First, there were the “books.” Then, the “reality” show. But brace for impact, America: it’s Sarah Palin, the Movie! Filmed in secrecy and Alaska, the two-hour Grand Delusion helmed AND funded to the tune of a cool million by conservaloon Stephen K. Bannon (of Generation Zero er, fame) should be hitting the screens in June, Fox willing and the projectors don’t mysteriously shut down after the first hour.
But why bother with the rest of the news of the day, or going on with your life, when you could be alarming your friends and frightening your co-workers by howling at John Cole’s Balloon Juice thread of threads? Go. I’m sorry about your sides, but they’ll stop aching in a few weeks.(H/T YAFB) **UPDATED WITH EXTRA CHEEZY MOVIE POSTERS MAT-MAID JUST 4 U!***
**UPDATED AGAIN, ALSO, TOO!**
Here is your very own opportunity to tell truth from fiction as we recount three stories of bastardly wingnut mind blowing hard heartedness and just plain meanness. Your job is to guess which story is actually true, astonishing though it may seem. (For that reason, of course, actual links are not being provided until we reveal the winning story.) Ready? Here we go.
Story Number 1: Everyone must certainly be aware of the devastating tornado that demolished a hospital and several other buildings in Joplin, Missouri over the weekend. The scenes of devastation and misery that have come out of the tragedy are horrific and heart rending. The area has been given federal disaster designation and the government is rushing to provide funds to help the victims as much as possible. Except, hold on, not so fast there. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor wants to put on the brakes. Spending on the Joplin disaster should be allowed only if it is paid for by cutting spending elsewhere. Otherwise let’s just hope all the victims have rilly, rilly good insurance.
Story Number 2: Kansas state Rep Pete DeGraaf, commenting on a state bill to outlaw abortion coverage (except to save the woman’s life) in any general health insurance policy issued in that state compared women who become pregnant as a result of rape to motorists who fail to carry spare tires in their trunk. You see the law would allow women in Kansas to purchase special insurance just to cover abortions. Any right thinking women, opines Rep. DeGraaf, R-Hell, would think ahead, expect to possibly be raped and purchase the insurance as a safety precaution. After all, he argued, “I also have life insurance. I have a lot of things that I plan ahead for.”
Story Number 3: At a town hall in Georgia Repub Rep Rob Woodall made an outright case for terminating Medicare. When one of his constituents objected to the Republican proposals by pointing out that her employer did not provide retiree insurance and she did not otherwise know where she would find it (you know, pre-existing conditions and all) Woodall replied “Hear yourself, ma’am. Hear yourself. You want the government to take care of you, because your employer decided not to take care of you. My question is, ‘When do I decide I’m going to take care of me?’” Not, of course, that the honorable Congressman has such a concern. No, his years as a house staffer and now a member of the House of Representatives will guarantee nice retirement benefits and full insurance coverage.
OK, have we all made our guesses? Well, just slip under the fold and we’ll reveal the answer.
What is about cults that accelerate regular old human backbiting and betrayal by Warp Factor 10? Is it because each cultist needs to be the most special snowflake on the Snow Queen’s scepter?
I don’t know. But internecine squabbling seems to gum up the works in every cult: It was true of Ayn Rand’s cult. It was true of the PUMAs. And it’s true of the Quitting Bull cult too.
Sarah Palin’s chief pit bull, Conservatives4Palin-founder-turned-Palin-ghostwriter and top aide Rebecca Mansour (aka RAM), foolishly trusted a frequent C4P commenter (whom she had never actually met) and unloaded some unflattering insights on fellow Republicans and Palin’s daughter Bristol. The C4P dude promptly turned around and peddled the dirt to Tucker Carlson’s hack factory.
Destiny is a funny thing. Even though it’s written in advance, Googling it gets you nowhere and its still unavailable on Kindle, much like my own unpublished novel, Robot Dragon-Racers of Floon. Yet, when it’s time to rise up out of your Aeron chair and primary a sitting President whose criminal inversion of Liberal principles makes you want to gnaw the hair off your own ass, somehow you just know.
And, today, what I “just know” is that answering the NPA’s cattle-call for a steely, uncompromising human sacrifice to challenge Mr. Obama’s otherwise-unobstructed crypto-Wilsonian March of Malfeasance is the right thing to do.
Of course, “knowing” isn’t enough. I have “reasons,” as well. Because, if you can’t cite authoritative justifications for your opinions, you shouldn’t be on Twitter:
1. I saw your ad on Craigslist, which always has great deals and happens to be the same place I totally pillaged this still-in-the-box Aeron chair from a Social Media startup bankruptcy sale.
2. I’m over 35, but mostly in the face, where it helps.
Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels, who has functioned as a security blanket for moderate Republicans alarmed by how kooky their party has become, emailed supporters to say he’s not running for president. David Brooks must have a massive sad.
On the other hand, Palin, the drum majorette of the Kook Parade, declared a hunka hunka burning yearning to save America from Kenyan socialism:
“I think my problem is that I do have the fire in my belly,” said Palin. “I’m so adamantly supportive of the good traditional things about America and our free enterprise system and I want to make sure that America is put back on the right track and we only do that by defeating Obama in 2012.”
“But yeah, the fire in my belly, it’s there. That’s kind of my problem - it’s such a roaring fire to preserve what is good about America,” she added.
The media attention resulting from such statements preserves what is good about Palin’s bank account. But with Daniels and Huckabee out of the way, Gingrich flaming out spectacularly and “elites” to spite, it’s entirely possible Palin will see this as her moment.
“Shuckey Duckey” is the stage name of comedian Cecil Armstrong. According to the Urban Dictionary, it is also slang for masturbation. I live in Pittsburgh, so it’s possible this means something else in Atlanta. If you know, please chime in.
PS: Commenters at Free Republic pegged the crowd at about 1,500, not 15,000. Then again, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t matter.
NOTE: Move the slider to any point after 1:19. Prior to that is nothing but a terrifying jumble of crackling PA system weirdness.
Somewhere in the middle distance stands Herman Cain, former chairman and CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, and ersatz deputy chairman (1992–94) and chairman (1995–96) of the civilian board of directors to the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City.
Many Freepers and ‘Baggers believe he’s the anti-Obama…even some who don’t own cowbells. Personally, I think he’s the new Fred Thompson.
PS: I’m sure the CSPAN video (which shows the actual candidate) will be available later. But this is such a wonderfully surreal video experience, I just had to rush it to press. Besides, if it’s good enough for Breitbart TV, it’s good enough for me.
[UPDATE:] Official announcement video (4:00) below the fold. It’s what you’d expect, but I used some of the music on a Westinghouse industrial promo in 1986, so you know this guy is totally on top of what’s goin’ down today.