Sunday, August 28, 2011

We now return to our regularly scheduled snark, already in progress…


It’s damn near impossible to heap too much derision on a blinkered hack like Jonah Goldberg of NRO. Goldberg’s latest column, “My Rick Perry Problem—and Ours,” comes in for its share of righteous ridicule.

As in most Goldberg columns, every hoary trope is hauled forth and lovingly fondled—libruls hate Jeebus, libruls think Southerners and Midwesterners are stupid, libruls look down upon state university graduates, libruls squeal like little girls at the sight of a firearm, etc. But within that loaf of lazy clichés and outright falsehoods glints a kernel of something that almost approaches insight:

Conservatism is starting to have an identity-politics problem all its own. I think conservatism needs to spend less time defending candidates for who they are, and more time supporting candidates for what they intend to do.

Perhaps “insight” it too strong a word, but we’re talking Jonah Fucking Goldberg here. I’d say it qualifies as a relative sort of insight, akin to the epiphany of a particularly dull, Easter chick-loving assembly line trainee at Purdue Pressed Chicken Parts who dimly perceives that his employer may not be as devoted to animal welfare as he originally thought.

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Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/28/11 at 09:54 AM

Categories: PoliticsBushCoElection '12NuttersSarah PalinTeabaggeryOur Stupid Media

New York City hurricane cam

According to the radar on my favorite hurricane site, it looks like Hurricane Irene’s eye wall is coming through New York City right about now. Here’s streaming vid from Livestream’s Midtown Manhattan office (16th floor).

Watch live streaming video from breakinglivenow at

Stay safe! It’ll be over soon, and perhaps our hurricane zone operatives will bring us astonishing and exclusive photos. Or maybe they’ll just have a giant bloody Mary and hit the sack.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/28/11 at 05:54 AM


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Leading From Behind Again

What a cool video.  Doesn’t this just remind y’all of how Dubya took the same kind of command back when Katrina was roaring onshore?

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Oh.  Wait.

Not to minimize this or anything.  East Coast Roasters we’re throwing all the good thoughts your way that we possibly can.  Stay safe!

Posted by marindenver on 08/27/11 at 07:28 PM

Categories: NewsPoliticsBarack ObamaBushCo

Hurricane Jukebox

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, build a party tape.

Four songs about wind, one song about making a getaway. That’s what we call “balance.”

Stay frosty, y’all…and be safe.

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Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 08/27/11 at 07:12 PM

Categories: MessylaneousMusicRumproast Related

NYC, For All Your Pre-End-Time Necessities

irene priorities

Never let it be said that we don’t know how to handle a little rotational air current! This was K-Mart last night. There was still sparkling water left, quite a reverse of the usual elitist eastern buying pattern.

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Posted by Mrs. Polly on 08/27/11 at 11:17 AM

Categories: BoozeImagesMessylaneousNewsSkull Hampers

Saturday Brunch Music & Open Thread

My daughter saw this and commented on how freaking lame music videos were in the 80s. Well, the production values suck, for sure. But I’m not sure the substance is really all that different from the crap she watches, the snotty brat.

So, hurricane-affected peeps, how’s it going? I think I speak for many Floridians when I say we feel so…left out. We’re rooting for you, though, and stand ready to send our highly experienced electrical power restoration crews to assist you when the storm passes. For reals. I saw them mobilizing already.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/27/11 at 08:42 AM

Categories: MusicNewsYouTubidity

Friday, August 26, 2011

Obama Ends Vacation Early, Returns to White House Tonight

He says he’s doing it because he thinks it’s prudent for the President to be in DC overseeing hurricane emergency response, instead of, say, playing a guitar or blowing out the candles on John McCain’s birthday cake.

But we all know that’s another lying lie from President Nefarious Q. Mountebank, the Man Who Only Does Good in the Service of Evil.

Alternative explanations for his sudden return abound on the Web. Feel free to add your own.

♦  Because Sarah Palin said he would.

♦  Because he just remembered that August 30th is Eid al-Fitr, the end of Ramadan, and it’s time to launch the attack on Israel.

♦  Because he just saw the new Pew Poll that says he’s increasingly being perceived as an “ineffective leader,” so he’s heading back to DC to capture Gaddafi and screw Firebaggers with renewed decisiveness and vigor.

♦  Because Sean Hannity really needed to fill 5 minutes on his radio show today bitching about how Michelle Obama isn’t returning to DC tonight, but will fly back with the children in a day or two on a carbon-belching rented Concorde that costs the US taxpayer $800,000 a minute to fly, whilst dining on a $5,000 burger plate prepared by the chefs of Fleur. Or something.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 08/26/11 at 02:53 PM

Categories: NewsPoliticsBarack Obama

Palin Rebuts President’s Comments on Hurricane Irene

Did you really think America’s Backseat Driver™ could resist?


[H/T: Poe’s Law]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/26/11 at 11:52 AM

Categories: NewsPoliticsBarack ObamaNuttersSarah PalinTeabaggery

Your Absolutely Calm Rumproast Guide To Hurricane Preparedness


Not to worry!  East Coasters have come in for a measure of abuse during our recent seismic surprise, but we’ve got this. Go Bag, with important documents and shatterproof flask of sherry, check. Hand-cranked cell-phone charger (and Rumproast connection lifeline), check.

Our own Floridian Betty Cracker, who’s luckily getting just a sideswipe, posted this fabulous hurricane tracking site to end all hurricane tracking sites in the Rumper Room. Thanks Betty! Now I’ll know exactly how much to cower from.

I should be tying down the furniture and draping the piano, and to all you wonderful Roasters in the path of this thing, here’s FEMA’s site, as if you didn’t know how to get there on your own.  We live in lower Manhattan, and might be evacuated, so I couldn’t resist posting One More Blingee. Good luck, stop reading, and get yourself to high ground!

Now go find those batteries you stashed—somewhere. Where the hell are they?

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 08/26/11 at 09:00 AM

Categories: BoozeImagesNewsRumproast Related

Judicial Twatwaffle Outlaws Babysitters, Day Care Centers, Schools ...

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I’ll say it now, bigots are fucking morons. Exhibit #9826(W) comes to us by way of (surprise) Texas [via TWO]:

In a case causing rising controversy in the US, a judge has told a Texan man he cannot leave his children in the care of the man he married.

Inter-state tension continues as the marriage between William Flowers and Jim Evans fails to be properly recognised in the second-largest US state.

Flowers had been married to a woman previously and fathered three children with her before they divorced in 2004. At the time, it was agreed she would keep custody of the children.

Over six years on, in early 2011, Flowers married Jim Evans in Connecticut, and began proceedings to claim custody.

Evans didn’t get custody, but that’s not the problem [I disagree, but no matter. - ed]. The judge in the case has ruled that Evans can’t leave the children with anyone “not related by blood or adoption,” which specifically excludes his husband.

TPM provides more details:

Judge Charley E. Prine, Jr. “issued a ruling which included an injunction applicable only to William. It prohibits him from leaving his children alone with any male to whom the kids are not related by ‘blood* or adoption,’”

But because bigots are fucking idiots, Prine forgot he was also creating a little thing called precedent. At a minimum it creates an opportunity to make divorce and custody proceedings 100% uglier. A former husband can argue that based on this ruling, mom can’t leave the children alone with a new boyfriend. Ditto a new husband until he formally adopts the kids. A former wife can argue that it is discrimination to only apply the ruling to men, and by the way, tell my ex-husband he can’t leave my kids alone with his girlfriend.

And why stop there? Once you argue that children shouldn’t be left alone with non-relatives it’s just a short step to arguing the kids should only be alone with relatives. My advice to parents in Texas: Hire a reputable genealogist and hope like hell you’re at least the 10th cousin twice removed of your babysitter, day care provider, kid’s teachers, football coaches ...

Or you could move to a state where fuckheads don’t run the show.

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Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 08/26/11 at 07:07 AM

Categories: LGBTRelijun

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?


Now that the Libyan “squirmish” she opposed has resulted in the apparent ouster of Moammar Gadhafi, America’s Backseat Driver™ has issued some helpful tips on handling the aftermath via Facebook:

First, the White House needs to avoid triumphalism.

Har-dee-fucking-har-har! THIS White House always avoids triumphalism. It’s you Republican jackasses who should have “Avoid Triumphalism” tattooed on your goddamned foreheads.

Second, we must be very concerned about the future government that will emerge to take Gaddafi’s place… We should work through diplomatic means to help those who want democracy to come out on top.

Ya think? I’m sure Hillary is on it, hon.

That said, we should not commit U.S. troops or military assets to serve as peacekeepers or perform humanitarian missions or nation-building in Libya. Our military is already over-committed and strained, and a vaguely designed mission can be the first step toward a quagmire.

A “quagmire” is what the president has thus far avoided in Libya, chiefly by ignoring the advice of the neocon assholes in the Republican Party like your former running mate.

Finally, we must make sure that terrorist groups don’t try to co-opt the revolution, as Al Qaeda is trying to do in Syria. We should continue to use our intelligence assets to monitor the situation in Libya to ensure that potentially dangerous weapons are secured, and that terrorist organizations such as Al Qaeda don’t gain a foothold in Libya.

I’m betting Mssrs. Petraeus, Panetta and Morell are way ahead of you, Snowflake Snooki. Along with every other sentient creature on the planet.

People of Libya, be vigilant. May this opportunity be used to build a free and peaceful country.

Don’t the people of Libya have enough worries without being lectured by this raving, egocentric twit? Yep. All of us have, come to think of it.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/25/11 at 06:55 PM

Did Palin’s press agent push the panic button?

Sarah Palin’s adorable sidekick Greta Van Susteren was interviewing Fox colleague Karl “Turdblossom” Rove about the effect of the Bush Depression on Republican prospects for the 2012 race, Obama’s elitist vacation, etc. The subject turned—as ever—to other Fox colleague Sarah “Quitting Bull” Palin, Rove’s recent remarks about her getting into the 2012 race and Team Quitting Bull’s caustic response to Rove’s speculation. From the transcript (because I can’t get the bloody, buggery video code):

ROVE: Yes. Well, first of all, I do assume she—she—when her—when SARAHPAC issues a statement, I assume that Governor Palin authorized the statement. So she knew exactly what SARAHPAC was going to say. But look, here’s the deal…

VAN SUSTEREN: I didn’t even know about, but OK.

ROVE: Oh, yes. Yes, that’s where—that’s where—that’s where her comment came from was a statement put out by SARAHPAC. But look, she’s a big—she’s a potentially big factor in the presidential election. If she were to get in, she’d be a “contenda,” as they would say. She was the vice presidential nominee in 2008. She maintains a following.

There are people who want her in and there are some people who would be deeply concerned if she did because she’d be eating into their—into their ranks. But she’s a player. And so if she doesn’t want to be speculated about, then end the speculation by saying, “I’m not going to be a candidate.”

Until then, I would just recommend she might get a slightly thicker skin because if she’s got this thin a skin now, when people are saying, Well, I think she might be a candidate, what kind of—how’s she going to react if she does get into the campaign and gets the scrutiny that every presidential candidate does get? I mean, that’s not going to be a pretty sight if she’s as thin-skinned in the fray as she is on the edges of it.

At that point, the interview was abruptly cut off with a “breaking news alert” about Steve Jobs’ resignation, which was definitely NOT breaking news at that hour. You can see the clip at The Raw Story here.

Rove also says he suspects Palin would be whining about LACK of coverage if no one was paying attention to her. Those are probably the truest words the cretinous bastard has ever uttered in his miserable life.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/25/11 at 10:56 AM

Categories: PoliticsBarack ObamaBushCoElection '12NuttersSarah PalinOur Stupid Media

Chimpy W. McFlightsuit II

Rush Limbaugh’s little bro David tweeted this picture because he thinks it helps the Perry campaign. The Perry campaign thinks so too, responding to a request for comment from Politico (cursed be its name) with, “A picture is worth a thousand words.”


Now, if you embrace the Limbaugh worldview, military machismo sets your man-boobs aquiver. (The military service of others, that is; when it comes to actual shootin’ wars, chickenhawks like Rush Limbaugh tend to punk out with an ass cyst or deferment of some sort.) To that mindset, this photo spread would indeed redound to the credit of the codpiece wearer while evoking pleasurable ooga-booga sensations vis-à-vis the president with the scary middle name.

But there are fewer and fewer Americans every year who can be manipulated by such primitive means, Allah be praised. As Steve M points out, if the last several presidential elections are any indication, Americans do not require their leaders to have served in the military, preferring instead to evaluate candidates on rigorous standards such as “he would be fun to have a beer with” or “he has a cool campaign logo.”

But aside from uselessly beating the long-deceased horse of military service, Perry’s codpiece photo might have the unintended consequence of further solidifying the connection between Perry and the original Commander Codpiece. Since he already comes across as a cheap Shrub knock-off, I don’t think Perry can afford to reinforce that meme.

PS: Does the Limbaugh (k)clan own the white-sheet franchise in Missouri? Rush Limbaugh has been a public racist cretin for three decades now, and his little brother thinks it’s amusing to label an African American man “boy.” If I were unfortunate enough to be related to those creeps, I think I’d change my last name to something a bit less toxic. “Bedford-Forrest” perhaps.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/25/11 at 08:22 AM

Daily Mail Hack Humps National Enquirer’s Leg, Zombies Swarm to Jeer and Cheer

There is still no August Surprise. Because it’s no surprise that it’s August, bears relieve themselves in the wood, the Pope still hasn’t converted to Islam, and that Daily Mail hack Tamara Abraham—more usually seen covering the Karl Lagerfeld—Victoria Beckham spectrum of political discourse—has discovered yet another mole inside the White House ready to spill the beans on Michelle “Marie Antoinette” Obama. Again. Here’s Abraham’s breathless report from yesterday:

Expensive massages, top shelf vodka and five-star hotels: First Lady accused of spending $10m in public money on her vacations

The Obamas’ summer break on Martha’s Vineyard has already been branded a PR disaster after the couple arrived four hours apart on separate government jets.

But according to new reports, this is the least of their extravagances.

White House sources today claimed that the First Lady has spent $10million of U.S. taxpayers’ money on vacations alone in the past year.

Branding her “disgusting” and “a vacation junkie”, they say the 47-year-old mother-of-two has been indulging in five-star hotels, where she splashes out on expensive massages and alcohol.

Egad. The White House sources for this stunning revelation?

The “top source” told the National Enquirer: “It’s disgusting. Michelle is taking advantage of her privileged position while the most hardworking Americans can barely afford a week or two off work.”

Ah. In the course of translation, those “sources” seem to have become singular, grown some “scare quotes,” and stem from a publication that may be the go-to place for information on the comings and goings of aliens on Earth, but can sometimes be a little, shall we say, inventive in its coverage of other issues. Nothing to see here, then?

Of course, Memeorandum duly plonks this pile of poo in its listings, numerous ludicrous righty American blogs echo it, and next thing you know, their commenters flood the Mail‘s comments stream, partying down like it’s 2009. Or 2010. Or earlier in 2011. Or whenever was the last time one of the British media played this neat trick of turning crap into gold by feeding right-wing America exactly what it wants to hear and counting the clicks.

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Posted by YAFB on 08/25/11 at 05:03 AM

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Man Who Will Be King

Now the Republicans simply must convince Senator Marco Rubio of Florida to run for president or force him to run as second banana to Perry or Bachmann or whichever horrid teatard bags the nomination: Not only does he have 50% more vowels in his name than the average GOPer, Rubio saved Nancy Reagan!

VIDEO: Nancy Reagan falls :

I wonder what Mrs. Reagan was whispering to Rubio before she almost face-planted? Probably something like, “Can you fetch me a mojito, ‘Lonzo?”

Fox reported that Mrs. Reagan appeared uninjured, took her seat and remained in it for the entire night’s speechifying. Well, it’s not like she had much of a choice, did she? Poor old thing.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/24/11 at 01:12 PM

Categories: NewsPoliticsElection '10Election '12NuttersTeabaggeryOur Stupid Media

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