Thursday, March 31, 2011

It’s getting so you need a scorecard & a microscope to tell the Jihadists from the Teahadists

ReaLAMErican Mike pHuckabee knows what’s best for America. And what’s best for America involves members of the Jesus Jihad forcing you to listen to some other lying hack [via Alternet]:

“I almost wish that there would be, like, a simultaneous telecast, and all Americans would be forced–forced at gunpoint no less–to listen to every David Barton message, and I think our country would be better for it. I wish it’d happen.”

David Barton is the leading promoter of a brand of falsified American history altered to support the claim that America was founded as a Christian, rather than a secular, nation.

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Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 03/31/11 at 09:20 PM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '12NuttersTeabaggeryRelijun

Mike Pence Lies Through his Teeth About Planned Parenthood Services

Republican Congressman and serial liar Mike Pence has published an article in “The National Review” which he labels “the truth about the debate over defunding Planned Parenthood”.  If “truth” equals “bald faced lies” then he’s surely told the truth.  Pence, as he tells us, was the author of the Pence Amendment which called for defunding of the organization.  He then states:

In response, Planned Parenthood used its vast resources to launch slick Madison Avenue television ads portraying the group — the nation’s largest abortion provider — as an altruistic organization that provides health-care services to the poor and has only an incidental interest in abortion.

Pence then tries to convince us that abortion services vastly outweigh all other services provided by Planned Parenthood.

Planned Parenthood clinics focus mainly on abortion — and because money is fungible, there is no way to fund the useful services without freeing up money for the organization to spend on abortion. In 2009, the group made only 977 adoption referrals and cared for only 7,021 prenatal clients, but performed a record 332,278 abortions. In other words, a pregnant woman entering a Planned Parenthood clinic was 42 times more likely to have an abortion than to either receive prenatal care or be referred for adoption.

Clearly Pence extracted his statistics from Planned Parenthood’s annual report available on their website (he also quotes revenues sourced from the report later in the article).  If that’s true one wonders how he missed the pie chart on page 6 clearly showing that abortion services comprise all of 3% of total services provided by Planned Parenthood.  The actual breakdown is 35% contraceptive services, 34% STD testing, 17% cancer screening and prevention, 10% other women’s health services, 3% abortion services and 1% other services.

So stating that “Planned Parenthood clinics focus mainly on abortion” is not just misleading, it is downright false and presumably a deliberate lie.

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Posted by marindenver on 03/31/11 at 05:28 PM
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Categories: PoliticsBedwettersHealth CareNuttersTeabaggery

Autocracy Rocks!: Stabny Daggert Totally Sticks It to Commie Liberal Union Thug Parasite

New scene from Atlas Shrugged: Part 1. Somewhere, there’s another hour and forty minutes of screen-searing didactic comic-book set-pieces just like this one, apparently all strung together into the world’s most expensive HR role-play training video.

Stabny makes a legitimate point, though: If the locomotive engineers die in a company-killing train wreck, they won’t have jobs anyway — so what’s the beef? And how can they think of themselves when it’s actually Stabny who’s assuming all the on-paper risks of building her railroad out of an unknown metal she bought from a stranger?

Seriously, that’s the sort of brutal moral clarity that has me rethinking this whole collective-bargaining brouhaha. If you aren’t willing to die for your paycheck, maybe you don’t deserve to eat help make Stabny richer.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 03/31/11 at 11:45 AM
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Categories: MoviesMovie NewsPoliticsNuttersTeabaggeryYouTubidity

No, they’re not. They’re really, really, REALLY not.

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Steven D over at Booman’s place drew my attention to a New York Times piece on the Tea Party that makes me want to pour a quart of gin into a half-empty container of raspberry sorbet and call it breakfast:

The Tea Party movement is as deeply skeptical of big business as it is of big government.

No. No. No. A thousand, a million, a kajillion, a ding-dong-dillion times fucking NO.

As Steven D points out, the article goes on to detail Tea Party group ties with a pro-pollution, anti-workers’ rights foreign paper company and the movement’s big business funding. So why maintain the fiction that the rebranded BushCo dead-enders in patriot drag are “deeply skeptical” of big business?

Well, there are a couple of possibilities: 1) the Times is deathly afraid of being labeled with the horrible, horrible “L” word that NewsCorp has so effectively affixed to its hide that it might as well change its masthead to read “The LIBERAL New York Times.”

Or, 2) The New York Times is a giant media conglomerate and thus has just as much a vested interest in seeing the “populist” movement succeed in shoveling tax breaks to corporations while dismantling workers’ rights as the shady Indonesian paper company and the Koch brothers.

If even our embarrassingly dumb electorate has stopped buying shit in Shinola tins, perhaps it’s time for our embarrassingly dumb media to experience the same epiphany.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/31/11 at 08:10 AM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsBushCoNuttersTeabaggeryOur Stupid Media

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Naja? Nada.

The epic adventure of the escaped baby cobra is almost perfect.* It just needs a little something. Something like this:

@Bronx Zookeeper.

Oh, like you’ve never lost anything.

Now it’s perfect.

H/T Oblomova.

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Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 03/30/11 at 10:00 PM
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Categories: CrittersFoodNYC EatsNew York City

Creative Pitches I Wish I’d Been In On #1: Kegasus

Nothing says “The Sport of Kings” like a shitfaced man-horse who runs one and three-sixteenths miles, then throws up at the finish line while trying to light the wrong end of a box of Newports. But that seems to be the image the Preakness promoters are going for this year, in an attempt to win back hard-partying groundlings who bailed on the race after BYOB was banned from the infield in 2009.

Behold “Kegasus,” the Preakness’ 2011 mascot, who toots his mighty stag-flask to alert the thirsty world of 18-25-year-olds that just because you have to leave your home-brew in the car doesn’t mean you can’t mud-wrestle a dwarf while sucking down a $20 bottomless beer purchased on the premises. Oh, and there will also be a horse-race afterward.

For the sake of mythological accuracy, of course, Kegasus should be a drunken winged stallion who plummets into the grandstand after strafing the infield crowd with enchanted road-apples. But my guess is that concept didn’t make it past the first focus group.

[UPDATE:] Totally righteous Kegasus TV spot below the fold.

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Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 03/30/11 at 03:41 PM
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Categories: Geek SpeakNewsSkull HampersSports

TEAjection

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So, it turns out Americans hate the Tea Party as much as they hate the two major parties! As well they should since “the Tea Party” is, as Rumproast colleague Hunger Tallest Palin once succinctly put it, “SoCons in patriot drag.”

Still, Koch Industries may get a further return on their Republican rebranding investment if the looming Republican government shutdown occurs and the GOP manages (with a complicit media) to deflect the blame from itself onto its wholly owned subsidiary. Think of it as the political equivalent of a credit default swap. You’ve got to hand it to the crafty devils.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/30/11 at 01:00 PM
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Who are you gonna believe, HER or your lyin’ ears?

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It the cultists at the Conservatives4Palin site weren’t trying to inflict great harm by elevating a blithering nincompoop to a position of great power, their attempts to spin Madam Malaprop’s frequent gaffes into axioms would inspire pity. Here’s a hilarious—and yet sad!—example addressing Palin’s Libya gaffe:

The headline over at Mediaite is “Sarah Palin Claims Libya Intervention Costing Americans $600 Million A Day.” If this were true, surely Mediaite could produce a quote from Palin saying that “the Libya intervention is costing American taxpayers $600 million a day.” Of course, Frances Martel, the left-wing radical [LULZ!—ed.] who wrote the blog post at issue, is unable to produce such a quote because Governor Palin never said it. Here’s what Palin actually said:

Yeah, that’s a good question and that’s the 600 million dollars a day question that is being asked now. Because that is the cost incurred by Americans as we support the no fly zone, which of course the no fly zone intervention or enactment is turning into more than that.

Martel must be too much of an extremist [snicker—ed.] to understand that “$600 million dollars a day question” is just an expression. When she said the “cost incurred by Americans,” she was referring to the “$600 million” that American taxpayers are on the hook for thus far in the intervention. If Palin had really wanted to claim that the intervention was costing us $600 million a day, she would have said “because that is the cost incurred by Americans everyday.”

Yep, “$600 million dollars a day question” is a very common expression. I think there was even a TV show by that name back in the 50s or something. And “squirmish” is a very common pronunciation of “skirmish,” since it evolved from a Middle English form with a silent “w.” Duh, everyone knows that.

If Palin told these folks to eat turds on saltines as a cure for male pattern baldness, they’d not only eagerly swallow their own butt-nuggets, they’d demand that Palin be made Surgeon General for being the most important woman scientist since Madame Curie.

Should Palin either decide not to run in 2012 or get shoved aside by the GOP money boys who actually want to win, the Cult of Palin meltdown will make the PUMA histrionics of aught-eight look like an exercise in good sportsmanship and team spirit. It’s gonna get ugly, y’all.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/30/11 at 09:50 AM
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Holding very still in the snake exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. This is gonna be hilarious

Indeed.

Asked how the snake was faring in the cold, the user behind the Twitter account said: “Hiding in passerbys’ scarves has been working for me so far, but I’m thinking about heading to a sauna to warm up for a bit.”

I’m not a fan of Les Twits. But using it to make N.Y.C. leap sideways at the sight of power cables, bath robe ties and the cat’s tail sticking out from under the sofa is nothing short of brilliant.

It’s getting pretty cold out. I think it’s probably time to crash. Oh look, an apartment window someone left open just a crack. Perfect!

Pleasant dreams N.Y.C.

Hey, did you hear something slithery behind the desk?

 

Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 03/30/11 at 01:05 AM
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Categories: CrittersKnee Slappers

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

H8rs’ Recycling Program: Initiate Operation Infinite Duggard! [w/ Frothy Fecal Matter Update]

Pop Quiz! Read these two paragraphs, then answer the question.

Child bearing has become something distasteful to many women, an unwanted and painful experience to be avoided rather than embraced.

All of these programs, ideals and ideologies are doing one thing and one thing only - reducing America core TFR to the point of no return. The White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (WASP) population in America is headed for extinction and with it our economy, well-being and survival as a uniquely America culture.

The preceding passage was written in:

a) 1894

b) 1960

c) 1981

d) None of the above

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Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 03/29/11 at 09:01 PM
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Categories: PoliticsNuttersTeabaggery

An Open Letter to the Rick Scott Voters Who Finally Figured It Out

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Dear Rick Scott Voters Who Finally Figured It Out:

So, I see some of you have changed your minds about your vote in the last Florida gubernatorial election! Rick Scott squeaked into office with 49% of the vote, besting Democratic opponent Alex Sink by barely one percent. However, a recent poll reveals that Scott would lose to Sink by 20 points if the election were held today.

But you know what, Rick Scott Voters Who Finally Figured It Out? The election was NOT held today, you stupid, stupid motherfuckers! It was held in November, and while it’s apparently news to you drooling idiots that Scott is a crook, it was widely known by everyone in the state with an IQ eclipsing that of a Peeps marshmallow treat well in advance of the election.

You brainless ninnies are very lucky internet technology has not advanced to the point that I can reach through the screen and snatch you bald-headed to match the ambulatory dildo you empowered with the governorship. However, these are your current instructions: Make a fist (with either hand). Now, start punching yourself in the face, and don’t stop until January 6, 2015. Fuckers.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/29/11 at 04:40 PM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsElection '10NuttersTeabaggery

I, for one, welcome our new atheisticommiefascistaliban overlords…

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What’s next for the field of GOP candidates as they frantically try to connect with their core constituency of short-bus window-lickers by winning the Dumbass Derby?

Let’s review the players and actions so far: First up, Sarah Palin—the natural. She doesn’t even have to pretend. But Michele Bachmann made a strong recent showing with her non-gaffe (i.e., repeated several times and read from prepared remarks) about “the shot heard ‘round the world” in Concord, New Hampshire and musings on the slavery-busting Founders.

Huckabee keeps on a’pickin’ and a’grinnin,’ about as natural a dumbass as you’ll find outside Wasilla. Barbour removed all doubts about his ignorance regarding certain major historical events that occurred under his nose during his youth. Trump hires Orly Taitz. Mittens assures us that an experiment in corporate-friendly health care reform is a Galtian endeavor on the state level but a Marxist aberration nationwide.

But not to be out-stupided, Newt Gingrich comes up with perhaps an unbeatable formulation:

“I have two grandchildren—Maggie is 11, Robert is 9,” Gingrich said at a church in Texas, according to Politico. “I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they’re my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American.”

Didn’t this guy used to be a college professor or something? Will it finally come to voluntary, televised brain matter excisions?

Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/29/11 at 11:19 AM
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Categories:

America’s Backseat Driver™ critiques Obama’s speech

Shorter America’s Backseat Driver™:

Only a post-American Kenyan would move America the Exceptional out of the driver’s seat and into the back of the bus. What the heck is this bombing thingie anyway? An intermission? A squeamish? Oh, and “North Star” is totally MY catchphrase, darn it!

[H/T: StrangeAppar8us for the spot-on “America’s Backseat Driver™” title.]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/29/11 at 07:14 AM
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Categories: PoliticsBarack ObamaNuttersSarah PalinTeabaggeryOur Stupid Media

Monday, March 28, 2011

Your future dream is a shopping scheme

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Hundreds of thousands of demonstrators marched in London this weekend to protest government cuts. (Common estimates ranged between 250,000 to 500,000.) Though the march was largely peaceful, an upscale grocery store was occupied and banks and shops were vandalized.

Steve M. provides a summary over at No More Mr. Nice Blog and wonders if what well-known commie Teddy Roosevelt termed the Malefactors of Great Wealth can be compelled to pay their fair share by peaceful means. Hilariously, wingnut blogger Donald “Sasquatch Israel” Douglas makes an appearance in Steve’s comments to “record…support for anarchism,” just as he once bravely bore witness to the anti-Semitism inherent in assertions that Bigfoot exists.

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Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/28/11 at 07:10 AM
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Categories: PoliticsBedwettersElection '08Election '10Election '12NuttersTeabaggery

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Primitive Tools Push Land Bridge To Nowhere

I Can See The Land Bridge To Nowhere From My Cave!

        Confirmed by abundant flakes!

Yeah, so the Clovis people claim they were here first, but what do you expect from a bunch of illegal immigrants who sneakily entered the continent on a bridge that conveniently disappeared? And snuck sharp objects into the country, too! Them and their precious bifacially fluted projectile points. Of course, many of us insisted that we already had enough people sticking their fluted projectile points into the megafauna, and how many paleolamas could we spare? I think the absence of giant tapirs trotting through the suburbs of the Twin Cities says it all, don’t you?

Luckily, according to the BBC, archeologists may have settled the Clovis’ hash permanently with the discovery of over 15,000 stone tools underneath Clovis tools in a creek bed in Austin, the one town in Texas where history goes back more than 6,000 years. Said one Texas A&M anthropologist, “This is almost like a baseball bat to the side of the head of the archaeological community!”

Damn straight it is! You got yer chert blades, yer bladelets, chisels, naturally, and of course, abundant flakes. They’re not projectile-point pretty, but they do the job. There are the usual nay-sayers and Clovis-culture lovers who don’t know when they’ve been whipped, with their mealy-mouthing about being needlessly divisive, about objects found in floodplains being inconstant and moveable, complaining about the thinness of the layer where the tools were found.

Non-Clovian Americans, just ignore the naysayers. If there’s one thing we know about Texas, it’s that it’s a land of rigid sediments.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 03/27/11 at 07:49 PM
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Categories: ImagesMessylaneousNews

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