Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Florida, Newt Has A Problem YES IT’S A KIND OF LIVEBLOG

Well, it wasn’t failure to launch, because Newt’s launched everything he can. Watch and wait with us, if you can bear the suspense. As usual, TPM has the goods, with their delightful interactive map.

Ooooh, I’m just on tenterhooks, aren’t you?

Update: Know what’s fun? Comparing the results with Betty’s map. So far, two might-as-well-be-Alabama counties are going for Newt, as per her prediction.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/31/12 at 06:50 PM

Categories: ImagesNewsPoliticsElection '12MittensNuttersTeabaggery


Michael Gerson

Max from The Lost Boys

Eerie, right? A simple rule of thumb for telling them apart: one is a soulless bloodsucker whose nebbishy exterior belies his mission to spread evil, pestilence, and death; the other one’s Michael Gerson, and he’s also pretty terrible.

Here’s the newest volley from Radio RWaPo (“It’s not hate speech when white men wearing neckties say it”), and just in time! No use fomenting resentment and distrust among the populace after the election.

Serving the poor and healing the sick are regarded as secular pursuits — a determination that would have surprised Christianity’s founder.

See, this is why Gerson’s on the op-ed page and the rest of you schmucks are slaving away in the “On Faith” section. A lesser propagandist would’ve claimed explicitly that Jesus invented altruism and that non-Christians can be charitable only in the sense that dogs can stand on their hind legs, but Gerson knows how to imply it.

Hmm. Blockquoting isn’t terribly satisfying for some reason, maybe because it ignores Gerson’s long history in Washington power circles, and that context seems relevant. I’ve got a better idea, lemme try something:

“Both radicalism and maliciousness are at work in Obama’s decision — an edict delivered with a sneer,” wrote the former chief speechwriter for George W. Bush.

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/31/12 at 04:41 PM

Categories: PoliticsBushCoEditorialsElection '12Our Stupid MediaWar In ErrorRelijun

Gov. Jan Brewer: Passive-aggressive Moneygrubbing Liar

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer has issues, of that there is no doubt. The fact that they go beyond the political will come as no surprise. Let’s compare the billet doux she presented to President Obama during that infamous Tantrum on the Tarmac last week (the text of Brewer’s letter is in bold below), in the light of the appeal now published on her PAC’s website (in italics), and no doubt landing with a needy squelch in inboxes around AZ.

Welcome to Arizona!

When I met President Obama this week, I really wasn’t pointing at him. I was telling him, “You have ONE more year!” The President needs to be reminded that he is the President of the FEDERAL REPUBLIC and not a KING lording over state governors.

You’ve arrived in a state at the forefront of America’s recovery—and her future. We were at the brink. We were at the bottom of the list in job creation. Today, we have a balanced budget and we’re in the top 10 for job creation.

I’m proud of that hard-won recovery—the result of many tough decisions, courage and perseverance.

While I wanted to talk to him about jobs, our economy and visiting our border, President Obama criticized my book, Scorpions for Breakfast, and then walked away from me.

My hope is while you are here you will have a chance to see our tremendous results first hand.

We both love this great country, but we fundamentally disagree on how to best make America grow & prosper once again. I’d love an opportunity to share with you how we’ve been able to turn Arizona around with hard choices that turned out to be the right ones.

We deserve results over rhetoric, ...

And, of course, my offer to visit the border—and buy lunch—still stands!

... but this is a President who had the audacity to sue me and Arizona in my efforts to protect our country from illegal immigration!

With respect,

Donate today to Jan PAC and help me stop President Obama in 2012 and others like him who are taking our country down the wrong path.

Click Here to donate!



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Posted by YAFB on 01/31/12 at 12:22 PM

Hoot for Newt!


Posted by Admin on 01/31/12 at 08:47 AM

Categories: Knee SlappersMusicMusic VideosPoliticsElection '12NuttersYouTubidity



Well played, Mr. Axelrod.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/31/12 at 06:53 AM

Categories: CrittersPoliticsBarack ObamaElection '12Mittens

Monday, January 30, 2012

The Blare Gingrich Project

Via the Atlantic, What Half-Been is running into a Wall of Opposition from unhappy Teahadist supporters seemingly unmoved by her ghosted scrivelings, right on her own own FB page? The disrespect! And look how she was treated on upstart FOX pundint Jeanine Pirro’s show:

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Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/30/12 at 07:04 PM

Categories: ImagesPoliticsElection '12NuttersSarah PalinTeabaggery

The Wrong Stuff

You can always count on My First Newspaper for a good human-interest story, and by “human” I mean you can learn a lot about what makes people tick by viewing them through the prism of animal companionship, and by “interest” I mean like in a Chinese curse.

So now there’s going to be a TV series about pet taxidermy, because of course there is, and I’ll tell ya, I’m not all that comfortable with a reality show exploiting a teenager who thinks she’s a better singer than she actually is, much less someone like this:

Brittany had been with Kaufman, 64, when she lost her son, Billy Giger, who died in 1998 and her husband, Howard Sims, in 2004. Letting go when the dog’s time came was going to be hard.

Sounds like her current state of mind’s a few RDAs short of healthy, right? But hey, on the other hand, furniture won’t scratch the furniture, and a stool won’t… okay, I can’t even joke about this.

His basic price is $725 for any pet up to 10 pounds plus $49 for every pound over that.

Imagine how many living animals you could care for with that kind of money! That’s… uh… well, all that’d buy you is a couple cat spays and some flea preventative. Never mind, that’s not the salient point anyway; these people are obviously sick—not sick sick, but clearly grief-stricken to an extent that’s landed them squarely in mental-illnessville. They need help, not a quadrupedal doorstop. Imagine how much therapy you could buy with that kind of… a psychiatrist visit costs what?!

Hmm. Hold on one sec while I do a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation here… (jot jot jot) carry the one… divided by pain... well I’ll be damned, looks like it is I who’s been barking up the wrong tree here.

Parker! C’mere buddy, we gotta talk about how I’m going to cope with your inevitable passing. I’ve been reading about this freeze-drying process, and I think it might be just the answer to…

Hey, you’re not Parker, you’re an iguana or something. How’d you get in here, little lizard dude?


Lemme just get my shoes on and I’ll set you free outside. Then I can get back to discussing end-of-life issues with my d… WAIT A MINUTE.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/30/12 at 05:28 PM

Categories: CrittersMessylaneousTelevision

Jan Brewer, Seller Of Tails, Plus, WE HAVE A WINNER

Now no fingerpointing! It’s not as if the Governor is the first Arizona Tealoon to turn a tidy profit on her untidy relationship with the truth. So the Governor has managed to massage her encounter with the President into sales: “Scorpions for Breakfast,” her hilarious political fabulation-a-clef,  has zoomed on Amazon from 343,222 to 7. (Thanks TPM) Shall we deny an author the fruits of the sweat of her tongue?

But now to the news I know Roastafarians have been on tenterhooks waiting for: the winner of the Kaption This Kaptious Kook Contest and the valuable, one-of-a-kind Jan Brewer Souvenir Hospitality Bottle Cap:

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Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/30/12 at 01:24 PM

Categories: BoozeImagesKnee SlappersPoliticsBarack ObamaNuttersTeabaggerySkull Hampers

Operation Guess Who

Hey, whatcha havin’ for breakfast? Ooh, an omelette, sounds delish. I’ve heard that making one of those requires certain sacrifices that could be considered controversial, so count yourself lucky that chickens haven’t established a religious organization that wields political sway out of accordance with its role in a pluralistic society, else you’d have to settle for a bowl of Chex.

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/30/12 at 09:26 AM

Categories: NewsPoliticsEditorialsHealth CareOur Stupid MediaRelijun

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Headline/Image Juxtaposition: a Lazy Joke for a Lazy Sunday

Oh anti-gay activists, is there anything you can’t make intensely homoerotic? From Raw Story, which sounds super-gay all of a sudden, comes (ha) this far-out (hee hee) claim from the head (oh ho ho) of conservative Christian organization the Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy the Family Research Council, which takes the official position that the hate better be the only thing swelling in you now:

Tony Perkins: Star Wars ‘surrenders to gay empire’

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/29/12 at 05:55 PM

Categories: Geek SpeakImagesLGBTRelijun

A Whodunit in Florida


U.S. Rep. Allen West of Florida rivals even Rep. Joe Walsh, R-Deadbeat Dad, in personal and political assholery. Having been booted out of the Army for a harsh interrogation incident in Iraq, West went on to win a House seat during the 2010 election.

Since then, he has consistently hit every wingnut pleasure center, comparing Democrats to Joseph Goebbels, styling himself a modern-day Harriet Tubman sent to lead African Americans off the liberal plantation and accusing President Obama of playing the race card while speculating that a prospective Democratic opponent “likes running against black guys.” Here’s Rep. West, R-Plantation (honest to god!), last night telling President Obama, Nancy Smash, et al, to “get the hell out of the United States of America.”

The teahadists eat that sort of thing up with a spoon, naturally. But the Florida GOP, which has a supermajority in the state legislature and is headed up by GOP Governor Rick “Voldemort” Scott, has undertaken a project to redraw the state’s districts—after being compelled to do so by votes on a ballot initiative in 2010. And it looks like Mr. West might be headed south.

Who would rob the nation of such a fiery demagogue? Wingnuts can’t pin this one on the Dems, who are pretty much powerless in Florida. But Colonel Mustard has a clue:

One of the rising stars of the Tea Party is about to be sacrificed by the Republican establishment in Florida, led by someone spinning for Mitt Romney.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

It was Will Weatherford in the Conservatory with a wrench! Well, the truth is, West was in some trouble with voters anyway. I don’t live in his district, but from what I understand, voting in a certified loon like West was something of an aberration for that area, and it’s possible they find West’s constant grandstanding a bit embarrassing.

Also, the state GOP had to be prepared to shed a few seats while still stacking the deck in their own favor. So, tough luck, West. The extent to which this develops into a Tea Party-Establishment flap is just warm, rich, savory gravy.

[X-POSTED at Balloon Juice]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/29/12 at 02:19 PM

Categories: NewsPoliticsBarack ObamaBedwettersElection '10Election '12NuttersTeabaggery

We don’t serve your kind here…


[I think there’s a clause in my Balloon Juice contract about pet photos. This one depicts my dog Patsy, who harbors ambitions to become a biped. She loves to belly up to our backyard tiki bar.

You can see the whites of her eyes because she’s scanning the surface of the bar for pretzels without turning her head far enough to lose her balance. Sadly, there were no pretzels. We now return to our regularly scheduled post, already in progress.]

I have a 13-year-old daughter, which is why I don’t scare easily. She can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but she’s a good person in all the important ways. I’m proud of her and also relieved that I’ve thus far avoided the massive karmic blowback my own mother is gleefully awaiting in compensation for the gigantic pain in the ass I gave her. (Knock wood—and yes, I know, I know: Give her time!)

Anyhoo, as many teens do, Young Miss Cracker seeks to assert her originality by emulating the fashion sense and hairstyles of celebrities. This month, it appears to be Rooney Mara in the title role of the film Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Of course, Young Miss has never actually seen that film, and I draw the line at allowing her to get real tattoos or piercings or to wear clothing emblazoned with the word “fuck.”

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Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/29/12 at 09:29 AM

Categories: CrittersMessylaneous

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Santorum: Sheepskin>Sheeple

You know it. I know it. And Rick Santorum knows it: the ivy-covered walls of academe are lousy with Obama’s minions, all busily installing Saulinsky chips in the soft malleable brains of the Young. The propensity of these institutions to publish scholarship clearly controverting the received wisdom of the Only Textbook That Counts.  This Liberal-tainted “scholarship” only proves their allegiance to Obama and Lucifer the Lightbringer, which is why we must dismiss it and stick to the wisdom of the bravely Judeo-Christian experts who have set up a parallel world of unaccredited universities and peerless (as in non-peer-reviewed) research.
        Jeebus U

Hail Hail Jeebus U.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/28/12 at 06:29 PM

Categories: ImagesPoliticsBedwettersNuttersTeabaggeryRelijunSkull Hampers

Lies and the lying liars, etc.



Sarah Palin took to Facebook last night to express shock that fellow Republicans are using dirty tricks on one another in the campaign:

We have witnessed something very disturbing this week. The Republican establishment which fought Ronald Reagan in the 1970s and which continues to fight the grassroots Tea Party movement today has adopted the tactics of the left in using the media and the politics of personal destruction to attack an opponent.
We will look back on this week and realize that something changed… I am in favor of contested primaries and healthy, pointed debate. They help focus candidates and the electorate. I have fought in tough and heated contested primaries myself. But what we have seen in Florida this week is beyond the pale. It was unprecedented in GOP primaries. I’ve seen it before – heck, I lived it before – but not in a GOP primary race.

Well, she might want to ask her former running mate about that. But of course she knows about it—McCain hired the same damn people to train Palin to serve as his lip-sticked pit bull in 2008. She goes on:

I question whether the GOP establishment would ever employ the same harsh tactics they used on Newt against Obama. I didn’t see it in 2008. Many of these same characters sat on their thumbs in ‘08 and let Obama escape unvetted.

Hahaha! Yeah, no one encouraged hordes of deluded, racist nitwits to claim Barack Obama was the Kenyan-born, communist, granny-unplugging love child of Bernadette Dorn and Malcolm X, Mrs. Death Panels Lady. Jeebus, these people are beyond shameless.

[X-POSTED at Balloon Juice]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/28/12 at 07:45 AM

Categories: PoliticsBarack ObamaElection '08Election '12NuttersSarah PalinTeabaggery

Friday, January 27, 2012

You Gringos Just Don’t Understand

Willard Romney (seen here in his triumphant Florida face-off with Newt Gingrich) came up the hard way~~Papacito was born in Mexico, for Moroni’s sake, and left young Willard nothing, nothing save his good name. Well, the given name Willard lies about, anyway. But let’s not scoff at the scope of Willard’s achievement: his propensity for lying was something Willard had to develop all on his own. Jobs, ads,healthcare, there is no lie too big~~grandiose, if you will~~nor too small for Willard.

But we dast not judge this child of La Raza too harshly; after all, he is probably a little light-headed, paying 50% taxes as he does.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/27/12 at 09:54 PM

Categories: PoliticsElection '12MittensSkull Hampers

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