Wednesday, February 29, 2012

It’s Nice to Have Been with You

Post title runner-ups: Love is Only Sleeping, Pillow Time, Hopefully the Family Won’t Opt for a Flat Grave Marker or There’ll be No End to the Steppin’ Stone Jokes

I don’t care what Binkley says, I’ve always loved these guys. And not ironically—just because something’s defining quality is innocence doesn’t mean it has to be a guilty pleasure.

RIP,  the cute one. Just think, if this were 2011 or 2013 he’d be fine. DAMN YOU LEAP YEAR

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/29/12 at 08:11 PM
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Making a Living Robbing Fools

Soul Brother #1,376,782 Gil Mann here, with a little something to cap off Rumproast’s celebration of Black History Month. We did that, right? We didn’t? Then how come I kept seeing pictures of Malcolm X on the front pa… it was? Y’know, I thought it was weird that he switched to contacts, thanks for clearing that up.


KKKanada’s Most Wingnutted
a play in, like, a quarter of an act

Hey, Seth Rogen, how you doin’, man? You seem kinda down in the mouth, not your usual bouncy self. You’re not still bummed out about Paul, are you? C’mon, it’s gonna find its audience on DVD, plus that cancer movie you did was huge with critics, I don’t think you need to worry abou… oh, I’m terribly sorry, you’re Mark Steyn! That explains the hateful vibe radiating off you in waves. So what’ve you been up to lately?

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Ooh, wrote another book, didja? Good for you! And a New York Times bestseller at that, looks like you’re doin’ alright for yourself. Um… gotta ask though… you listen to hip-hop at all, Mark? I know you’re a big music fan.

Confronted with “Fuck the Police” by Niggaz With Attitude…

Well, not necessarily that song, but sure, okay. Not one of your faves?

Mercer would barely have registered the content, but he would have raised an amused eyebrow at the attempted rhyme of “product” and “narcotics” and, more than that, would have been astounded at how the words are not, in any way, musical words shaped to the notes or intervals.

I guess you’re more of an American Songbook guy. I only ask about hip-hop because…

Forget all those bogus generalizations about “energy” and “drive”; musically, Ice Cube’s “The Nigga Ya Love to Hate” isn’t a patch on “When My Sugar Walks Down the Street,” never mind “All the Things You Are.”

Wow, you really don’t like Cube, huh? First his band NWA, now…

If Ice Cube wasn’t rappin’ about terminating an unwanted pregnancy by booting his woman in the belly, none of us would be the slightest bit interested. And even then, we’re not that interested. This is one “authentic black experience” that doesn’t travel beyond the ghetto.

Okay, you’re startin’ to weird me out a little. It’s just funny that you’re so hung up on Ice Cube because, and I don’t mean to cast aspersions, but… well, look, why don’t I just give you this CD. You can have it, I’ve got all the good tracks on mp3 anyway.

Dude, what’re you… why are you waving a bacon strip in my face? And don’t… hey! Not cool siccing your dog on somebody, Steyn, not cool at all. Uh… even if he is perfectly friendly. Hey buddy! Who’s a good boy?

Hold on, do you think I’m Muslim or something? Is that what this is abou… aaaand now you’re drawing a cartoon of Mohammed. Okay, I’m outta here, enjoy the CD.

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/29/12 at 11:42 AM
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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Mishigas Primary Results Thread

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Aw shit, it’s on now! And it’s ready to face off against Santorum!

TONIGHT: integration of church and state versus integrated circuitry in the form of Lurch with a well-coiffed pate! Here’s a place for you to root your candidate on, provide updates, whatever. Me, I’ve gotta head down to the ER and find out what that popping sound was when I wrote that first sentence, I think I overtaxed my wordplay lobe.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/28/12 at 08:59 PM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsElection '12

Strains Credibility, Soup

Whenever the culture wars take center stage, I start seeing closet cases under every bed (in those storage bins that slide out, so they’re still in something closetlike). It just wraps a moral scold’s whole deal up in a nice little package, y’know? But that’s too reductionist, and it’s not like there’s anything inherently wrong with being a big huge queen, and yet some images won’t be denied their due, so with my apologies to Michael Medved and his, I’m sure, more than satisfied wife, here he is trying to resist going to town on an ersatz cock.

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Sorry, had to get that out of the way. Okay, so his review of the Oscars is here, and long story short, he did not like that dog-licking-its-balls joke, not one bit, mister, but he found the night overall heartening for conservatives. Because they’re Francophiles, ‘member? Anyway, he’s apparently never heard an acceptance speech before, he thinks thanking your spouse along with the cast and crew is a) rare and b) like voting for Prop 8.

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/28/12 at 02:56 PM
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Categories: MessylaneousMoviesPoliticsOur Stupid Media

Hair, no. Pants, yes.

Of course, we know that Romney would strap all five sons to the top of his campaign bus and run them through the carwash when the resulting terror-induced diarrhea streamed down the back window if there were a few votes in it, so this is a lie:

It’s very easy to excite the base with incendiary comments. We’ve seen throughout the campaign if you’re willing to say really outrageous things that are accusative, attacking of President Obama, that you’re going to jump up in the polls. I’m not willing to light my hair on fire to try and get support. I am who I am. I’m a person with extensive experience in the private sector, in the economy.

Even if his internal polling tells Romney that Michigan is in the bag, isn’t it kinda stupid to dis the base on Michigan’s election day like that, especially with Super Tuesday looming? All the Bobo paeans in the world will mean little if Little Ricky wrests Romney’s nomination out from under him.

[H/T: TPM; X-POSTED at Balloon Juice]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/28/12 at 11:06 AM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '12Mittens

Alternate Uses for Unused Exercise Equipment (Open Thread)

Unused jogging trampolines make comfortable dog beds:

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Discuss! (Anything.)

Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/28/12 at 07:43 AM
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Categories: Critters

Monday, February 27, 2012

I don’t like Mondays

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There was a school shooting in Ohio today. One seventeen-year-old kid is dead. Four students are in the hospital with gunshot wounds. One kid is in custody for the shooting. And about 1,100 more Americans now know that sick feeling of being trapped in a building with an armed crazy person bent on murder. That’s just the kids who were at the school. I’m not even talking about the helpless, nauseated feeling their parents must have endured.

I know a little something about how the uninjured kids at that school felt today. Many years ago, an angry nut case walked into an office building where I was working and opened fire, killing three and wounding two more. I know what it’s like to hunker down in your “safe place,” the minutes crawling by while police conduct a room-to-room search for a madman. You whisper nervously with your scared-shitless colleagues about who is missing, who might be dead.  You contemplate pissing in a trashcan because you’re afraid to leave the locked room you’re in. You watch that locked door with your heart in your throat, hoping you don’t see the handle turning or, worse yet, bullets flying through the flimsy wooden barrier.

And you know what? That kind of experience is just not so rare anymore. I bet at least a couple of you could recount similar incidents.

Tonight on the news, the usual talking heads will say the usual things, but there will be less coverage about the shooting in Ohio today since the body count must be in the double digits now to dominate a news cycle. The usual assholes will make the usual boneheaded argument about arming teachers, and the truly, deeply stupid may even suggest arming students. And we’ll forget until the next time, even those who have been there and seen that.

But the kids who were at that school today won’t forget, not for awhile anyway. I used to get angry about it. I used to wonder what kind of national psychosis could lead us to believe it’s perfectly okay to be ass-deep in unsecured weaponry and tolerate gun homicide rates that are 15-20 times higher than those of the rest of the so-called civilized world.

Oh sure, every now and then some European dude goes off his nut and commits mass murder. Pam Geller’s Norwegian fan-boy, Anders Behring Breivik, pulled off mass murder on a scale that no-doubt made our homegrown white supremacists pea-green with envy (with a little assist from US ammo clip mail order outfits).

But I don’t get angry about it anymore. Gun don’t kill people; assholes with guns kill people. The NRA won a long time ago, and this is just how it has to be. So welcome to the club, kids. It’s not so exclusive anymore.

[X-POSTED at Balloon Juice]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/27/12 at 06:56 PM
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Categories: NewsPoliticsOur Stupid Media

Mein Voight-Kampff

In the vast underground facilities of Rossum’s Universal Republicans, candidate unit Moneyed Imbecile Three Thousand is having its responses tested

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How do you feel about being hooked up to these diagnostic devices?

I wish you’d let me attach the electrodes myself. I like being able to wire people.

You’re in a desert walking along when you look down, and you see a tortoise, she’s crawling toward you. You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on her back. The tortoise lays there, her belly baking in the hot sun, beating her legs trying to turn herself over, but you’re not helping the poor thing. Why is that, MITT?

I’m not concerned about poor things.

But she’s helpless, lying there upside-down.

Her position is not terribly relevant to my campaign.

You are given a calfskin wallet for your birthday…

Ooh, I can use that for my wager fund.

You’re watching television. Suddenly you realize there’s a wasp crawling on your arm.

I’m not going to sit here and listen to these ethnic slurs.

You’re watching a stage play. A banquet is in progress. The entree consists of boiled dog.

Oh for gosh sakes, so we drove through Tucson on a family outing. Seamus was fine.

Do you watch NASCAR?

Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners.

RUR technician’s note: OOT (Out Of Touch) glitch not yet resolved, further calibration needed. IOW more Philip K., less Dick

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/27/12 at 08:05 AM
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Categories: Geek SpeakPoliticsElection '12Mittens

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Nightcap: Bedwetting—A Case Study

Remember that atrocious “rap” video from CPAC I posted a couple of weeks ago? The one with Dana Loesch’s hubby and Fox “comedian” Steve Crowder cavorting around in wigs as their captive audience made out like the worst Mexican wave you’ve ever seen? Yeah, that one. You’d probably tried to obliterate it from memory with the aid of whatever drugs you could lay your hands on. I know I did.

I wouldn’t bring it up again now, but I was just browsing through some of the RW blogs to see what they were up to, and found Warner Todd Huston working himself into a frenzy over at Big Journalism. Not that that’s unusual, but bear with me a moment.

Heeeeere’s Todd:

I have to say, at this point I am convinced that no one on the left really hates racism. In fact, they love it as it is their most important tool with which to control gullible voters. Cry racism and their mind-numbed acolytes dutifully echo the charge whether it is true or not — and it’s usually not. Well, they’ve done it again, cast the race card at conservatives. But this time they fell into a trap laid for them purposefully, set in order to prove their hatemongering, stupidity, cynicism, and lies.

At the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) last weekend a humorous video debuted during the TheTeaParty.net blogger awards hosted by John Hawkins of RightWingNews.com. It was a rap video created by comedian Steven Crowder and his pal Chris Loesch. They called themselves the “Powdered Zombies” and the song was meant to highlight the wrong turn this country has made and how we’ve drifted away from the founder’s ideas.

One line of the song was an obvious satire on the left’s constant cries of racism. Remembering that these rap singers were evoking the founders, the line in question goes: “But I’m back from the dead now bringing back all my knickers.” The next line confirms what the reference meant: “I’m just talking about my short pants.”

Knickers, of course, were the short pants that ended at the knee, pants that everyone knows were the stereotypical male fashion statement of the founder’s era.

Naturally the geniuses on the extreme left were unable to understand the difference between the word “knickers” and, well, the “N” word. Two of the left’s leading (low) lights on the Internet, Gawker.com and Wonkette both made the quip somehow into a clear example of conservatives being raaacist.

Wankette claimed that a black man in the room was so disgusted by the racism that he “walked out” and Gawker claimed that “they use the N word” in the video. Neither is true. How do I know? I was there! You can see the top of my gray fedora (A Stetson Whippet from the 1940s, by the way) at about 1:40 into the video. I was sitting behind the guy in the green shirt holding up the cell phone who appears often at the left lower corner of the screen and right in front of the person making the video.

The fact is there was no racism in this song. Zip, zero, nada.

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Posted by YAFB on 02/26/12 at 11:30 PM
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Sunday Evening Decompression: Cat Wants Fed

I can’t bear seeing The Donald’s physog at the top of the page any longer, so here’s a cat communicating via sign language.

Talk about anything other than golf courses and wind turbines if you want.

(Title translates as “Dinner with a cat.”)

Posted by YAFB on 02/26/12 at 07:43 PM
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Donald Trump: Bawbag Blowing in the Wind

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The Donald’s at it again. This time in Scotland.

I haven’t written much about Trump’s adventures in our Highland fastnesses before (I think the sum total of it on Rumproast is in the comments here) because the story’s quite depressing, and much more our problem than yours, though it has garnered some media coverage in America over the years.

The New Clearances

In 2007, The Donald flew in, waved his checkbook around, and set about bribing, menacing, and armtwisting his way into building a mammoth new billion-dollar “world-class” golf resort at Balmedie, near the UK’s old oil capital of Aberdeen, initially slated to include “a 450-bedroom hotel, a golf academy, 950 holiday homes, 36 golf villas and a residential development”. One of his websites trumpets:

I have been actively looking for links land in Europe for the past few years, and of course my preference was Scotland over any other country because I am half Scottish. My Mother, Mary MacLeod is from Stornoway on the Isle of Lewis. She grew up in a simple croft until she landed in Manhattan at the age of 20 and her first language was Gaelic.

When I saw this piece of land I was overwhelmed by the imposing dunes and rugged Aberdeenshire coastline. I knew that this was the perfect site for Trump International - Scotland. I have never seen such an unspoiled and dramatic sea side landscape and the location makes it perfect for our development. Our site is close to two of the world’s most famous courses and is just 15 minutes by car from Aberdeen Airport. 

The initial wrangles focused on his plans to stabilize sand dunes that comprise a Site of Special Scientific Interest that make up 40% of this coastal “unspoiled and dramatic landscape”. The dunes naturally shift with wind and tide, and form a rare environment hosting a vast range of bird and wildlife. Trump’s argument was basically that he’d stop them blowing away and tidy them up, which is surely a good thing all round.

People try to live in this area too. Trump chose to honor his mother’s memory and his Scots heritage by re-enacting the Highland Clearances on a smaller scale. This did not go unopposed, one major thorn in his side being the organization Tripping Up Trump:

The TUT campaign has been key to Donald Trump’s retreat from the use of compulsory purchase orders.

The threat of forced evictions was deliberately held over the heads of the Menie families for nearly two years. Donald Trump’s track record shows he cannot be trusted to behave reasonably towards his neighbours or act responsibly towards the environment. He has bullied and mislead from the start.

read the whole post »

Posted by YAFB on 02/26/12 at 01:41 PM
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Categories: Geek SpeakNewsPoliticsBedwettersNuttersSkull Hampers

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Lys is, Like, So Totally Trata

Okay, I’m confused. Are we really gonna trash this guy for telling us exactly what we want to hear?

I’m not sure if Sun Tzu had anything to say about right-wing doofuses whose addresses to the House of Delegates betray their regret over not following up on the better-than-expected reception they got at an open mic night in ‘86, but if he did, I’d assume it went something like “when your enemy is being told by his loved ones that he’s wrong and you’re right, chuckle politely at his flailing attempts at humor, for it may hasten his awakening.” Then he’d go back to painting his war art, unless I totally misread that book. Eh, whatever, people seem to like my “serene and inscrutable” watercolors.

Look, I don’t know if this guy’s giving us a play-by-play on his change of heart or what, I’m not even sure if the point is that his wife was turned off by the language being tossed around or by the bill itself, but to this viewer it sure as shootin’ comes across as the latter, and what’s more, the state-mandated-rape-o-sphere seems to agree. From On High, the most preposterously full-of-itself wingnut blog I’ve come across since the last time I came across one, merely links to the vid with a reminder that Albo’s a RINO, which I gather is an acronym for Read A Book Once, and it’s also a label conservatives slap on their comrades whenever they feel the need to distance themselves. BTW, here’s the author pic at FOH, caption his, not mine:

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That’s another thing I hate about the right. I have to put work into my puerile innuendo, for these guys it’s effortless.

(top post on FOH as of this writing: remember Krystal Ball, that attractive young Democratic congressional candidate in those Rudolph-dildo pictures? Apparently she’s a hypocrite for being against forced trans-V ultrasound while being for wearing something sexy to a costume party. I refuse to link to it on the principle that there’s a picture of Ball and another cute brunette in a schoolgirl outfit being naughty with each other and it’s all terribly prurient and I like to think you people are better than that, plus if you crash the server I won’t be able to see it)

Again, I can’t speak to Albo’s intent, but I consider this a data point in favor of my hypothesis: Instapundit called his wife a whore. So he might not realize his stand-up routine was about how Republicans are destroying their brand with these anti-woman measures, but that’s the nerve it touched.

As for what nerve he touched after his wife went to bed, I don’t wanna know! Unless there’s one I’ve somehow overlooked, in which case he should feel free to e-mail me at tips@gilmann.com, maybe with a scanned thumbnail sketch attached.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/25/12 at 06:48 PM
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Categories: PoliticsHealth CareYouTubidity

Saturday Morning Open Thread

The Glasgow Herald‘s ‘Diary’ feature seldom raises much of a smile from me nowadays. Yesterday was an exception:

A READER on the Edinburgh to Glasgow train noted three raucous women on board, encumbered with shopping after, presumably, a day of retail and pinot grigio therapy. Across from them a fellow traveller’s phone rang and he was heard telling the caller that yes, he knew he should have been home by then but he had to work late at the office, and no, he had not gone for a drink after work, and no, he had not gone for a drink with the new receptionist.

The demeanour of the chap on the phone, says our reader, was not helped by one of the ladies opposite, when he denied having a drink with the receptionist, shouting across: “Put that phone down and come back to bed.”

Open thread, or how do you plan to irretrievably embarrass yourself today?

Posted by YAFB on 02/25/12 at 11:05 AM
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Categories: Knee Slappers

Friday, February 24, 2012

Are You Smarter than a Red Stater? (UPDATED X3)

...or at least better at coming up with amusing speech balloons?

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Here’s mine. I made sure not to make it too funny or clever so as not to overshadow potential commenter submissions, but man, the one I was gonna go with? Hilarious, I’m still chuckling just thinking about it. You people are lucky I’m so keen on letting you shine.

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Template below the fold.

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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/24/12 at 08:03 PM
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Elementary, My Dear Jeb [Updated]

As the Republican primaries rumble on, the pivoting from “Anybody but Mitt” to “Anybody but this bunch of useless demogogic clowns” continues. Jeb Bush wades into the fray, only to be labeled “confused” by Jake Gibson of Fox News:

Jeb Bush seems a little confused by some of the rhetoric being tossed around by the GOP’s 2012 presidential frontrunners in debates and out on the campaign trail.

How so?

“I used to be a conservative ...

Uh-huh. I mean, Huh?

... and I watch these debates and I’m wondering, I don’t think I’ve changed, but it’s a little troubling sometimes when people are appealing to people’s fears and emotion rather than trying to get them to look over the horizon for a broader perspective and that’s kind of where we are,” said the former Florida Governor.

No shit, Sherlock. I think that bird flew the coop a few decades ago, Jeb.

“I think it changes when we get to the general election. I hope.”

Insensitivity to escaping avians aside, he doesn’t sound very confused to me. In fact, the bulk of the comments over at Fox News right now seem to share his befuddlement, if that’s what it is.

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Posted by YAFB on 02/24/12 at 12:31 PM
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