Monday, January 23, 2012

Reconstitute This: GOP Debate Liveblog, Florida Edition

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Watch the whole spectacle streaming here. The little lumpy avaricious “historian” against the hiccuping Animatronic, dogwhistles at fifteen paces, plus extra-Birther-friendly Ricky Santorum and the little doctor as Inspector Javert.

May Dog have mercy on us all.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/23/12 at 08:57 PM
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Categories: ImagesPoliticsElection '12MittensTelevision

DUNK DUNK!! Special Hickdom Unit


Whoa Nellie! Droopy-eyed bit player and former savior of the GOP Fred Thompson is ready to lay his leathern hand in benediction on one of the survivors of tonight’s steel-cage, charnel-house four-way grudge match (which will of course be live-blogged, either under a spandy-new image, or here, if Mrs. Polly doesn’t get back from her errands in time to put up a new one and no one else is arsed, as they say, to bother). Who will get the Thompson nod, not to be confused with Thompson on the nod? Oh breathless me!

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/23/12 at 06:30 PM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '12Skull HampersTelevision

Rand Bargain

Above: an impassioned, well-reasoned plea on behalf of bodily integrity, but not the skanky kind


(RRNN)—Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul and recurring Kids in the Hall character Kevin McDonald was born to play, was detained by the TSA this morning after setting off a full-body scanner and subsequently refusing a pat-down. Guess where he was going at the time! Go on, take a stab.

Yeah, of course it was a March for Life rally, I should’ve made that one harder, huh?

So to clarify, a little over-the-pants groping: Demeaning and invasive. Federal intrusion into a woman’s decision-making vis-a-vis her reproductive system: Not only acceptable but necessary. I had a high school girlfriend whose Irish Catholic mother espoused roughly the same philosophy, but that’s neither here nor there.

Before things get too heated around the issue, I propose a solution in the spirit of exemptions to anti-abortion statutes: Rand Paul should never have to submit to pat-downs by family members or convicted sex offenders. In all other circumstances, I’m sure Agent McFeely will do his best to give you a “speedy delivery” through the line, Senator!

I can’t imagine why you don’t come to me with all your problems, America. I am Mr. Sensible Compromise over here.

Follow me on Baby-Spwitter


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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/23/12 at 04:39 PM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsNuttersWar In Error

Florida, Florida, Florida

The Romney PACs bought up scads of TV time here in Florida during the playoff games yesterday to let GOP primary voters know what a scuzzbucket Gingrich is. They had an interesting spin: that the president is behind the Gingrich surge and that Newt is pals with Nancy Pelosi, Al Gore and Freddie Mac.

Will it work? I have no idea. A year ago, I would have said Gingrich had a lock on it since it’s a closed primary and the state’s GOP voters were dumb and crazy enough to nominate and elect obvious crook Rick Scott on a “reform” ticket. But with Scott’s approval ratings now in chlamydia territory, maybe they’ve learned their lesson? Hahahaha, of course not! Anyway, here’s an electoral map:

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I’m thinking Gingrich will take the “MIGHT AS WELL BE ALABAMA” territory. It looks big, but much of it is sparsely populated. Romney will likely take “WINTER HOME OF THE 1%” territory, because the folks there identify with the paltry $375K speaking fees and believe a 15% tax rate on hardworking investments is just.

The “PURPLE RAIN” territory is up for grabs. It comprises Midwestern and Northeastern retirees (Villages of the Darned) who seem susceptible to Romney’s comforting Daddy Warbucks mien, but that is balanced by hardcore Teahadists who might break for Gingrich and working folks who think all the choices suck. I’m giving a slight edge to Romney here. 

As for the “FUCK FIDEL” territory, if I were an advisor to Gingrich or Romney, I’d tell them to focus their efforts in Miami Dade, making the rounds of Cuban exile-oriented talk radio shows to blast the frail, retired octogenarian Fidel Castro and suck up to Marco Rubio. My feeling is that’s their best bet to move the needle here.

[X-POSTED at Balloon Juice]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/23/12 at 08:01 AM
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Categories: PoliticsBarack ObamaElection '12MittensNuttersTeabaggeryOur Stupid Media

Sunday, January 22, 2012

A SOPA With a Deadly PIPA

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Pardon me, ladies, but I was wondering if you could help me out—in terms of “fair use,” what am I supposed to do with the envelope, exactly? Strain against it? Rage at it? Please advise.


In honor of this past week’s rare (and probably temporary, but aren’t they all?) victory for the good relatively-speaking guys, I’m celebrating by stealing intellectual property from Balloon Juice. Ripped a really cool image, wanna see it? C’mon, check it out, that way you’re complici—uh, in on a secret!

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/22/12 at 11:08 PM
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In Which We Attempt To Enjoy The American Pastime

Pig Tossers, How We Love Them

Here is that open football thread we have been clamoring for! The Pollys are ensconced before their 19” Panasonic, enthralled before yet another angelic-wife-drowned-by-husband story on “Dateline,” as Mr. Polly informs me that the Giants are losing, and a proper fan never watches his team lose. (Mr. P is a Yankee fan, so his behavior may be recognizeable.)

I tried to learn to enjoy football once, by reading “Football For Dummies,” and after ten pages of picayune rules about measurements, I realized I hated football more than when I started, but I can appreciate a good catch replayed in slo-mo. Meanwhile, Stone Phillip’s jaw is jutting so far forward it just may break the screen.

So are any great plays being made or anything? It’s not like I’m going to know.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/22/12 at 06:59 PM
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Categories: ImagesSportsSunday SelectorTelevision

Sunday Afternoon Flashback: Nancy and Newt Sitting in a Tree ...

Dateline 2008

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Posted by YAFB on 01/22/12 at 02:55 PM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '12NuttersTeabaggerySkull HampersYouTubidity

Facepalmetto State: We are all Gingrichians now (for the next week or so at least)

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Did the earth move for you last night? To read the pundits this morning, when our bleary eyes crested the pillow we’d been biting through the dark hours before dawn, a new era greeted them, the like of which has never before been witnessed.

The base is revolting because they swept the GOP back into relevance in Washington just under two years ago and they have been thanked with contempt ever since.
(Asshole Assholeson)

The unstoppable force that is Newt Gingrich and the immovable object that is Mitt Romney are headed for a collision in Florida.
(Politico)

A more sober observer, the Atlantic’s Robert Wright, asks:

How did Newt do it? How did a candidate who seemed near death only a week ago rise up to win in South Carolina? He did it the way he always does it: By playing the hate card.

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Posted by YAFB on 01/22/12 at 11:58 AM
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Wake up from that backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards, Chief

This brew burns better… look!

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/22/12 at 09:09 AM
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Categories: Messylaneous

Saturday, January 21, 2012

GRITCHMENTUM!!

         Glass-Mandible Act

At a minute past the closing of the South Carolina polls, your ace Rumproast Primary coverage team, consisting of Mrs. Polly, her modem, and a 1998 Panasonic (19”, don’t envy!) entirely are certain that MSNBC has forecast the winner: NOT MITT!

The dropsical Speaker is experiencing a surge that may last more than four hours. So much for solid family values in the Palm State~~oh, it’s Palmetto? Dear dear! My mistake.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/21/12 at 07:15 PM
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Categories: ImagesKnee SlappersPoliticsElection '12MittensNuttersTeabaggerySkull Hampers

- - - - - - - - PHASE ONE COMPLETE

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- - - - - - - - - - - - ACQUIRING NEW TARGETS
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE POWER
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE WOMEN
- - - - - - STAND BY FOR TRANSMISSION OF COORDINATES

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/21/12 at 03:14 PM
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Categories: Critters

Yes We Can-Can

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Charles Krauthammer is mad enough to stomp bunnies, a man consumed with the type of bitterness that can only come from being thwarted by putative allies when a cherished goal is in sight. Things were going so well. With an assist from elderly social conservatives in patriot drag,* the GOP had successfully rebranded the economic free fall and debt juggernaut Bush bequeathed to the American people as the consequence of Obama’s “reckless spending, new entitlements and oppressive regulation with higher taxes.”

The GOP’s electoral victories in 2010 put conservative fantasies about tossing old ladies and elderly gents into the maw of the private insurance industry and slashing social programs that serve the poor like Freddy Krueger on a meth binge tantalizingly within reach. And then Gingrich and Perry had to go and fuck everything up.

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Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/21/12 at 09:55 AM
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Friday, January 20, 2012

Todd Future

(opening credits: a static photo of Chuck Todd’s head atop a tiny cartoon body skydives into the studio, landing just out of frame—when he stands up it’s the real Chuck Todd)

Hey DC dudes and beltway babes, welcome to Chuck’d! I’m your host Chuck Todd, faithful lackey of the ruling class TO THE XTREME. On today’s show I take on Stephen Colbert and give that little rabblerouser the what for! (pantomimes guitar solo) He says he’s a satirist, but I’d say he’s more like Jonathan Not So Swift, am I right? (high fives man in front row) Or maybe Won’t Rogers, BAM. (high-fives woman is aisle seat) All I know is, (applies hand sanitizer) never the Twain shall meet!  Okay, folks, got a great show today, my band is in the house—give it up for LIXPITL. (makes devil horns)

After these messages from our sponsors for goods and services that I am ALL ABOUT, DAWG, (dollar-sign wipe to reaction shot of mascot Bobo the Cocktail Wienerdog) we’ll be right back with more Chuck’d! We’ve taken the truth… and Chuck’d it!

(band launches into Iron Maiden’s “Powerslave,” cut to commercial)

h/t Michael Bérubé, maybe? Had to search high and low for an embeddable clip and when I finally found one, there he was, right on the channel page there. So Professor, if you had anything to do with me being able to get my hands on this, have a hat tip! Just the tip, though.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/20/12 at 04:03 PM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsElection '12Our Stupid MediaTelevision

Hunka Hunka Hurlin’ Lunch

‘Bout noon here on the East Coast, time to grab a little somethin’ t’ eat. Mm-MM I’m famished. Thinkin’ ‘bout a vegan chicken-salad sandwich with lightly salted potato chips. No, not as a side, I got some cabbage soup for that, I’m talkin’ on the sandwich! Gives it snap! And zip!

You’re probably not into veganism, what you’re having no doubt paints a more delectable word-picture—anybody out there’s got a doozy of a lunch planned, feel free to make us all so jealous in comments!

FOOD glo-ri-ous food... oh, sorry, my voice isn’t the kind of soothing music that goes with a meal. You probably want to be left alone to eat now, so I’m gonna take off, but just, real quick? Got somethin’ I wanted to mention, won’t take long.

(leans in)

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/20/12 at 11:55 AM
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Categories: FoodImages

WaPo’s “Fact Checker” Glenn Kessler: Slippery and Illiterate

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When you set yourself up as a self-described “fact checker,” you’d better have your ducks in a row. We here at Rumproast, among a number of others, have had cause to point and laugh at Glenn “Gepetto” Kessler’s “fact checking” efforts at the Washington Post before now.

A notable example was when Kessler judged President Obama’s claim that “We said working folks deserved a break, so within one month of me taking office, we signed into law the biggest middle-class tax cut in history, putting more money into your pockets” false by the simple expedient of asking whoever was hanging around the WaPo offices that day what they thought “biggest” meant:

We took an informal survey in our office and asked people what they thought the president’s statement meant. Everyone agreed he was claiming the biggest tax cut in terms of dollars.

After a bunch of fancy-dancy semantic shuffling, Kessler dealt from the bottom of the deck:

“The point the president was making [is] that is there is not a tax cut that has been enjoyed by such a broad section of the population,” an administration official said, pointing to a report that said that 95 percent of working families received some kind of tax cut under the Making Work Pay provision in his stimulus bill. ...

In other words, this isn’t about the size of the tax cut, but about the fact that every working family, except those making more than $190,000, received as much as $800 in tax cuts.

That strikes us as very odd way to claim “the biggest,” but maybe that’s because Obama can’t make that claim. We ran the numbers every which way, but the fairest over time is to look at the tax cut as a percentage of national income (Gross Domestic Product minus depreciation.)

Ding! Goalposts successfully moved. Four Pinnochios.

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Posted by YAFB on 01/20/12 at 07:08 AM
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