From Secret Agent Flowbee’s Fortress of Fucknuttery (no linky for the stinky):
SusanUnPC’s foreword: I asked you to send in rants. I am publishing them now. If you don’t see your rant published, please yank my chain at susanunpc at gmail dot com (it probably got overlooked in my 968+ entries in my Inbox). I want to publish all of your rants.
Yeah, because lord knows there’s been a shortage of rants at No Quarter lately. Seriously, when was the last time they didn’t publish something you could classify as a rant? It’s just been one, long horrible Ralph Steadman illustration over there for months now.
OH WHAT THE HELL: I was just looking through some old posts that never got published and figured this line was too good (and, admittedly, tasteless) to keep hidden away…
If Secret Agent Flowbee is considered to be one of the best and brightest counterterrorism experts in the country, it’s pretty fucking amazing Al Qaeda wasn’t able to crash the USS Cole into the World Trade Center.
A Democratic superdelegate from New Jersey said this week he is worried that unifying the party behind Barack Obama may be difficult because the Clinton camp “has engaged in some very divisive tactics and rhetoric it should not have.”
U.S. Rep. Rob Andrews, who supported Hillary Clinton throughout the primary season, disclosed he received a phone call shortly before the April 22 Pennsylvania primary from a top member of Clinton’s organization and that the caller explicitly discussed a strategy of winning over Jewish voters by exploiting tensions between Jews and African-Americans.
“There have been signals coming out of the Clinton campaign that have racial overtones that indeed disturb me,” Andrews said at his campaign headquarters in Cherry Hill Tuesday night after he lost his bid for the Democratic U.S. Senate nomination.
“Frankly, I had a private conversation with a high-ranking person in the campaign ... that used a racial line of argument that I found very disconcerting. It was extremely disconcerting given the rank of this person. It was very disturbing.”
Andrews said the phone call came after he angered the Clinton camp by making some positive comments about Obama. He would not disclose the caller’s name because of the private nature of the conversation.
The Obama camp declined to comment. Clinton’s campaign issued an angry response to Andrews, who once was charged with lobbying other members of Congress to support her.
“Comments like these, coming so soon after Congressman Andrews’ crushing defeat, are sad and divisive,” said Clinton’s chief national spokesman, Phil Singer.
Andrews stood by his statements and said: “I would hope that all Democrats can put this divisiveness behind them. I’m glad the Clinton campaign is finally about to change its tone.” He said he made his comments only after his primary loss to Sen. Frank Lautenberg because “I didn’t want people to think I was trying to win over Obama supporters in the primary.”
There’s a great free event (with “cocktails” ... yaaaaaay!) coming up in NYC next Wednesday that I figured a few of you folks may want to attend (I’ll be there). Our pal Robert Lanham (author of The Hipster Handbook, The Sinner’s Guide to the Evangelical Right and the vastly underrated, funnier-than-hell Food Court Druids…) will be sharing a panel with perhaps the greatest editorial cartoonist ever, David Rees of “Get Your War On” fame, and Scott Dikkers, founder and editor-in-chief of The Onion. Some guy named Andy Borowitz, who I think killed a bunch of people in the 70’s because his neighbor’s dog told him to, will be the moderator. You can get all of the details here. Get on it (and let me know if you’re going).
RELATED: Has there ever been a better and/or more prescient editorial cartoon than this one (from April 2003)? No, that’s right. There hasn’t been.
While we were waiting in line speaking in hushed tones so that Hillary’s fans around us wouldn’t beat us to death with their big pink boxing gloves and poke out our eyes with their over-sized “REAL MEN vote Hillary” buttons, who should walk along but the slap-happy star of those cloying “Hillary in the House” videos. He was handing out invites for the “NYC premiere” of “Hillary in the White House,” which I think is the same video linked previously, but it could just be a new video of Hillary pounding on the front door of the White House yelling, “Let me in!” The invite had his name on it, Paul Edward Blaise McClure, which is really funny because his name is as long, overwrought, fey and annoying as his latest music video.
After getting in, we proceeded down to the bunker and were happy to see that they were selling beer and wine because we needed to wash the pain away of being forced to wear big Hillary stickers by a semi-large, overly-enthusiastic young man WHO LOVED HILLARY THIIIIIIIISSSSS MUCH (he really, really, really, really does). We nabbed a few seats in the bleachers behind the podium and watched as a woman walked around the stage endlessly by herself not doing much of anything. At first we thought she might have been secret service, but later we learned she was there to do sign language. I guess all that time she was concentrating on how to convey “petulance” while signing, because that’s really hard to do with your hands. Also take notice in the photo of the great job Harriet Christian did duct-taping the back of the stage front. It’s amazing the level of craftsmanship you can get from a second-class citizen in exchange for a bottle of cooking sherry and a bag of throat lozenges.
This is ts drinking beer. I cloaked his identity because he’s not very careful about “sheathing the seed,” if ya know what I mean. I think the crowd was chanting “Denver! Denver! Denver!” at this point, but there were so many of them emoting that our “Chappaqua! Chappaqua! Chappaqua!” chant went virtually unnoticed. I think the woman in front of us, who kept telling her daughter to smile all night, may have heard us, though. I’d like to apologize to her for ruining her evening and for the fact that her daughter very obviously didn’t give a shit about Hillary’s grit or her determination. That must’ve really sucked for her. Children are complicated, especially when their mothers are wiccans.
At one point a whole bunch of photographers ran over to take a picture of this woman because someone told them it was Erykah Badu, but they all got bummed out when they got closer and found out it was just Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) who accidentally had a dinner napkin adhered to her head because, once again, Debbers got a little carried away with the hair spray. Oopsie! Nothing ever turns out well for Floridians. :(
This man, who I will refer to as Gay Out-of-Towner With An Unfortunate Haircut, got really angry with a guy sitting near us, who I found out later wasn’t supporting anybody, and at one point his boyfriend had to hold him back as he yelped, “People like you are the reason I’m voting for John McCain!” I thought that was pretty funny for a whole bunch of reasons he probably wouldn’t understand and then I whisked myself away to an imaginary land where spiteful people with unfortunate haircuts didn’t have the right to vote or get within ten city blocks of me. Then I went to buy more beer.
How fitting that, on the night Barack Obama finally claimed the Democratic nomination, Hillary Clinton delivered her non-concession speech from a concrete bunker. To reach the Baruch College gymnasium where Hillary spoke with such surprising defiance her supporters had to descend two flights below street level. The thick subterranean walls blocked out cell phone and BlackBerry signals, and no televisions were provided in the main event hall, thereby insulating Hillary’s cheering supporters (intentionally, some theorized) from the dispiriting events unfolding at the Xcel Center in Minneapolis.
Call me a sore loser. Guess what? I am. I am not only sore, I’m angry, I’m frosted like a cake, I’m disgusted. Telling me I want to take my ball and go home because I can’t have my way. You betcha. My ball (vote) isn’t just going home with me it will be going to the polls in November and pulling the lever for Senator McCain.
SOMEWHAT RELATED: Over at Hillary Clinton Forum they think Harriet Christian is “remarkable,” a “hell of a woman,” “a rock star,” “a smart, passionate woman,” a “hero and spokesperson,” and “amazing,” among other things.
WASHINGTON (AP)—Hillary Rodham Clinton will concede Tuesday night that Barack Obama has the delegates to secure the Democratic nomination, campaign officials said, effectively ending her bid to be the nation’s first female president.
The former first lady will stop short of formally suspending or ending her race in her speech in New York City. She will pledge to continue to speak out on issues like health care. But for all intents and purposes, the two senior officials said, the campaign is over.
Most campaign staff will be let go and will be paid through June 15, said the officials who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge her plans.
The advisers said Clinton has made a strategic decision to not formally end her campaign, giving her leverage to negotiate with Obama on various matters including a possible vice presidential nomination for her. She also wants to press him on issues he should focus on in the fall, such as health care.
I’ll believe it when I see it, but when AP pushes a story like this through, I’d say it’s fairly solid.
Confloyd: I feel awkward sharing this here but I’ll do it anyway…If HRC’s birth element is metal per Feng Shui - a lit candle will melt her metal element and will give her a bad chi. On the other hand if her element is earth then lighting a candle is great for her. And here’s what I have learned from Healing Touch - visualizing her being showered with bright white light from head to toe will give her a good karma.
OH NOES!!! You’ve killed Hillary’s campaign! With a candle!
I just found these photos of female Obama supporters on Flickr. The pride and joy the women exude in the pictures speaks volumes. They were taken by Robert Kangas at the 7th Congressional District caucus in Seattle, WA on 5/17/2008. Remember, women count. Enjoy.
I can hardly wait for the next video where Gravel shoots a bottle rocket out of his ass right before running naked down the street punching random people in the face while yelling, “Fuck you, Chris Dodd!”
Yesterday’s “Count Every Sour Grape!” rally in DC: If you squint, it looks like 10,000 people.
[Please note: If you’re unfamiliar with what went down in DC yesterday, you may want to start here.]
I guess one thing I should make clear is that when I make fun of “rabid anti-Obama Hillshills,” I’m not referring to a vast majority of reasonable, well-intentioned Clinton supporters or folks who voted for her in the primaries just because they thought she was the better candidate. I’ll admit most of my friends are Obama supporters but one of my best pals from college and my younger brother are both backing Hillary and that’s perfectly fine with me. I’m referring to an exceedingly small percentage of Hillary supporters (or as this pro-Hillary Daily Kos diarist refers to them, “supporters”) who have been gorging 24/7 on a way-too-steady diet of wingnut-like-and/or-sourced, anti-Obama posts on blogs like HillaryIs44, No Quarter, MyDD and Taylor Marsh and then angrily ricocheting around the relatively minute “Krazy Klinton Korner” of the blogosphere cross-commenting (sometimes using different aliases) at such a feverish pace that they make the mostly-extinct relentless Ron Paul Revolution howler monkeys, who you couldn’t escape anywhere before the Paul blimp pulled a Hindenburgh, look like Quaalude-quaffing church mouses.
If the media did their job, they would have accurately reported that the poorly-attended rally yesterday was a clear indication of how small the “Hillary or Die” screecher subset really is instead of writing articles with wildly inaccurate titles like “Democrats Come Together To Tear Their Party in Half.” A more truthful headline would be have been “A Ridiculously Tiny Group of Delusional, Dumb-As-Dirt Dead-Enders Make Utter Fools of Themselves.” What we witnessed yesterday in DC wasn’t some massive, well-coordinated movement destined to take down the Democratic party, it was a pathetic and unpopulated cry-for-hell from an oddball smattering of attention-starved, politically-unsophisticated, teeth-gnashing lunatics. The rally was a phenomenal failure and their behavior during the meeting was embarrassing and self-defeating. The “children” in the gallery who supported Obama were on their best behavior while the “adults” who were backing Clinton sputtered, booed, yelled uncontrollably and even hissed. Here’s an example of what went down yesterday:
After months of uncertainty, the morass of the Florida Democratic primary has been resolved.
The Rules and Bylaws Committee approved a measure unanimously that would seat every delegate—pledged and superdelegates—from the Sunshine State but grant them only half a vote at the party’s national convention.
Both Alice Huffman and Harold Ickes, backers of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (N.Y.) on the RBC, spoke in favor of the motion before it was voted on.
Huffman insisted that the vote would leave the party more united than it was when the meeting started, an assertion that was greeted by one attendee as “lipstick on a pig”.
That boorish and disrespectful “lipstick on a pig” yelp, delivered while Hillary-backer Alice Hoffman, a kind woman who was obviously and painfully digging deep within herself to graciously call for a compromise on Florida after her motion for a full seating had just been defeated, didn’t come from one of the alleged “millions” of anonymous outraged Clinton voters we’ve been hearing about for weeks, but from a member of the miniature teed-off party of over-amplified, anyone-but-Obama banshees a few of us have been shining a spotlight on for months. This poorly-placed dick-spasm came from a Hillshill who uses the alias “Mawm” and was covering the RBC meeting for the post-Kos-strike, take-ball-go-home refuge The Confluence. Here he is yesterday in all of his, ahem, “glory”:
“I keep trying to put lipstick on it, but it won’t stop jabbering.”
I’m sure if anyone had bothered to poll participants in yesterday’s “Count Every Vote or I’m Really Gonna Act Like an Asshole” rally and the ill-mannered pro-Clinton douchenozzles who gained entrance to the meeting, they would have been able to adhere a Hillshill-associated internet alias to a lot of those in attendance and found that a vast majority of yesterday’s temper-tantrummers were frequent visitors to the diminutive number of faux-Democratic, anti-Obama blogs where the shameful and scorn-worthy behavior they exhibited in public yesterday had previously only been on display in some of the most spittle-flecked and fucktarded comment threads ever to unravel in the history of the blogosphere.
These sore losers’ numbers are few, their influence is vastly overrated, their politcal acumen is virtually nonexistent, their common decency has become uncommon, and their cringe-inducing and destructive self-importance is as inexplicable as it is abhorrent. They’re this year’s “9/11 Republicans” and going forward they should be treated with the same disdain my fellow lefty bloggers used to reserve for the likes of Charles Johnson and Roger L. Simon. Some of the rabid anti-Obama online Hillshills are now waving around their way-less-than-considerable leverage and claiming that Barack supporters now have to “kiss their asses” in the interest of party unity. Let me be the first to say, without a hint of regret and a great deal of unadulterated joy, “No, motherfucker, kiss mine.”
MORE: Ummmm, “GO HARRIET”? Really? Ummmm, it’s like the Holocaust? Really? Seriously, could someone tell me why I would ever want to talk folks who are this delusional and vapid out of campaigning for McCain? Hell, give me their addresses and I’ll personally send them meticulously hand-crafted “McCain ‘08” placards for them to hit the streets with.
MORE: I guess I can just send this guy’s McCain placard c/o the Cartoon Network…
Teresa Scicconi of New York shouts her support for US Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton (D-NY) outside the Democratic National Committee Rules and Bylaws Committee meeting in Washington May 31, 2008.
As I predicted, turnout for the “Count Every Sour Grape!” protest, promised to consist of “10,000 marchers,” looks pretty low, even though the mass media folks are doing their best to make it look well-attended with low camera angles and carefully-cropped shots. I’ll post more on this debacle throughout the day.