Goodbye to the year that gave us Newt ReNewed, Occupations Removed, and Bachmann Corndog Lovin’. The year to come promises to be target-rich, and though the Roast has taken a hit, we will be up and snarking with every bit of childish, unrepentant glee we can muster. Thank you to our Roasty readers for your support through the years of our existence, and health to all, especially our Strange.
Just about every media outlet is running its own roundup of the events of 2011. I’d like to try something different (and, obviously, be somewhat lazy), and throw it open to you, our lovely Rumproast community, to spare a little time from your preparations for seeing in the New Year (“when it comes,” as they always say here in still-superstitious and never presumptious Scotland) to sift out the notable events, happy and sad, hilarious and tragic, conclusive and ongoing, that you consider most significant.
To kick us off, on the media front, I’d have to rank the continuing revelations and recriminations of the phone hacking and associated scandals involving Rupert Murdoch’s News International as a development that was long in coming and gleefully enjoyed, coupled with Fox News’s sharp decline in ratings and the Tea Party-humping residual shitstorm that is currently engulfing the GOP.
In terms of international politics, the fall and demise of Gaddafi is obviously among the most notable events, along with that of Osama bin Laden, against the background of international economic and social turmoil.
Breitbartocalypse and the predicted tidal wave of wingnutry that would sweep all before it have apparently been postponed, though there are still a few hours left yet, so I’ll hang off on declaring that a bust.
On a personal note, I couldn’t round up 2011 without wishing that StrangeAppar8us was able to share his own views with us at this moment, and the sad events that saw him facing a long, but not hopeless, road to recovery have obviously overshadowed the closing of the year. I wish him—as I wish you, our visitors and commenters, and not least my co-bloggers—a Happy New Year when it comes. An interesting 2012 is more or less assured. Let’s hope it’s a happier one for us all.
You really need the stammer to get the full flavor of panderrific flacidity—seriously, this cat exudes the raw sexuality of a 1950s grade-school PSA—but I can’t find embeddable audio. Quoth the Replican’t:
He’s in Hawaii right now. We’re out in the cold and the rain and the wind because we care about America, he’s out there. He just finished his 90th round of golf.
Hee hee, this jagoff’s gonna try to go the “my patriotism’s bigger” route, because y’know, it’s still 2005, and Bush has yet to cause a tunnel collapse in that particular passageway.
Who’s getting elevated this week, is it Santorum’s turn yet? Whatever, drop the act and line the fuck up behind this twerp, GOP, you know you’re gonna eventually. I’d say I feel your pain, but Mitt Romney makes John Kerry look like Snake Plisskin.
Yes, I realize Democratic consultants and strategists are hard at work figuring out a way to lose to the Plastic Colon, and while that’s certainly cause for concern, remember the old saying: “You can put lipstick on the piggy bank from Toy Story, but it’s still just a polyurethane knick-knack, no matter how much Bob Shrum insists it’s a wildly electable boar.” Pretty sure that’s how it goes, I barfed all over my copy of Bartlett’s when I heard Romney use golfing as code for elitism.
The good folks at Balloon Juice have been righteously mocking Andrew Sullivan and other professional contrarians who rashly jumped on the Ron Paul bandwagon when the old kook’s campaign suddenly gained a pulse in Iowa. Sully walked back his endorsement after being hammered for issuing it to a candidate with such a troubling history of publishing racist, homophobic rants. But he’s still lamely attempting a post-hoc justification by citing random un-offended black folk and posting inane Paul supporter comments such as this one linked by Mr. Cole:
“I voted for Obama in 2008 but we need a change. Dr Paul is consistent and honest, which is very hard to find. He is not just telling us what we have heard before,” - Samantha Dunn, a 28-year-old teacher in Iowa, to the Daily Telegraph.
This is the kind of shit that makes me want to snort Wild Turkey with a Neti pot. It’s not just the sheer tonnage of stupid packed into those three sentences; it’s the horrific realization that these are the people who will decide the 2012 election.
What are you out of touch with this morning? And before you say that referring to 11:30 a.m. as “morning” paints me as out of touch with the struggles of the working-class common man, you should know that I’ve been out and about earning my keep since 7. On Rollerblades, just like the working-class common man.
I AM THE 99 PERCENT SURE I’M GONNA GET FLATTENED BY AN SUV
Do you have the logo of a band nobody’s ever heard of tattooed on your arm? I do! HIPSTER VICTORY ASSURED. Remind me to tell you sometime how this factoid relates to Mary Tyler Moore ripping me a new asshole.
“For 20 years, I’ve been doing things on behalf of the people of Nebraska and putting things off,” he said. “There comes a time when you have to make that decision, do you continue to put things off and do what you’ve been doing?”
~Replace John Hodgman in Apple’s “I’m a Mac” ad campaign; get fired for showing up to shoots dressed in hipster signifiers & agreeing vigorously with Justin Long
~Join PepsiCo Board of Directors, buy world a Coke
~Sell arms to anti-American forces abroad, cite decades-long experience providing ammo to the other side
~Become lobbyist; spend most of his time hanging out at service entrance, because he always does the opposite of what he’s supposed to be doing, see
~Attempt to take down IRS from the inside; unaware that IRS Records and Internal Revenue Service are not the same thing, record surprisingly competent rock/reggae fusion album
~Get job as Wal-Mart greeter, invoke “conscience clause” to avoid saying hello to potential sluts
~Find a way to look even more like Jerry Van Dyke
~Whenever there’s a patch of freshly laid, unhardened cement nearby, “tag” it with side of head, because the dude just loves earmarks
~Belatedly realize “Ask Ben Nelson To Resign” Facebook campaign was most likely started by liberals, run for Senate
~Spend more time undermining his family
UPDATE 10:34pm—I knew I was bitin’ Letterman’s style, but I was like whatever, all my stuff’s ripped off from somebody. Now that I’ve counted the number of items, though, I should probably apologize for making everyone at RRHQ vulnerable to an infringement lawsuit.
I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but the brief period between the Christmas holiday celebrations and the full-on bacchanalian blitzkrieg that is Hogmanay in these climes always seems like an unreal limbo.
Maybe it’s because I work from home, but every weekday seems like Sunday, the skinny newspapers that do appear are pared down to the important issues, like coverage of bloatered knobs in drag hunting varmints with hounds, and my lackadaisical first world-problem lassitude as I pick my way around the not-yet-stowed or yet-to-be-delivered Christmas gifts and the debris of a dozen meals and beer sessions cluttering the kitchen to try to muster the enthusiasm to do some work is not improved by yet another round of 90 mph gales and darkness at noon, with the ever-present threat of a random power cut to scupper the plans of the day.
Buffeted and dazed, I cast around the Web, while I still can, in search of illumination and comfort, and am buoyed by one less than seasonably generous thought. Every day when I wake up, I thank the Lord I’m not a Republican:
A USA Today editorial was published last week under the byline of Willard M. Romney, son of American Motors Corporation CEO, Michigan governor, GOP presidential candidate and Nixon-appointed HUD Secretary George Romney. The late George Romney’s privileged princeling, who went on to rake in hundreds of millions of dollars at Bain Capital, chose “entitlement” as his topic. Here’s an excerpt:
In less than a year, the American people will go to the polls and choose a new president. A matter of great moment is at stake in this election. The question we will decide is this: Will the United States be an Entitlement Society or an Opportunity Society?
In an Entitlement Society, government provides every citizen the same or similar rewards, regardless of education, effort and willingness to innovate, pioneer or take risk. In an Opportunity Society, free people living under a limited government choose whether or not to pursue education, engage in hard work, and pursue the passion of their ideas and dreams. If they succeed, they merit the rewards they are able to enjoy.
Hahahaha! All you dumb poors could be wearing Armani suits and clenching thousand dollar bills in your perfectly straight, white teeth too if you weren’t uneducated, shiftless, unimaginative pricks who think you’re “entitled” to shitty healthcare and a $1,100-a-month government check when you retire from a lifetime of backbreaking labor.
Your cruel wish to abolish tax code provisions like the carried interest loophole that allows Romney to pay a maximum of 15% taxes on his Bain Capital earnings rather than the heftier percentage paid by cops, teachers and firefighters is class warfare of the worst sort. Ungrateful peasants.
But seriously, folks, it looks like the Republicans are going to nominate Richie Rich, so we’ll be treated to future lectures on “entitlement” from this entitled scion. It will be like a compulsory education on discretion by the Kardashians. Huzzah.
I had better luck: No dead pets, and I pulled off a lovely Christmas dinner for 10 people without a hitch. My kid was ecstatic (well, as ecstatic as jaded middle-schoolers get) about her presents. Little does she suspect that “her” new Xbox was primarily purchased so her dad and I can use the streaming feature to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Twilight Zone reruns.
We had an unseasonably warm Christmas. It was 80 degrees, which is normally just fine with me except I was roasting a 14 pound prime rib, so it was more like 95 degrees in my kitchen. I was sorely tempted to turn the air conditioner on but resisted the impulse and instead fled to my porch at odd moments to fan myself with a potholder.
Hope y’all had a Merry Christma-Kwanz-Hanukkah. Consider this an open thread in which you can describe your favorite presents, amusing holiday anecdotes or whatever.
A compendium of camaraderie, blisteringly funny commentary, and heart, all wrapped up in snarky goodness, just for us? Thank you, jolly little blog! Now I feel bad about regifting you that sweater, but I’ll do better next year, I swear!