I have to put out some razor-wire and Malaysian stinging beetles to discourage the locals from shitting in my front lawn after the Big Regatta Fireworks tonight.

Normally, I just sit up in my office and pick them off with a pellet gun, but I’m on deadlines.

Today will involve baking (cco cookies & a chocolate cake), cooking (pasta salad) and grilling (steaks & asparagus).

Then we’ll waddle over to the local fireworks display because we’ll be too full to get ourselves down to D.C. (And, the last time I rode Metro on the 4th I nearly killed and skinned a bunch of tourists).

After that we will rebel against this county’s dumbass no fireworks for the proles rules.

Since D.C. is LIEburl Lefty Elitist Islahomofascist HQ for the East Coast, we’re all discussing the overthrow of reaLAMErica and how great it will be when Soros stops being a shadow dictator and takes the throne.

Happy Independence Except from the Soft Smothering Clutches of the Nanny State Day!

Macy’s, the great New York institution which is responsible for the Macy Day Parade in November and also is where babies come from, as every sophisticated New York child knows (big white deli cases full of babies), has for some reason decided for the second year to have its fireworks display on the Hudson, where New Jersey can see it, rather than on the East River where Brooklyn and Manhattan and Staten Island and Queens could all see it, as well as the Pollys, with non-locomotive Mama-San, from the glamorous hundredth floor Polly porch.

What has caused Macy’s to turn its face, and barges of magnesium canisters, from us, I do not know, but I suspect they are currying favor with our new Tea Party overlords, who invariably, when they assemble in their Gadsden-flagged hundreds to demonstrate in front of City Hall, turn out to be from Jersey.

Consequently, the Pollys shall pass the day emptying the dregs of the Pinot Grigio down our throats, listening to M-80s being set off in the courtyard of our charming apartment complex by the young, and contemplating our 2nd Amendment rights, just as the Founders would have wished.

A safe 4th to all of you fine fine people! Barbecue’em if you got’em!

@HTP—With any luck, this will be the last 4th of July, ever.

Enough with the past. We must establish new, “aspirational” holidays that emphasize Cooperation, Earth-Consciousness, Good Personal Hygiene and Planetary Government. “One Race, One Sex, One Income for All”—that sort of thing.

Betty’s right, too. We could use a cooler song. But we should probably wait and introduce that along with the new flag design.

We must establish new, “aspirational” holidays

Oh boy, picking out our costumes for All Comrades’ Eve is going to be so exciting!

I’m going as a Gorgeous Cultural Mosaic, cut from squares of recycled paper colored with soy-based inks! With lots of pockets for Redistribution of Treats, of course.

(h/t mosaic: Mama-san)

Sagging in grief due to the cancellation of our local fireworks display due to Chris Christie’s TeaBagger Hammer O’ Hell, we’ll be dragging ourselves over to our culinary-challenged friends house to eat under-seasoned, over-cooked meats and tasteless salads (with the soul exception being my delightfully flavorful potato and egg salad that other guest will relish.

We love them muchly, but they hate seafood, vegetables, mayonnaise, seasoning, salad dressings and meat cooked shy of well done.

But don’t let me seem all doom and gloom!  There will be beer.  Gallons and Gallons of it.

and that should be “sole” exception…amongst the other typos.

I’m all ablaze with freedom-fighting righteousness while watching Independence Day that my brain suddenly turned tricorn hat ‘bagger and My Spelling has Gone to Shit and random Capitalization.

I’m with HTP on the touristas in DC riding the Metro.  When we start the New World Order Government in November, I may slip something into the constitution about the legality of cannibalism.

So, I’m not going to the Mall, but may sneak a peak in on the hill above Dupont Circle.

As it turns out I made an interesting scientific discovery over the weekend: if you put Heineken into a Stella Artois glass it tastes a bit like Stella.  Since then I’ve compiled a variety of other brews so that I can repeat the experiment.

I’m with HTP on the touristas in DC riding the Metro. 

Hey now, we were touristas in DC not that long ago!  Studiously avoided the Metro, though. ;-)

We’ve had a welcome cool down here from 90’s yesterday to 70’s today so just got in from doing some much needed weeding in the garden.  Going to some friends later for dinner who seem to think we’re all senior citizens now and schedule get togethers at the early bird special hour of 4:30.  Oh well, at least we’ll get home early for a good night’s sleep.

To spite you all I will spend the better part of today singing British drinking songs, watching Python again and again, leaving my beer in the direct sun to get the perfect temperature, banging my mash and mashing my bangs all the while speaking with a distorted accent (imagine East-Coast-ese-with-fair-to-middlin-irish-tones-mixed-with-a merican-urban-topped-off-with-my-best-Cockney).

Once the sun sets it’ll be Guy Fawkes night all over again enjoyed with rousing rendition of the Spice Girls greatest hits, some Benny Hill highlights and a Mr. Bean anthology.

God bless my underwear, my only pair.

Discovered the steaks were 1 1/2” thick. That and the asparagus and the pasta salad and the cookies and the watermelon seemed like enough for two people. Now I’m not sure I can waddle over to the fire works.

Urp!

I should clarify that tourists are fine, I love tourists. Provided they don’t stand in the fucking way and gawk at the train like it’s a great big dragon or some other exotic creature that might eat them up if they’re foolish enough to get on.

And Dan ReHeil is banned for life. Also2.

It’s hot. It’s quite quite hot. Our television has picked tonight to start a very recognizeable death-spiral; it won’t turn off, but displays Op-Art lines, and, over the Hudson, Macy’s has filled the air with pyrotechnics, which I know because a gap between two buildings sometimes seems to be throwing the occaisional spark our way.

However, we are safe for the moment from the importunings of desperate rubes who cannot figure out which side of the MetroCard to swipe, nor that you shouldn’t stand at the bottom of the escalator while you try to figure out how to open your subway map.

It’s not like they’re in the accursedly obscure and ridiculous entry to the Metro, where an advanced degree in economics still won’t tell you whether you have entered the right amount in the Cerberus 1000 automatic ticketing device, and roving gangs of feral children menace puffy-shirted pensioners in tricorn hats.

It rained and rained and rained. It’s still raining. However, Jeebus did halt the downpour at around 9 PM to allow the local pyromaniacs to launch their fireworks. Then it rained again.

I haven’t seen that Heritage Loaf thing since Groove Tube first came out, in a previous century. It’s just as funny as I remember it.  And about how many things can you say that?