Monday, September 30, 2013

A Piece of Unsolicited Advice from the Constituency


Meet Rep. John Abney Culberson (R-Loon Star State) who is so tickled over the prospects of his beloved TEA Party Caucus shutting down the government that he allowed the testosterone to totally go to his head and uttered these ill-chosen words as he exited Saturday’s GOP House caucus meeting:

It’s like 9/11.  Let’s roll!

It’s not a thing, it’s NOTHING like 9/11, you ignorant chucklehead.

Now, in deference to my fellow bloggers here at RumpRoast, I won’t take up the space here that it would take to describe my feelings of abject disgust over the sheer dick-headed crass, crapitude that is embodied in that unfortunate false equivalence of real heroes with the whiny losers [both literal and figurative] throwing a prolonged tantrum in our nation’s capitol.  The only thing they might have in common with those 9/11 heroes is that they already know they are dead so they might as well destroy the whole shebang as they go down.

Suffice it to say I think Culberson is a hare-brained cracker who could only get elected in Texas.

Which brings me to my second point:  Republican sane people—WAKE UP!  These asshats are about to torpedo your party once and for all.  They represent 13% of the American electorate, the certifiable portion, but they are convinced that they represent a huge majority and they are going to take you down.

Meathead Culberson will survive, though, because he hails from a firmly gerry-rigged district.  But that is certainly not the case for all of you, as reported so well in Down With Tyranny today:

There are at least 32 Republicans who, unlike Culberson, can’t win reelection without independent voters. And, unlike Republicans, independent voters do not back this government shut down.

You folks are on that plane with Culberson.  You know who you are. You still have time to keep him away from the cockpit and put him in a straightjacket.

Oh, and Speaker Boehner? you might consider manning up at the eleventh hour and putting a clean CR to a vote.  If you do, it will pass.  The nut-jobs in your party will not be pleased,  They might even take away your gavel.  But, at least you’ll be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye, tomorrow.

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/30/13 at 09:41 AM

Categories: PoliticsBarack ObamaHealth CareNuttersTeabaggery

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Don’t Worry!  Be Happy!


As we approach the end days of the current fiscal “crisis” [Made in the USA by Proud Republicans] we are now getting to hear from a few of the lesser lights of the GOP’s Economic Brain Trust—the Jolly Cavalier Defaulters (JCD).

These are the folks who tell us that anyone suggesting global financial fallout from a US credit default is just being melodramatic.  This position might seem a tad counter-intuitive to some because why bother with all of this hostage-taking and fuss over something as inconsequential as US creditworthiness?  Let’s remember these are Republicans . . .

The first JCD to chide the overwrought was Rep. John Fleming (R-LA) who has served in the US House of Representatives for four years now and is a proud member of the TEA Party Caucus and the Republican Study Committee.

Rep. Fleming’s real-life economic expertise derives from owning his own medical practice as well as thirty-three Subway sandwich shops in northern Louisiana.  With that kind of background, I’m really surprised that House leadership hasn’t given Fleming committee assignments more aligned with his economic expertise.  Whatever.

Here’s Rep. Fleming’s expert opinion on the current debt ceiling situation, as told to the New York Times:

Economists, what have they been doing?  They make all sorts of predictions. Many times they’re wrong, so I don’t think we should run government based on economists’ predictions.

Rep. Fleming, unfortunately, did not elaborate on what basis we should run government.  I guess that’s a different sound byte we’ll just have to wait for.

read the whole post »

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/28/13 at 09:12 AM

Categories: PoliticsNuttersTeabaggery

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Green Eggs and Spam With a Side of Chumpbait


Well, the P.T. Barnum of the US Senate let his freak flag fly last night in a pre-season campaign talkathon and damage-control session.  Cruzilla had maneuvered himself into hot water with a large majority of the sane inhabitants of the Free World and had to prove that he was not just all . . . well, talk.

So it is that the Gentleman From Texas took himself off to Harry Reid and asked for permission to stage a faux-filibuster in the US Senate during off hours.  Of course, Harry’s nobody’s fool and figured if this troublemaker wants an audience while making an even greater ass of himself, well, there aren’t any Senate rules against that as long as he clears off in time for a Wednesday test-vote that should spank him good and proper.

Others have covered the details of Cruz’s overnight “program” in detail.  Suffice it to say that it included little homilies about Neville Chamberlain appeasing Nazis—a conservative staple, introduced during the first 30 minutes—the ever-inspiring story of Cruz Sr’s immigrant dish-washing days, a weird riff on White Castle, a Rand Paul walk-on, and a brief—now famous—interlude in which Ted Cruz, family man, read Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham for his daughters’ bed-time story.

Cruz may have graduated from Princeton and Harvard, but that doesn’t mean that he “gets” Green Eggs and Ham.  Cruz, of course, tied the story into Obamacare, explaining how Americans “do not like it in a box, with a fox, on a train, etc” proving to the wonderment of the pre-school set that he completely missed the point of the story which is “try it, you might like it.”

Oh well, I guess his brain is just too crammed with Ivy League stuff [and none of that “Lesser Ivy League” stuff, either.]

read the whole post »

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/25/13 at 09:43 AM

Categories: PoliticsHealth CareNuttersTeabaggery

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Cast Your Vote for Worst Hyperbolic Comparison Right Here at RUMPROAST!

image image image

In the last few days some absurdly over the top and hilarious (or disgusting depending on your point of view) comparisons have been made.  Here’s a straw poll to decide which one is the most craptastic:

1.  Aptly named Rep. Ted Yoho (R-FL) compares efforts by himself and other Republican Congresspeeps to defund Obamacare to the actions of Rosa Parks, Lech Walesa and Martin Luther King.  Because fighting to deny affordable health care for people is exactly the same as fighting to secure civil rights and freedom for other people.

2.  Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) compares the Obamacare defunders to Revolutionary War soldiers.  He admits that he’s fighting a losing battle on the defunding front but manages to massage his comparison so that a small heroic group of Revolutionaries rallied the masses who apparently were just fine with British oppression up to then.  Bonus points for re-writing history!

3.  And last but by no means least, Robert Benmosche, CEO of AIG goes all the way there and compares public anger at the large AIG bonuses paid out after the company crashed itself and most of the economy to lynchings of black people in the South.  Yes.  Actual quote:  “The uproar over bonuses “was intended to stir public anger, to get everybody out there with their pitch forks and their hangman nooses, and all that–sort of like what we did in the Deep South [decades ago]. And I think it was just as bad and just as wrong.”  I can’t even . . . well, ‘nuff said.

Cast your votes in comments but myself, I gotta go with door #3. 

Posted by marindenver on 09/24/13 at 12:20 PM

Categories: PoliticsBarack ObamaElection '14Health CareNuttersTeabaggery

Monday, September 23, 2013

Animal Rescue Bleg of a Different Kind


The picture above is of Baloo, Leo and ShereKhan, a lion,  bear and tiger all living together at the Noah’s Ark Animal Sanctuary in Locust Grove, GA and they are BFFs!!  The reason this is a “rescue” ask is that their sanctuary is having to raise money to build a higher fence to conform to new federal regulations and, since they are 501(c)(3), they don’t have bags of money laying around.  if they can’t raise the funds the shelter will have to close and the animals dispersed to smaller shelters.  So Baloo, Leo and ShereKhan would likely have to be separated which would be devastating for them as they have been together since they were cubs 12 years ago.  More about their back story here.

I have done some research on Noah’s Ark and they are a legit organization dedicated to rescuing wild animals who have been mistreated, usually by idjits who think they’d make good pets, and the staff just tries to give them a good place to live out their lives.  I know times are tough for all of us but if you can help there’s a donate button here.  Thanks!

Posted by marindenver on 09/23/13 at 07:27 PM

Categories: CrittersMessylaneous

Let Freedom From Republi-Mania Ring!


So.  The Sunday talkathon was a peculiar intervention-y affair, this week, featuring numerous TV pundits trying to talk Republicans down off the ledge.  The predominant message was “how about rejoining the rest of your fellow Homo sapiens inhabiting the real world?”  [Perhaps not the best choice of words for that gang BECAUSE . . .  homo, people!]

And we know we’re really in a pickle when FOX News has to explain what’s what to the GOP.

Evidently, Chris Wallace was chosen by the GOP to “call the shots” for their eleventh hour circular firing squad:

This has been one of the strangest weeks I’ve ever had in Washington and I say that because as soon as we listed Ted Cruz as our featured guest this week, I got unsolicited research and questions, not from Democrats but from top Republicans, to hammer Cruz.

Now that word has leaked out, the Wasilla Wombat is demanding a list of names of the “cannibals” “trashing” Ted Cruz purportedly to hand it over to some conservative death panel or other.

read the whole post »

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/23/13 at 09:38 AM

Categories: PoliticsBedwettersBqhatevwrNuttersSarah PalinTeabaggery

Saturday, September 21, 2013

All Over Lil’ Ol’ Obamacare, Too

So, I went looking for what I think is the banner thing—the symbol—the geegollysothatswhatdoneitall failure to communicate that we have here. And I came across this:

Now, that voiceover is the Once and Future Rex Ronaldus Magnus, telling all us heathens about how the Founding Fathers wouldn’t have stood for no Medicare, no way, no how. You know, the Medicare that has become so much a way of doing things in this country that the last Republican president actually expanded the pharmaceutical coverage under it and the last Republican candidate for president used a fear that President Obama might cut Medicare as one of his biggest scare lines. Medicare, the thing that some naïve Tea Folk might hope the government keeps its hand the hell off of.

After 41 attempts to defund, repeal, or otherwise fool with Obamacare, for crying in the soup, sore loser Republicans, can we please get past the Louie Gohmert fucking line of deliberate ignorance?

 photo gohmertwhat_zpsf05644ad.png

Because it is no longer 2009. This question is for Republicans in the House: You somehow got enough people into the House of Representatives to make a go of expressing your sorry-ass displeasure that the private health insurance that many people get through paying lots of money in premiums for, or otherwise work for as part of their employment package, is now extended to less-funded individuals, rather in the way Heritage designed it and Romneycare first enacted it some time ago. You never did get enough senators to repeal it, though. So what gives?

read the whole post »

Posted by Vixen Strangely on 09/21/13 at 07:19 PM

Friday, September 20, 2013

An Open Letter to the Makers of Qrunch Quinoa Burgers

Dear Makers of Qrunch Quinoa Burgers:

I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with the product heating instructions your company provides on Qrunch Quinoa Burgers packaging and to beg you to alter it immediately. I attempted to enjoy a Qrunch Quinoa Burger for lunch a short while ago, and to describe the ensuing mess as a clusterfuck would be a disservice to both clusters and fucks.

When I first retrieved my package of Qrunch Quinoa Burgers from the freezer and consulted the instructions, I was very happy to see that it was possible to heat the patties in a toaster because I dislike the texture of microwaved food and was in too much of a hurry to use a skillet:


It never occurred to me that the photo of the toasted Qrunch Quinoa Burgers that illustrates your instructions was misleading. But it’s a filthy lie, employing as it does a half-scale replica of an actual toaster to lull overly credulous consumers into thinking they can safely toast their patties.

See how the patties in the picture extend well above the top of the toaster slot? In reality, Qrunch Quinoa Burgers disappear into the slot completely, coming to rest about an inch BELOW the top of the slot—even before the toast-lowering lever is engaged.

No matter, I thought, watching my patty disappear into the bowels of my toaster. I’ll just unplug the toaster after the toasting operation is complete, use a fork to retrieve my patty, and before you can say “Jack Robinson,” I’ll be enjoying my Qrunch Quinoa Burger.

Alas, I was entirely too optimistic! Here is what happened when I tried to retrieve my patty:


And then it got even worse, with the patty completely disintegrating in response to my frantic attempts to extract it from the toaster. Finally I had to turn the toaster over onto its side to leverage gravity. The result was an eviscerated patty adulterated by random toaster shakings. Worse yet, IT WAS STILL COLD, even though I’d followed the instructions and run two cycles:


I’m not blaming you for the fact that it has clearly been too long since I’ve cleaned my toaster. I’m not even expecting an apology or recompense. I’m just begging you, in the name of corporate good citizenship, to change the heating instructions copy on your packages and spare other consumers the pain, disillusionment and toaster wreckage I’ve suffered today.

You can either remove the toaster suggestion completely or alter it to alert consumers that they’ll need to use a special miniature Qrunch Quinoa Burger toaster and THREE heating cycles. I appreciate your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely, etc.

[X-posted at Balloon Juice]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 09/20/13 at 02:30 PM

Categories: FoodMessylaneousSkull Hampers

The Real “L” Word: Hillary Clinton Episode


Forging ever onward on his earthly mission, Bryan Fischer, Dude-of-all-Trades for the American Family Association, has outed Hillary Clinton lest she try to get her hands on the the helm of our rickety ship of state sometime in the near future.

Fischer, who has his very own sheltered workshop on talk radio, made his blockbuster announcement thusly:

“. . . the bottom line is that if Hillary Clinton becomes president in 2016 she will not only be our first female president she could be our first lesbian president.”

The authoritative source for Fischer’s scoop is none other than Gennifer Flowers, award-winning expert on the sex lives of the Clintons, who told a Daily Mail interviewer, [the UK’s National Enquirer wannabe], that the Secretary of Explaining Things told her, his own self, that Hill is bisexual.

[Obviously, Fischer believes that “lesbian” = “bisexual.”  It’s all just one big disgusting orgy.]

read the whole post »

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/20/13 at 09:18 AM

Categories: LGBTPoliticsHillary ClintonNutters

Thursday, September 19, 2013

The Boehner of Our Existence


People say a lot of things about me. People outside this room. People inside this room. I just let that s—t roll off my back.

Speaker of the House, John Boehner

I think we all—Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Indifferents—have to agree that it really sucks to be John Boehner.  Ever since January, 2011 when he took that obscene oversized gavel out of Nancy Pelosi’s hands his life has been a living hell that not even golf with The Donald, a nice bottle of Chateau Ausone at the Capitol Grille and a home tanning bed can mitigate.

That has a lot to do with how Boehner got his gavel.  The Speaker surfed in on the 2010 TEA Party wave and who could have known that those aging Boomers who liked to dress up and wave poorly spelled, but highly creative, signs were only the advance guard of a younger, hungrier army of outsider anarchist idealogues appalled at where the “country was heading”—code for socialist, Kenyan usurper-apologist in their White House.

Thus was the Koch Caucus born and their well-endowed velvet revolution to overthrow the government from within.  And John Boehner gets to be their stooge, humiliated time and again by his ungovernable cohorts who wear their ignorance of the framework, the workings and conventions of good government like some sick badge of courage.  Boehner gets to read headlines about himself like:

Boehner Agonistes (again)

Boehner’s lose-lose situation

The Boehner and the Restless

And those are the kinder, gentler headlines.  Then there are these:

Boehner Caves to the Cruz Cabal’s Demands

House GOP beats Boehner into submission

John Boehner’s Top 5 Most Humiliating Defeats

You get the idea . . .

read the whole post »

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/19/13 at 11:22 AM

Categories: PoliticsBqhatevwrNuttersTeabaggery

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Earth to Lindsey Graham!

In the world of Lindsey Graham and his band of Boom! Boom! Bomb Iran! knuckleheads this happened:

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) said Tuesday he’s working on legislation that would give the president the green light to attack Iran if negotiations over the country’s alleged nuclear weapons program stall.

In the world the rest of us live in this happened:

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani told NBC News on Wednesday that his administration will never develop nuclear weapons and that he has full authority to make a deal with the West on the disputed atomic program.

In Rouhani’s first interview with a U.S. news outlet since his election, he also spoke to NBC News National and International correspondent/anchor Ann Curry about his initial interactions with President Obama, who sent him a letter of congratulations and raised “some issues.”

“From my point of view, the tone of the letter was positive and constructive,” Rouhani said.

All we are saying, Lindsey, is give diplomacy a chance.

Also somewhat related Harry Reid blew off a little steam:

  We should be facing the reality of climate change. Look what happened in Colorado. I talked to Senator Bennet yesterday. He said the floods were “Biblical.” In one part of Colorado, it rained 12 inches in 2 hours. I cannot imagine that. Fires all over the West. Climate change is here. I met with the Foreign Minister of Bangladesh. They do not know what they are going to do with the rise of the sea which is taking place. In that country there is no high ground. It is that way all over the world. The Marshall Islands–a thousand islands make up the Marshall Islands–55,000 people live there. These islands are being washed away with the new waves they have never seen before.

  Climate change is here. We are doing nothing about it. They are spending all of our time, the American taxpayers’ time, trying to repeal a law that has been in effect for 4 years.

Speaking as someone who’s been witnessing these “Biblical” floods from the literal sidelines*, all I can say is “No shit, Sherlock.” 

Our government is so very, very dysfunctional and there doesn’t seem to be anything we can do about it.

read the whole post »

Posted by marindenver on 09/18/13 at 05:41 PM

Categories: MessylaneousPoliticsNuttersTeabaggery

Guns N Sh*t


After a brief moment of silence comemorating the dead of America’s most recent demonstration of irresponsible gun ownership, the 2nd Amendment brigade are now letting their freak flags fly.  All of the usual “guns don’t kill” disclaimers, plus a few creative additions—thank you Breitbartlets!—are zipping around the net-o-sphere as we speak.

From the Pundit Class, we have Joe and Mika:

Joe: I think we can wait a day or two before talking about, having these politicians and these bloggers trying to get political points.

Mika: It’s very frustrating to watch these things happen again and again and again and for it to be kind of obvious what the problem is.

Good point, Mika . . . unfortunately this is now the “problem” that dare not speak its name BECAUSE—“well regulated militia!”

But, sometimes, ol’ conservative Joe just can’t help himself when life is so unfair:

On the day where people were hiding, people were bleeding, while people were dying, while the nation was locked in on this, he’s talking about hard partisanship and Republican wanting to hurt people.

Can you imagine what certain people at this network would have said?  Mika would be killing George W., everyone here on this network would be killing George W.

I have to assume that Joe’s talking about the same George W. who politicized 9/11 into an invasion of Iraq?  Do we really believe these two things are equivalent?

read the whole post »

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/18/13 at 10:17 AM

Categories: PoliticsBedwettersNuttersTeabaggery

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Senate Returns To Normal Operations Following Navy Yard Shooting.  Seriously??


(h/t for wonderful elephant sculpture)

So. the first headline I read this morning reads: Senate Returns To Normal Operations Following Navy Yard Shooting. Truth be told, I can barely remember the last time the Senate was operating normally.  I think it was sometime during the Clinton administration . . . ?  Whatever.  More power to ‘em, if it’s true.

Meanwhile, we’re cruising into waters where there be dragons and the whole damn crew is either asleep in the wheelhouse or drunk-climbing the rigging.  It’s not unusual for people wrestling with mental demons to get confused, lose the thread or do a 180 in their thinking.  Which seems to be exactly what we are witnessing, right now, with Republicans.

Suddenly, the little voices in their heads are shrilling a new tune.  For years now Barack Obama has been a super-scary, tyrannical Kenyan autocrat super-efficiently destroying the greatest government on Earth and bent on single-handedly imposing a New World Order of Sharia-flavored Socialism on the innocent, unsuspecting American populace.  Be afraid! the little voices said, be verrrrry afraid. 

Now. Suddenly.  The bogeyman is weak! oh so impotent that a mere poof! of patriotic resistance will send him scuttling to the Oval Office to repeal ObamaScare, his own self, with his very own presidential vorpal sword.  Whereupon he will repair to the Capitol Steps and set loose all 2,000+ pages, like little birds floating away in the crisp Fall air over the District. 

Then we can all go to the Shining-City-on-the-Hill Drive-in, drink root beer floats, and pretend it’s the Fifties and none of this terrible shit ever happened.

read the whole post »

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/17/13 at 10:47 AM

Categories: PoliticsBqhatevwrHealth CareNuttersTeabaggery

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Growing Up Inside the Beltway

  Breaking News
  Celebrity News
  More ABC News Videos

The Sunday Morning TV Political News lineup is not a spot I ordinarily cruise when I’m looking for a little comic relief.  So.  Imagine my amazement when I got a proper, cathartic belly laugh out of ABC’s This Week Powerhouse Roundtable.

And I wasn’t the only one.  Making up this week’s roundtable were Rep. Justin Amash (R-MI), Rep. Donna Edwards (D-MD), Cokie Roberts, Matthew Dowd, Paul Gigot and, of course, George Stephanopoulos.  It was around about the 9:00 mark on the video above that Stephanopoulos asked Rep. Amash to weigh in on the prospect that President Obama appears to be standing pretty firm on his position that raising the debt ceiling is non-negotiable.

Amash argle-bargled a bit about compromise and how the president had to because . . . Republican majority! yadda yadda but then Amash delivered his “money line:”

I think we’re doing the president a favor if we delay it, the program is not ready to be implemented. If anything, the president should be asking us to delay it because because it’s better for him politically.

At that point, the entire roundtable—Stephanopoulos and the various assembled bipartisan luminaries burst into laughter.

It was a silly, naive thing for Amash to think, let alone say out loud, in such a forum, and that’s why the more experienced hands [which probably included the camera operators and best boys] just couldn’t control their mirth.  Hell, even Amash chuckled a little in a bewildered sort of way.

read the whole post »

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/15/13 at 03:29 PM

Categories: PoliticsElection '14NuttersTeabaggery

Friday, September 13, 2013

Yes, Virginia.  There Really Is American Exceptionalism


Well, boys and girls, it’s that time again.  Treasury tells us we’re about to reach our debt limit in the Halloweenish time frame, so the House Sons of Anarchy Caucus is gearing up to prove just how masterful they are at political mind games even if they can’t get out of their own way on matters legislative.

Many of us mere mortals of the “represented” class have it on good authority that this is a dangerous game that can result in credit downgrades, Wall Street volatility and all sorts of other, more localized economic mayhem.  That is why the Congressional Record reflects a long and relatively serene history of periodic debt limit rises, as the need arose.

But that was then, and . . . well, you know the rest.  Things are a lot different today, now that a subset of Exceptional Americans have decided that, if government involves community organizer black people in the White House, fewer guns, more abortions and allowing every Tom, Dick and Harriet to vote, then they just don’t want none of that “gummint” stuff anymore.  So they’re fixing to blow it up and the debt limit is the perfect IED.

And the cherry on top? A brand new, ultra-timely NBC/Wall Street Journal Poll telling us what to think:

By a 44-22 percent margin, Americans oppose raising the debt ceiling . . .

A poll like this is analagous to asking your mailman, pastor and the cafeteria lady whether you should go for chemo and/or radiation for your brain tumor.  The answers that those folks give you may make you feel less alone but they won’t even come close to solving the problem.

And, BTW, what’s up with the math thing, NBC/WSJ guys?  What about the missing 33%?  Are they the ones who laughed in your faces, the ones who gave a NSFW response to such an idiotic question.  You do realize that your results indicate nothing useful to the real people wrestling with this “problem”  that should be a no-brainer? 

These numbers are significant only in that they demonstrate everyday Americans’ woeful ignorance of how their a) government b) global economy and c) national budget process work.  But ooh Baby! do they love giving their opinions anyway.  The thing that’s most exceptional about Americans, IMO, is that they are literally fearless about appearing stupid.  If they don’t understand something, they’ll never admit it—they’ll pretend they have advanced degrees in whatever it is and demonstrate their ignorance in a thoroughly American, thoroughly dramatic way.

Oh and one more thing it demonstrates . . . it shows how people like some of the ignorant miscreants currently gumming things up in the US Congress get elected.

Posted by Bette Noir on 09/13/13 at 09:54 AM

Categories: PoliticsBedwettersBqhatevwrOur Stupid Media

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