But the lucky bird didn’t breath a sigh of relief until President-Elect Obama assured him he would not have a starring role in the Thanksgiving Day feast. Even bird-brains don’t take Bush seriously anymore…
I once spent a fairly long amount of time talking on the phone with Diana Ross. The conversation was mostly about internet-related stuff (someone referred her to me because she wanted advice on setting up an official web site) and she was really nice. On the other end of the musical spectrum, I’ve spoken twice on the phone with the very reclusive Don Van Vliet (aka Captain Beefheart). He was nice, too. (Bonus fact: one of them used the phrase “fuck with my chrome” during one of the phone calls. I’ll let you guess which one.)
I have been known to grab squeeze bottles of brown deli mustard out of the refrigerator and squirt the contents right into my mouth. I have done that a lot. Sue me. I love mustard. (Bonus fact: I hate mustard on burgers, though. And key lime pie.)
I was editor-in-chief and co-founder of a humor magazine in college called The Chunk. It was originally called The Monthly Chunk but we had a hard time staying on schedule due to our debilitating drug and alcohol problems. The National Lampoon, which was a mere shell of its former self at the time, was so pissed off about an article one of our writers penned about how their magazine wasn’t funny anymore that they took a stab at The Chunk in one of their issues. I can’t remember what they wrote about us (the magazine is buried in storage somewhere), but I do remember that it was horribly unfunny. (Bonus fact: still not funny.)
I hardly ever use the word “awesome.” It’s not that I hate the word or anything, it’s just that for some reason I never incorporate it into my conversations or my writing. I noticed it a few months ago and I guess this is as good a place as any to share that utterly useless fact. (Bonus fact: one of my favorite words is “unctuous,” but I hardly ever use that one either.)
I was held up at gunpoint only a few months after I moved to New York City in the early nineties. I was walking through a desolate part of Greenpoint, a Polish neighborhood in Brooklyn I was living in at the time, when I was “accosted” by the “perp.” I gave him all of the money I had on me (I think it was about 60 bucks) and he asked me for my wallet. I said to him, I shit you not, “I have my bank slips in there and I have to balance my checkbook.” For some insane reason he thought that was an okay excuse and after he told me to turn around and run in the other direction, I thought to myself, “If I was him, I’d shoot me now for saying something so idiotic.” When I got back to my apartment I told my roommate the story and proceeded to chug inordinate amounts of amaretto, which was unfortunately the only booze we had in the joint. (Bonus fact: chugging amaretto sucks nearly as much as getting mugged at gunpoint.)
A lot of folks justifiably loathe Rupert Holmes’ “Escape (The Pina Colada Song),” but I think his song “Him” just may be the most impenetrably awful song ever created. I don’t care how old Holmes is right now, but if he ever gets near me I’ll punch him really hard in the face for writing and performing that abomination. (Bonus fact: if Rupert is, in fact, dead, I’ll hunt down his ghost and punch that fucking thing in the face. That’s how much I hate that goddamn song.)
We went out for a few drinks last night with icebergwedge and missmira, the myiq2xu slayer. Got up at 6:15 this morning and seriously hated the world. Like really hated it. Dragged my sorry ass to the gym. Watched Morning Joe on the treadmill. Hawkface is still a dick. Mika got upset when they showed a close-up of Sarah Palin’s face because I guess that’s sexist. Running while watching Peggy Noonan made me queasy. Stopped running. Listened to the Sex Pistols’ Never Mind the Bollocks while I was lifting weights. Haven’t listened to that in a while and really enjoyed it. Some day I will be as buff as Sid Vicious. Went to the grocery store to buy ingredients for the stuffing we’re bringing to tomorrow’s Thanksgiving dinner. Found out from the cashier that I qualified to get a free turkey! Barack Obama is magical! After only two speeches he’s gotten the economy back on track. Things are so good that THEY’RE GIVING AWAY FREE TURKEYS! Take that, you whiny netroot killjoys! Errrmmmm. Okay… pull it back. I then had to lug a nearly 22 pound frozen turkey home along with the rest of the groceries. This made me cranky after some seriously deranged jubilation at the grocery checkout. Jammed the bird into the freezer. Poured myself a coffee. Started writing this. THE END.
So what did you do this morning?
BONUS: Since we’re introducing people to our pets, here’s my cat Hubcap. She doesn’t want anything to do with you…
In all the hoopla following the election, this story kind of slipped under a lot of radars. Rachel Maddow picked up on it yesterday. On November 7 the New York Times wrote:
The Bureau of Land Management has expanded its oil and gas lease program in eastern Utah to include tens of thousands of acres on or near the boundaries of three national parks, according to revised maps published this week. National Park Service officials say that the decision to open lands close to Arches National Park and Dinosaur National Monument and within eyeshot of Canyonlands National Park was made without the kind of consultation that had previously been routine.
The inclusion of the new lease tracts angered environmental groups, which were already critical of the bureau’s original lease proposal, made public this fall, because they said it could lead to industrial activity in empty areas of the state, some prized for their sweeping vistas, like Desolation Canyon, and others for their ancient petroglyphs, like Nine Mile Canyon.
The bureau’s new maps, made public on Election Day, show not just those empty areas but 40 to 45 new areas where leasing will also be allowed.
The tracts will be sold at auction on Dec. 19, the last lease sale before President Bush leaves office a month later. The new leases were added after a map of the proposed tracts was given to the National Park Service for comment this fall. The proximity of industrial activity concerns park managers, who worry about the impact on the air, water and wildlife within the park, as well as the potential for noise, said Michael D. Snyder, a regional director of the Park Service who is based in Denver.
As they said, the leases are scheduled to be sold at auction on December 19. As the Times articles notes, if the leases are sold and delivered to the buyers before the inauguration there will little, if anything, the new administration can do about it. The Bush administration’s calloused end around of the National Park Service in this decision pretty much sums up the “Drill, drill, drill” mantra of the (not so) Grand Old Party these days.
Obama rolled out his economic team yesterday, and I thought, “Meh.” I don’t have no steenking PhD in economics from an elitist university and was in fact an English major at a state school with a top-tier football team, but I could do better in the “bold ideas” department. Even if I did have to Google “number zeros trillion” to determine the basis of my plan.
According to Bloomberg, the total tab for the government bailout is approaching the neighborhood of $7 trillion, which is a pretty goddamn swank neighborhood if you ask me. The population of the US is right around 300 million. So what if we told Citigroup, AIG, GM, Ford, et al, to fuck off and instead divided that $7 trillion amongst the citizenry? If I’ve got my zeros right, every man, woman and child would receive upwards of $23K.
I watched A Colbert Christmas last night and it was really, really good. Definitely try to catch it this week because Comedy Central is re-airing it a bunch of times (check your local listings—I know it’s on at 10PM ET tonight). The musical guests included Willie Nelson (pot jokes!), Feist (as a not-so-sweet angel), Elvis Costello (in a variety of costumes), John Legend (soulful and surprisingly funny), and Toby Keith, who after supporting Obama and taking part in this hilarious, fuck-my-base music video (below), I will never, ever make fun of again…
The two things I expect from Obama are getting us out of Iraq and getting the economy moving in the right direction. He will have a successful administration if he can do those two things. I don’t mind that he is going to former Clintonites for his appointees, because Clinton’s team had a reputation for being policy wonks, that’s what we need now. No more incompetent partisan political cronies.
I would like to see more people of color though, you gotta dance with the one who brung ya. Less than 50% of white people voted for Obama, he’s president because of the overwhelming support of black, latino, asian, and other POC voters. If he wants us to show up for the mid-term elections and to re-elect him then he better not take us for granted. This isn’t about having a tantrum, it’s just reality. Many of the newly registered voters this election were apathetic POC who saw the system rigged against them and saw no point to voting. They will go back to being apathetic and not bothering if they think Obama is all about catering to white people and more of the same - Democratic politicians who want to use them when there’s an election and ignore them the rest of the time. Besides it would be pretty damned pathetic if Bush (and Clinton before him) had a more diverse cabinet than Obama. He needs his administration to look like the convention and the coalition of people who came together to vote for him on Nov 4.