56 Years Too Late for Me, Foreskin Man Fights for the Penis I Might Have Had
Not to distract from the much worthier “dick” stories here and here, but it seems like there’s just never enough dick to go around.
Jewish men lose theirs to a prepared-right-at-your-table Benihana Temple Chef called a mohel. Because I was born into a nominally Christian family, I surrendered mine to the Rabbis-in-Blue-Gowns of the Internationalist Judeo-Medical Complex, with the promise that what had been sacrificed to the Hebrew god Jor-El would be reunited with me under the New Covenant of Jesus, in Heaven, where it would no longer be worth having. In my teens I became an atheist, hoping that simply denying Christ would cause it to grow back all by itself. But, alas, that’s not how Science works.
Of course, I’m talking about the male foreskin. Or, in the case of my majestically uncircumcised college roommate “Mule” Mortensky, the “floorskin.”
For 40 years, I’ve reconciled myself to forever living the life of an incomplete man — a hopeless victim of America’s assembly-line-scale Partial Penis Abortion industry, damned to years of self-doubt, cruel teasings of “Roundhead!” by fully-flapped Czechs in public baths and endless nights filled with the tingling mockery of “Phantom Foreskin” Syndrome.
But now, at last, I and all men like me have a champion — in the form of a strapping superhero with a rakishly-retracted cowl-cape, who only incidentally happens to be A GIANT FUCKING COSTUMED NAZI.
Naturally, I’d never believe a link to The Blaze, unless I concomitantly tracked down the press release they didn’t link to:
As comic book fans from around the world descend on this sun-drenched city to attend the 41st annual Comic-Con, San Diego’s own MGMbill.org has launched a new 8-page comic book entitled Foreskin Man. The comic spins the fictional tale of an intactivist superhero who attempts to rescue a young boy from being circumcised by his arch enemy Dr. Mutilator.
When not protecting children from dangerous circumcisers, Foreskin Man assumes his secret identity of Miles Hastwick, a former corporate scientist who runs the newly opened Museum of Genital Integrity. The museum’s opening exhibit is a full size replica of an American style infant circumcision – something so lifelike that even the museum’s supporters have a difficult time looking at it.
I’m not sure which bothers me more — the fact that Dr. Mutiliator employs Monster Mohel, a Fagin-looking Rabbi who circumcises infants on billiard tables, or the fact that I have “Professional” credential status at Comi-Con, which this pretentious little fuck has gratuitously dragged into his nasty fantasy of political relevance. In my universe, there’s a big difference between “Work for Hire” and “Work Will Make You Free.”
[FULL DISCLOSURE:] I’m not really conversant in either the Health or Human Rights implications of circumcision, so I can’t honestly dismiss other, earnest proponents of this bill, if such a thing exists. However, I am informed by this image from Drudge Report that rigorous circumcision of vegetables may be essential to combatting the outbreak of “Super E. coli” strains that have recently surfaced in Europe.
Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 06/04/11 at 04:44 PM • Permalink
Categories: Geek Speak • News • Politics • Skull Hampers •
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