Thursday, December 08, 2011

Gil’s Gulch (UPDATE: now with state-of-the-art “actually links to something” link!)

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Hey, I just realized I can use this blogging software for something besides trying to feel better about myself by mocking others. I can also use it to point people in the direction of a thing I enjoyed, in the hopes that they too will enjoy it and then do something enjoyable for someone else, like in that movie “Play it, Forward,” which I guess was about basketball.

Atlas Shrugged Part I desperately wants to be a genuine Hollywood movie, just as badly as Christian filmmakers want to replicate the look, feel, and production values of their godless would-be peers/cultural enemies. It proves just as unsuccessful, yet Atlas Shrugged: Part I gets close enough for its efforts to be poignant, comic, and a little pathetic.

Read it more for the comments than the article. And speaking of skipping articles, a sample:

Cookie_Monster
Me late to thread, me know, but Heche completely wrong.  By every metric - GNP, unemployment, median wages - US economy better off day before Pearl Harbor than it was day before stock market crash.  New Deal not only got us out of Depression, it also set stage for incredible prosperity that follow WWII, and anyone who claim otherwise willfully ignoring facts to play politics.

By the way, I just found out that Gonzo lives here in Hoboken, I assume because of the Chicken Emergency. You’d think the brochure’d make a bigger deal out of that, I mean, fuck Sinatra.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 12/08/11 at 11:28 PM
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Categories: MoviesMovie ReviewsPoliticsNutters

Pee Party

Daily Show correspondent asks Voldemort Rick Scott to pee in a cup to prove that the country’s most despised governor is not squandering Florida taxpayer dollars on drugs:

Just how despised is Bat Boy Rick Scott? Let’s just say he’s about as popular as a shot of urine in a latte: Scott’s approval rating is now at the low end of the Crazification Factor range.

This means that only survey participants who would choose “lead paint flakes” over “corn flakes” as their favorite breakfast cereal are still on the Scott bandwagon. Oh, and tea partiers, of course. Pardon the redundancy.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/08/11 at 09:22 AM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsBedwettersElection '10NuttersTeabaggeryPolisnark

Fight! Fight! Grudge Match: Romney vs. Gingrich [Updated X3]

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Laydeez and gentlemen—in the red corner, Mitt “Flip This” Romney, in the even redder corner, Newt “Never Knowingly Undersold” Gingrich:

On Thursday, former New Hampshire Governor John Sununu and former Missouri Senator Jim Talent will hold a press conference call to discuss Speaker Newt Gingrich’s record. Details are as follows:

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Event: Gov. John Sununu And Sen. Jim Talent To Hold A Press Conference Call

When: 9:00 AM EST

Fifteen five-minute rounds, no rules, winner takes the nomination. Until the next great white hope comes along.

Popcorn will be available if the vendors can pick their way around the heaps of spectators rolling in the aisles.

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Posted by YAFB on 12/08/11 at 05:09 AM
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Wednesday, December 07, 2011

A day that will live in idiocy

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I’ve heard some truly stupid manufactured wingnut controversies in my time, but this one might take the cake:

Sidwell Friends School, Sasha and Malia Obama’s School, Opts For Asian, including Japanese Food On Pearl Harbor Day

WASHINGTON (WUSA)—What are President Obama’s kids eating at school on Pearl Harbor day? Japanese food, of course! Sidwell Friends School’s website shows the menu for Wednesday December 7th, 2011, the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor Day, as an Asian food day. Pearl Harbor Day is usually a time of remembrance for Americans. On December 7th, 1941, thousands of Americans died in a sneak attack by the Japanese on Pearl Harbor Navy base in Hawaii. An attack that thrust the U.S. into World War II.

It was the bloodiest foreign attack on U.S. soil in the modern war era, until the September 11th attacks in 2001. Here are the options for Malia Obama and her sister, Sasha on the “Day that will live in Infamy:”

Asian Mushroom Soup
Oriental Noodle Salad
Classic Spinach Salad
Teriyaki Marinated Chicken Strips
Szechuan Tofu & Veggies
Garlic Roasted Edamame
Vegetable Fried Rice
Fortune Cookies

See, the Japanese are slant-eyed bastards just like the Chinese and other people from them “Yellow Peril” countries, so having “Asian” food on 12/7 is exactly like smacking Lady Liberty in the snoot with a block of chilled tuna. Now we know who those “Sidwell Friends” people pal around with—enemies of America!

The sneaky Quaker bastards probably also serve falafels on 9/11, pho on the anniversary of the Tet Offensive and schnitzel on Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Beck’s House o’ Crazy picked up the “news” item, and the comments are about what you’d expect, prominently featuring the word “uppity.” Sweet, raw, tender Jeebus encased in sticky rice and drizzled with Kikkoman’s, these people are dumb.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/07/11 at 01:44 PM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsBedwettersNuttersOur Stupid Media

Lady Lynn Putain de Ronguers

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Oh, you thought that just because co-blogger Gil Mann brilliantly exposed Lady Lynn’s cheeky attempt to employ William Butler Yeats as an “edginess” condiment in the latest revenge soufflé she’s whipped up in response to being denied an ambassadorship in a Hillary Clinton Administration, we were, like, done with that subject?

You thought just because the great TBogg weighed in, noting that Lady Lynn was “sensing revolution in the air and wary that a ride in tumbrel might make her ass look big,” there was nothing new to add?

Well, you’re right: Gil and TBogg thoroughly covered both the literary pretentiousness and ratfucking angles. But as I had already Photoshopped an illustration for a post that would have been weak sauce compared to their efforts—before pecuniary considerations compelled me to shelve the project (thus sparing me the indignity of suffering by comparison)—I will instead use this image to draw your attention to Gil and TBogg’s superior products on the topic. And to provide an open thread. You’re welcome.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/07/11 at 07:52 AM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsElection '12PolisnarkPUMAs

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Tonight on the WB

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above: anti-elitist champion of common man prepares to smash system

Hey, you guys ever hear of Lynn Forester de Rothschild? No? Yeah, didn’t think so. Anyway, she’s got a piece up on the Huffington Post. It’s well worth your time, assuming you don’t have a finite amount of it on earth.

The words of Irish poet William Butler Yeats in his poem, The Second Coming, have an eerie resonance for American politics today. “Things fall apart; the center cannot hold… The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity. Surely some revelation is at hand.”

Oh yeah, The Second Coming, love that one. It’s funny, I remember when I was in high school, that was the poem that proved poetry could be cool; problem is, it’s also the poem that every jackass thinks has an “eerie resonance” for whatever’s on their mind, young me especially. It wasn’t until I saw Ed Harris’s character quoting it in that “Stephen King’s The Stand” miniseries that I realized it’s the go-to poem for dumb people who wanna play at being dark and edgy (again, young me especially), kinda like how everyone reads that Robert Frost poem and identifies with the iconoclastic protagonist. I mean seriously, guys, does it seem likely that all of you took the path less taken? Because if we’re giving weight to self-reportage that’s the well-trod one at this point. I shudder to think how many people put that down as their yearbook quote just a few months before going off to pursue a business degree.

Anyway.

In an environment of unprecedented political gridlock in Washington and broad-based dissatisfaction with the leading candidates of both parties, 2012 may finally be the year when an independent candidate becomes president of the United States. For the first time in our nation’s history, popular dissatisfaction with both parties is reinforced by the existence of serious bipartisan organizations that will facilitate the effort of a non-aligned national figure to become president. Because of these two factors, the opportunity to mobilize what Tom Friedman calls “the radical center” has never been greater. Indeed, “some revelation is at hand”.

I’m all for nontraditional interpretation, but I gotta say, Lynn, you might be the first person in history to read that line as “good news, everyone!”

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 12/06/11 at 08:32 PM
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Categories: PoliticsEditorialsElection '12

Is there a more useless—or corrupt—sheriff in the world than Joe Arpaio?

Maricopa County, AZ sheriff Joe Arpaio is a legend in his own mind, and notorious the world over. He also has an idiosyncratic view of what the priorities of a county sheriff should be.

Last year, he took time off from the day job to gift Sarah Palin (for those who’ve never heard of her, check out the tag below by that name for a detailed history) some pink underwear, resembling the items he forced prisoners in his charge to wear (though presumably a little less preworn than standard prison issue, but who knows?). Then, as we covered last November, a secret database was discovered and there was a big kerfuffle about an alleged $80 million misspend by his department.

As that all rattled on, with subpoenas and ongoing investigations and the like, ole Joe’s interest was piqued by birtherism. In October, he saw it as his public duty to investigate ways to bar President Obama from standing for reelection:

Now, America’s self-proclaimed “toughest sheriff” has some fresh bullshit good news for the “birther” crowd: “there could be a shock” when the sheriff’s “birther” posse finishes its investigation into Obama.

“I can’t tell you everything, but there could be a shock there somewhere that my guys came up with. I can’t talk too much about it. It’s in the process,” Arpaio told members of the Arizona Tea Party Tuesday night.

Arpaio then referenced Obama’s Social Security number, noting that “there are a couple of things you and nobody else here knows anything about yet that could be a little bit exciting.”

The excitement continued in November:

“I want to see the Microfiche,” Sheriff Joe Arpaio told a packed East Orlando Tea Party audience last week.  In explaining his Birther Posse activities, he said his group of 60 retired cops and attorneys should have a report for him as early as January or February because they are searching around the clock to find out where the President was born.

Delivering a keynote speech to his rapt listeners, Arpaio said the l961 microfiche holds the key to determining if Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii or Kenya. “Twins were born before Barack Obama, and now we have to see if he was born the next day.”  But Sheriff Joe said he won’t be taking any bets on his posse getting the microfilm.  He expressed consternation that the regular media are just not talking about the Obama birth issue which is on people’s minds all across the country.

Arpaio, who has fifty years of law enforcement experience, said proudly, “I serve the Public; the Public is my Boss.”

Well, his Boss isn’t too pleased with him at the moment, as TPM reports.

Critics of notorious Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio say he inadequately investigated over 400 sex-crime investigations, according to a report by the Associated Press.

AP sources, including current and former police officers, say that over three years, ending in 2007, sex-crime cases were not properly investigated, or not investigated at all. In the city of El Mirage, for example, there were 32 child molestations reported — 26 of which had suspects — that were not thoroughly investigated. One former El Mirage police officer told the AP that in many of the cases, the victims were children of illegal immigrants.

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Posted by YAFB on 12/06/11 at 01:37 PM
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Categories: PoliticsNuttersSarah PalinTeabaggerySkull Hampers

Monday, December 05, 2011

Republican Presidential Campaign Just Covered With Awesome Sauce!

Just in the last day or two. . .

Herman Cain “suspends” his campaign after double whammy of revelations of numerous sexual harassment complaints followed by even more titillating revelations of long time affair with a woman named Ginger White. 

Who then gives a “tell all” interview to the Daily Beast which leaves me thinking that Cain’s long suffering wife is the only relatively sympathetic character in this sad threesome.

So, without Cain to kick around, The Donald takes shots at Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul for refusing to play in his Kingmaker reality show game debate.  The prize in this contest is Trump’s no doubt coveted endorsement!

Just to add whipped cream and a cherry atop the Awesome Sauce sundae, Trump then mulls a third party run if his Chosen One does not win the nomination.  (Gotta finish filming the latest “Celebrity Apprentice” first though.  Priorities!)

Not exactly to my surprise, Karl Rove actually came off looking like the wise old sage.

And if you’ve got just a leeeettle more room, Nancy Smash threatens to bring the hammer down on the Newster’s head “when the time is right”.  When Newt cries foul Lady Smash reminds us that it’s all on the public record.  People may have just, you know, forgotten some of the juicy, juicy details.  Which has probably sent Newt’s staffer (he has at least one, right?) heading for the archives to see what’s there and try to figure how to counter spin Nancy’s giant top.  The one rolling rapidly in Newt’s direction.

On their best day the Obama/Clinton match up never came even close to this kind of hilarity.  If you’re tired of parking your cash in .8% CD’s may I suggest popcorn futures?

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Posted by marindenver on 12/05/11 at 08:01 PM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '12NuttersTeabaggeryOur Stupid Media

Eric Bolling: I thought we’d cornered the market in Muppetry

Very serious Fox Business kettle-calling endless fount of steaming bullshit Eric Bolling skips ogling the Dow to watch Sesame Street—a lot, if his broadcast fixations are anything to go by.

Earlier in the year it was OUTRAGE!!!! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!! at the program’s audacity in portraying Lily, a character who’s poor in a country where it’s estimated that 1 in 5 children live in poverty. “Why does Lily have to be a Muppet? Why does Sesame Street have to make Lily a poverty-stricken little Muppet?” he lamented. Well, because it’s a frikkin MUPPET SHOW, dumbass. What would you prefer, a Smurf?

Now it’s PITY TEH POOR MILLIONAIRES!!!! as he blasts those liberals at Disney Corp. for its new movie The Muppets’ portrayal of “Tex Richman,” a Big Oil executive, as a baddie: “IS LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD TRYING TO BRAINWASH OUR KIDS?!?!?!”

Amid the fuming and frothing, and before being soundly trounced by guest Professor Caroline “Dr. McHottie” Heldman, Bolling declaims:

I remember when I was a little kid, we were poor, we were dead broke in fact, and my parents would see somebody wealthy driving by and be like, “See that guy, he worked hard, he started a business, you could be like that guy some day,” not pointing the finger at Tex Richman and saying he’s a bad guy.

Sadly, despite this formative guidance, little Eric didn’t end up running a business, but instead spends his days feeding his all-consuming outrage addiction by watching kids’ shows, roaring incoherently at strangers, and pointing the finger at those liberal bad guys. His parents must be very proud.

In the next edition, expect Bolling to go after the Brothers Grimm. Bloody liberals.

Posted by YAFB on 12/05/11 at 10:00 AM
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Categories: PoliticsBedwettersNuttersOur Stupid MediaSkull Hampers

Who will step right up to the carnival barker?

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Reality TV silly person and recreational racist Donald Trump is moderating a GOP debate later this month in conjunction with wingnut media site Newsmax. The Huntsman campaign was the first to send regrets:

“We look forward to watching Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich suck up to Trump with a big bowl of popcorn,” Huntsman spokesman Tim Miller told Yahoo News.

Somewhat awkward sentence construction since it’s not clear whether Huntsman and Miller will share the popcorn or if Mittens and Newt will present it as an offering to Trump. But in either case, kudos to Miller for treating the invitation with the seriousness it deserves. To its credit, the Paul campaign declined with extreme prejudice:

“The selection of a reality television personality to host a presidential debate that voters nationwide will be watching is beneath the office of the Presidency and flies in the face of that office’s history and dignity…Mr. Trump’s participation will contribute to an unwanted circus-like atmosphere,” campaign chairman Jesse Benton said.

What of the others? Well, Gingrich is meeting with Trump today, so evidently he doesn’t regard the short-fingered vulgarian* as politically toxic. Romney has met with Trump in the past and seems craven enough to remove the rings in Pam Geller’s hot tub with his tongue if that’s what it takes to bag the nomination. By virtue of her status as an actual elected official, Bachmann is even more of a national disgrace than Trump. And Santorum is merely a naughty word, so what does he have to lose?

My guess is the remaining candidates show up. As pundits have noted ad nauseam, this year’s GOP nomination race represents a fusion of politics and reality TV. So how can Trump be beneath their dignity? Huntsman and Paul pretend he is, but they’ve participated in the serial clown car pile-ups we’ve witnessed thus far without denouncing the liars and phonies with whom they’ve shared the stage. So pardon me if I find their sudden squeamishness a little precious.

* H/T: Spy Magazine

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/05/11 at 08:48 AM
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Sunday, December 04, 2011

Headdeskers Ball

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gee, your flag smells terrific


The Daily Caller has finally done something for me other than conjure up an image of Tucker Carlson showing up at the door night after night with a bouquet of flowers and hopes of courtship. The name also makes me think of those assholes at Discover Card. I WAS ONLY USING YOU TO BUILD CREDIT, THERE IS NO US.

The Daily Caller has given me that greatest of gifts, the chance to indulge in music snobbery. No small feat considering I think “Ride Like the Wind” kicks ass unironically, Christopher Cross’s claim of being the son of a lawless man notwithstanding (white collar criminal I’d buy—that would explain the sailboat—but why bring it up if he’s not who you got the gun from, Chris?). And since I refuse to delve deep enough into Nickelback’s catalog to form an opinion on that halftime petition thing, I need this. I won’t be able to look down my nose at anything once this Van Dyke goes from salt & pepper to flat gray; I’ll have to settle for looking askance at things, assuming the ear-hair situation remains manageable.

If you’re a conservative or tea partier or libertarian or war veteran who lies awake at night wondering why there’s no band out there that really understands you, The Daily Caller has you covered.

Crying into your pillow: So fucking metal.

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 12/04/11 at 11:03 PM
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Saturday, December 03, 2011

Cain Campaign Announcement Open Thread. BREAKING: Cain Suspends His Campaign

After his “kitchen cabinet” consultation, what will Herman say?

Here’s a livestream Here’s the full speech from what had been billed as the launch of Cain’s campaign HQ in Atlanta, GA.

UPDATE: Yes, Cain has announced that he is “suspending” his campaign, blaming the torrent of “unfounded, untrue” allegations of sexual shenanigans. Nothing to do with the fact that his gaffes and manifest lack of knowledge coupled with one of the worst-run campaigns since 2008 have seen his share of the polls plummet to single figures, it was the “bimbo eruptions”* what did it.

* To quote Jon Huntsman.

Posted by YAFB on 12/03/11 at 01:01 PM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsElection '12Our Stupid Media

This is why we can’t have nice things

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The county school system referenced in the news article excerpted below is familiar to me since it’s where I went to school back in the day and where my daughter goes to school now. It was inadequately staffed and funded in the 80s, and it is even more so now:

It was just another day at work for the principal of Durant High School. She had to write a letter to parents. She had to reassure them no harm would come to the 2,400 young Cougars. [She doesn’t mean older lady stalkers; Cougars are the school mascot.—ed.]

At issue were two words that touched off a firestorm clear across the state. Two days earlier, a school guidance counselor had announced plans for a “social justice” group at Durant. “This is in no way an activist group!” Pamela Bowden wrote in a letter that went out Thursday to parents. “We are not promoting any political ideologies.” It was, Bowden acknowledged, unfortunate phrasing.

“If you say ‘social justice’ to some of us, it means civics,” said Candy Olson, who chairs the School Board. “But to some people, it raises a red flag.” To those people, it suggests communism.

Well, you know what, Chairwoman Olson? Maybe we should introduce Mr. Dictionary to “those people.” If some yahoo decides “volleyball” means “Islamofascist terror bomb,” are we going to waste precious district time and resources disabusing the fool of that notion? Probably not, but I suppose mass psychosis requires a different strategy than individual cases of lunacy.

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Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/03/11 at 09:09 AM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsBedwettersNuttersTeabaggery

Friday, December 02, 2011

Man, I am SWIMMING in these bad boys

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By now most of you are aware of the tragedy that unfolded recently, but just to recap: A singular voice—one suffused with equal parts intelligence, humor, and pathos—has been silenced, leaving a small group of devoted fans confused and bereft. Sure, we can hope against hope that NBC means it when they say “Community” is just on indefinite hiatus, but it doesn’t look promising. Plus there’s the whole StrangeAppar8us situation, which sucks too.

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 12/02/11 at 05:22 PM
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Categories: Rumproast Related

Context, Context, Context [Updated X2]

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That there above is the logo heading Women For Herman Cain, a new site set up by Herman Cain’s campaign to address his inexplicably poor showing among female voters. I look forward to their next site, “Turkeys For Christmas.”

As numerous people have noticed, the pic is a Shutterstock standard, used by, among others, the still-gestating Au Pair Tracker (which could end up being a nanny-hiring site or a haven for stalkers, depending, I guess, on the market research results) and South Africa’s Huletts Sugar.

The site—which proclaims “Gloria Cain is the National Chairperson for ‘Women for Cain’ and is the very special woman who Mr. Cain devoted his life to many years ago”—features 35 testimonials reputedly from a smorgasbord variety of women. They’re worth the read. There’s a small prize if you can figure out a common denominator among them.

Meanwhile, Cain himself is reported to be heading home for a “kitchen summit.” I don’t know Mrs. Cain, but if I were Herman, I’d hide the knives, rolling pin, and garlic crusher before starting in.

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Posted by YAFB on 12/02/11 at 01:11 PM
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