Totally True Fact That I Did NOT Make Up: Listening to the Foo Fighters’ latest will make your life 45% - 89% less crappy.*
*Multiple scientific studies have found a positive correlation between the volume at which the song is played and overall crappiness reduction. If you experience crappiness reduction that lasts more than seven hours, do not seek medical help. This is a sign of a condition that can lead to not giving a damn.
Can we bubble-wrap the Tea Party? To protect its members from harm, I mean? They are exceedingly tender little blossoms. First there was iPhone-Nacht, and then this incident over the weekend in California, advertised under this screaming headline at Beck’s Blog o’ Bizzare:
Here’s the Tea Party “victim’s” description of the assault:
“He bum rushed across the street, came right at us, swung his bullhorn at me, hit me in the hand and then put his hand around my throat and started choking me,” Rodney Stanhope of Placerville said.
Video of that encounter from Beck’s site after the jump:
Charlie Sheen shares a number of characteristics with the common house cat. Both creatures are attractive, don’t always relieve themselves in the appropriate receptacle and will give you massive amounts of attitude before, during and after they wreck up your shit. Remorse is not in them; That would mean less room for the crazy.*
Sadly, mankind has been deprived of a total melding of the Felix Domesticus/Sheen experience.
Via Vanity Fair. Watch it and weep. Or wipe the tears of laughter out of your eyes, I’m not sure which.
Yes, pathetic fail of a “network”, RightNetwork, has launched “Whaddya Know Joe?”, a talk show hosted by Samuel Wurzelbacher, the loser never-was who is apparently going to hang stubbornly onto his 15 minutes until the end of time.
RightNetwork’s build up for the launch is hysterical too. I’ll let you read James Wolcott’s take:
RightNetwork’s buildup for Joe is embarrassingly fervid and heavy breathing, as if it were the star of Bethlehem reflected in the gleam of his cueball head that explains his blessed arrival.
“There’s a case to be made for divine intervention when it comes to Wurzelbacher.”
No, there isn’t. God can’t be that bored.
A lesser man might have been cowed when he saw the Democrat controlled media and state government lining up against him. A lesser man might have sought to go quietly back into obscurity. But Joe the Plumber was made of sterner stuff.
Yes, the stuff known as AN INSATIABLE APPETITE FOR ATTENTION, which sustained him in those long dark days in the gulag sharing a cement cell with the bitter remnants of Dennis Miller’s career.
One of Florida Governor Rick Scott’s first moves was to eliminate the state’s Office of Drug Control, which was established by his ideological soul mate Jeb Bush.
And now Scott is killing a statewide database that would monitor prescriptions of Vicodin, Percoset and OxyContin.
It’s not a money-saving measure: The database was privately funded. It’s not because there’s no prescription drug abuse problem in Florida: According to the Miami Herald, “In the first six months of 2010, doctors in Florida prescribed nine times more oxycodone than was sold in the entire United States during that same period.”
Does Scott harbor libertarian views on government overreach? That’s the impression he’d like to give. When asked about the issue, he said: “I don’t support the database. I believe it’s an invasion of privacy.”
But Scott proposes drug testing welfare recipients and supports an Arizona-style papers-please law that would allow cops to harass people pulled over for minor traffic offenses such as driving while brown. This makes the privacy angle a tough sell.
So what’s the dealio? Could this be payback to Florida’s most famous resident OxyContin abuser and Scott supporter, Rush Limbaugh? Or could it have something to do with the chain of medical clinics Scott founded after being ousted from HCA/Columbia for massive fraud? Only his hairdresser knows for sure.
Pam Geller, Bargain Basement Boudica, noted drag queen impersonator and extruder of the blog “Atlas Shrugs Because He’s Trying To Shake The EVIL MOOSLIMS Off The Planet Before They KILL US AND RAPE US AND MAKE US WORSHIP SHARIAAAAH!!1,” has achieved her life-long dream:
She is now the owner of a fully functioning M1 Abrams tank.
You can come out now.
The Southern Poverty Law Center has labeled her a bona fide hate group. I assume the group status (as opposed to Lone Shrieking Loon status) is based on the number of voices in her head.
Geller’s response was as reality based as her Dusky Strangers Assaulting Her Virtue (assuming they can find the damn thing) fantasies [via J.M.G.]:
My group is a human rights group.
And I am Marie of Romania.
Congratulations to Geller as she takes her place among the ranks of such noted human rights groups as the Ku Klux Klan, The Family Research Council and The Nation of Islam.
One-Scoop Wonder Matt Drudge just can’t resist an opportunity to relive the glory days of stained blue dresses and impeachment hearings, even if it means posting a 5-alarm headline link to a story so weak, the headline vanished before I finished this post.
Now that “Two and a Half Men” has been canceled — in the wake of Charlie Sheen’s spectacular self-immolation on the Alex Jones radio show — Sheen has penned an open letter to assure the world that he is totally in command of Cosmic Balance at his Fortress of Sexitude in the Bahamas, and that, together, we can all overcome a world of lies, envy and Jew-bastard bosses like TAAHM co-creator Chuck Lorre (aka Haim Levine):
What does this say about Haim Levine after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. Remember these are my people ... not yours…we will continue on together… Charlie Sheen
If you monitor wingnut blogs at all, you’ve no doubt heard about a DC “union thug” who used a placard to swat a FreedomWorks activist’s iPhone out his face, touching off an amusing round of garment-rending, persecution-imagining and revenge-avowing. Watch the swatted iPhone footage if you dare; it’s the most ghastly, wanton infliction of carnage since the Breitbart Egg-Trocity:
Absolutely chilling. And the iPhone-owner’s reference to her “personal property” clearly indicates that the assault was on her diminutive female person.
Everyone who’s anyone in the wingnutosphere was shouting this from the rooftops yesterday. Breitbart has probably locked up the BigThug domain name.
ANNAPOLIS, FEBRUARY 24, 2011 - Today the Maryland Senate voted 25-21 to pass SB 116, the Civil Marriage Protection Act, legislation that would end the exclusion of gay and lesbian couples from marriage in Maryland. Equality Maryland, along with members of the Senate and everyday Marylanders who believe in fairness, celebrate this victory and acknowledge the work ahead to make marriage equality a reality.
Yes, Rolling Stone, not content with crushing Ex-Gen. Stanley McChrystal like an eggshell, has now set its sights on Lt. General William Caldwell, in charge of training troops in Afghan. And this is a heck of a lot crazier than just having a bunch of your goons sitting around in the Officers Club bar dissing President Obama to a reporter. No, Caldwell wanted his “psy-ops” guys (yes, that term is as creepy as it sounds) figure out how to brainwash visiting Congresspeeps into giving the military lots more money for Afghanistan! And reporter Michael Hastings is naming names and giving dates and transcribing conversations and stuff. Journalism!! Real, gutsy investigative journalism. From ROLLING STONE! Feel stupid MSM? You should.
Anway, I digress. The crux of the situation is that Caldwell ordered Lt. Col. Michael Holmes, lead brainwasher, who is only supposed to be brainwashing enemy brains, to prepare dossiers on visiting Senators and Representatives so they could figure out what would push their buttons and get them to start throwing money at Afghanistan when they got home. Apparently some of the targeted group were senators John McCain, Joe Lieberman, (like those guys needed any persuasion) Jack Reed, Al Franken and Carl Levin.
Holmes, noting that this was actually specifically against the law balked initially and had some correspondence about this with the legal guys. Who agreed. So then Caldwell decided to put the screws on Holmes by investigating him and accusing him of spending too much time on Facebook and being flippant there to boot! And a bunch of other bad stuff like drinking whiskey and going off base in civvies. Ultimately the whole psy-op group got demoted to public relations ops.
But here’s the creepy part (cue Twilight Zone theme):
As for the operation targeting U.S. senators, there is no way to tell what, if any, influence it had on American policy. What is clear is that in January 2011, Caldwell’s command asked the Obama administration for another $2 billion to train an additional 70,000 Afghan troops – an initiative that will already cost U.S. taxpayers more than $11 billion this year. Among the biggest boosters in Washington to give Caldwell the additional money? Sen. Carl Levin, one of the senators whom Holmes had been ordered to target.
Check it out - it’s a great read. And the military reportedly began an investigation within hours of the story’s release.
Future Cobra Commander/“Die Hard” Baddie Nouri Masood El Mesmari relaxes between spittle-flecked outbursts.
Earlier this week, Nouri Masood El Mesmari, Muammar Gaddafi’s Secretary of Protocol, resigned from office and called for Gaddafi to be deposed. Now living in exile in what appears to be Paris, he has become one of the regime’s most ferocious critics.
Please understand, I’m totally down with that. Unfortunately, Mr. El Mesmari is a scary-angry guy with Dick Cheney teeth and a prosthetic eye that’s aimed the wrong way and never blinks, even when the other one does. These things are not his fault, obviously. However, you have to admit there’s a lot of gratuitous Bond-villain accessorizing here that suggests he’s consciously “working” the image. I mean, Jesus, just look at him. Is it any wonder his last job was “Dictator Henchman”?
Plus, he yells a great deal and constantly gives the impression that, any moment, tentacles could burst from his chest to shoot acid or bat-like brain parasites at the studio crew. It makes me very uneasy to watch him, and my cats refuse to be in the same room when he is on the screen.
If you could interview Mr. El Mesmari a little less frequently, or by phone, I would be very much obliged. I’m sure you agree that Al Jazeera does not want to be known as the “Yelling-Scary-Angry-Alien-Impostor” network. One FoxNews is plenty.