4th of July Food PrØn: Quick and Easy Tea Party Candidate Cake
Like all holidays, the 4th of July is an obligatory, bullshit celebration that will inevitably force you to share oxygen with pin-headed Wingnut primates you can’t legally kill and who refuse to leave because they drove all the way from Bumfuck, Idaho in their mint-restored ‘71 HemiCuda but are too cheap to spring for a room at the Super 8. Now, however, you can whip up a simple, appealing Third Party Spoiler that’s guaranteed to plunge them into a self-annihilating ideological null-space you can fill with any room-temperature Democrat who’s not currently under indictment.
You will need the following ingredients:
♦ 8 cups baking soda
♦ 45 egg whites (Separate non-white portions and mail any fetal chicks to Liberty University for proper, reverent disposal and mourning.)
♦ 1 cup Mother Moose’s® Permanent Fund Dividend Oil-Based Attention Shortening
♦ 1 tri-cornered hat (Pulled or minced.)
♦ 1 Gadsden Flag (Snake bits only. Trim them out of the yellow field, and save the excess fabric to make patriotic ammo-cozies.)
♦ 1 pocket version of the US Constitution (with the 16th Amendment and Commerce Clause carefully stripped out, and the remainder vigorously whisked until only the 2nd and 10th Amendments remain floating on top of the foam.)
♦ 1 GRUCCI MINESHELL MAYHEM assortment pack (or the LIVE FREE OR DIE® 21-Shot crackling fan buster-box or the BADA BING BADA BOOM 19-Shot destructo-sampler.)
♦ 2 tbsp. Milk of Common Sense® or other artificial education-substitute
♦ 1 tsp. Bachmann Bitters
♦ Rick Barber’s Scary Dead Presidents® Brand coarse, unseasoned, tax-free Salt of the Earth, sprinkled to taste.
Stir ingredients until the mixture resists logic and clings to God or a gun. Trowel into a flat, shallow, irony-free pan. Bake at highest available oven temperature for one minute, or until explosions, whistling and “mweep-mwow” noises become unbearable. (Refer to above video for bake-time clues and finished cake reference dimensions and sounds.) Allow 15 minutes for cake to cool and stop moaning, then drape with red-white-and-blue bunting for a rube-pleasing presentation.
Voy-la! You have a vote-splitting, RINO-killing, meal-ending taste-treat that serves 10-12 members of “We the People,” or can be grudgingly redistributed to 100+ illegal immigrants and non-producing Liberal parasites.
And isn’t that what Freedom’s all about?