Are you a Real Progressive? No you aren’t! Unless you take this quiz.

The United States of America in the year 2010: The gutters of our nation’s most elitist cities run with latte-tainted urine as the progressive v. progressive pissing contest drags on. But thanks to a team of highly trained socio-political experts* the unpleasantness ends today.

Over the past six months† a crack team of sociology and political science professors from America’s tallest ivory towers, together with two former presidents and three retired Supreme Court justices‡ designed this simple 7-question test that will finally separate the true progressives from the backstabbing corporafascist bigoted neo-con pigs in tie-dye clothing. You must not have anything better to do right now or you wouldn’t be here, so pick up your Number 2 pencil and begin:

1. How do you feel when you think of the upcoming elections?

a) What? Didn’t we just do this?

b) A little nervous.

c) Really excited! I can’t wait to see the look on Obama’s face when Republicans take over and impeach him!

2. Look at this picture for exactly 15 seconds. You are filled with the urge to:

a) Spank the monkey in a carefree and defiant manner.

b) Shake my head sadly over the state of U.S. politics.

c) Once again ask why, oh why, the Democrats have failed to create an unorthodox, headline grabbing candidate who can recite talking points and other party propaganda.

3. Do you know what the term “Hippie Punching” means?

a) LOL. Is that like donkey punching?

b) [Sigh] Yes.

c) Clearly you have yet to read my 32,758 word, 5-part essay: The Punchocaust – The Life and Very, Very, Very Hard Times of a True Progressive among the Obots. Guess you’ve got better things to do while the world goes to shit, huh?

4. What role should progressive blogs play in politics?

a) [Fart]

b) They make a good place for people of similar political beliefs to quickly share information and ideas.

c) Look, I’m a plain spoken person and I have to say: What an incredibly stupid question. Progressive blogs, especially my blog, control the debate and the votes. If I’m not happy, a lot of DINO pols are going to be unemployed, the Republicans will be back in power and everyone will come crying to me!

5. If Republicans take the House and/or the Senate in the upcoming election, it will prove:

a) What day do we vote again?

b) Democratic leadership failed to adequately inform and energize voters.

c) I was right! I was right! In your FACE! I warned everyone but they didn’t listen. Now they’ll be sorry, they’ll ALL BE SORRY!

6. Have you ever directly contacted an elected official to share a concern, express an opinion, note your support/opposition to a bill, etc.?

a) No.

b) Yes.

c) Why the hell should I do that? I have a blog. They should read it every day if they want to know my opinion so badly. Not that they care.

7. In your opinion, the highest form of literature is:

a) Dirty limericks.

b) Well-crafted prose.

c) A ransom note.

Time’s up! Please put down your pencils. Here’s how to calculate your score:

If you answered c) to four or more questions, give yourself 100 points.

If you answered b) to four or more questions, give yourself 50 points.

If you answered a) to four or more questions, give yourself 25 points.

Give yourself 500 points if you stopped halfway through the test to write a blog entry, two Tweets and a Facebook update about how much you hate people who aren’t serious enough.

Deduct 500 points if you actually stopped to masturbate in front of the picture in Question 2. Dude, really? Grow the fuck up.

If you scored 100 points or more: Goodness! President Obama needs to hear each and every one of your ideas immediately or the country will be doooooomed. I beg you; Go to the White House and demand to be shown into the Oval Office. Don’t take no for an answer from the guards. They’re part of the crypto-fascist corporatist hippie punching problem anyway.

If you scored 50 points. You’re a progressive. But you don’t give a damn because you’re busy and it’s all rather silly anyway.

If you scored 25 points or less. Look, just try to remember to vote this time. And pull up your damned pants! Christ.

________

*Take my word for it.

†Really.

‡Scout’s Honor.

Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 09/26/10 at 11:12 PM • Permalink

Categories: PoliticsElection '10Manic Progressives

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Thank you thank you thank you, keep the sanity coming.
I think I’m going to have to piss some people off in the homoblogotubosphere in the next week or so, with an entry of some sort called “Dear Gays:  Calm the Goddamned Fuck Down,” or maybe a headline more befitting a non-profit, but Jesus Balls, I’m a bit over the hysterics.

three retired Supreme Court justices

Goddamn you HTP, now I’m imagining John Paul Stevens as the meat in a Souter/O’Connor sandwich.

Why should I give a fuck that some uber-prissy-puretards would rather be able to suck their own cocks than lend a hand fending off a Pithecanthropoid roll-back of every even-vaguely Liberal piece of legislation passed since the Eisenhower administration? It’s only the Fate of the Nation versus their fucking Pre-Pubescent Egos, that’s all.

The Punchocaust – The Life and Very, Very, Very Hard Times of a True Progressive among the Obots

The PUNCHOCAUST!

You should be decorated, and your birthplace have affixed a plaque denoting the honor accorded it of your emergence.

A much-appreciated dose of perspective.

Also my answer to #2 was “Goddamn I want to knock that smirk off that woman’s face with an Ocean’s Eleven/Leverage/Diggstown magnitude con.  She’d fall for it.”

Well, Evan, I’m sure the gheys will be ever so chastened when they realize you think they are hysterical. 

What’s another year or ten of being being second-class citizens, prohibited from serving in the military or legally marry?  I mean, it’s not like they can’t sit at a lunch counter or anything.  Eventually they will be afforded the full protection from discrimination in work and housing. 

Yeah, you’re probably right.  They should just shut the fuck up.

All right I’m only going to say this once (unless I need to say it again).

I urge everyone to read up on the Civil Rights movement. No, don’t type Civil Rights into the search bar. Go to the LIBRARY, check out some BOOKS and read them. If you can, find someone who was actually involved and talk to them. Hell, I’ll send you my mom. For a few months.

I guarantee you will discover:
1. Lots of people pitched fits because things were taking too damn long.

2. Lots of people told them to calm the hell down.

3. Lots of arguments about who was/wasn’t GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING.

Now is it fair that we have to do the same shit over and over again to get the same results? No. But until someone creates a cure for being a dumbass bigot we’re stuck with it. That’s it. Go, library, now. Book reports due in two weeks.

I was told there would be no math.

Nicely done, HTP!

Karen Marie,  there’s something of a difference between “STFU” and “CTFD.”

Did you follow Evan’s link? It doesn’t look like he spends his time saying, “c’mon, guys, the back of the bus is fine for now!”

It would probably be a good idea not to accuse people on more or less the same side of the fence of simply not caring over issues the way oneself does, just because their position is not one’s own. That’s a hard standard to stick to sometimes, and if I try to employ it consistently, I don’t know how it will affect snark quality and quantity, but I think it’s worth a try.

I am calling up the WH to express my anger over the DOJ’s “automatic” appeal of the DADT court case. It’s not like I don’t get angry at Obama or the administration. But it’s also true that calling up the Palin WH to express my anger over a policy would be an endeavor in uselessness, which is why I won’t be sitting on my hands in November, just to show a few people a thing or two.

C’mon, Mrs. Polly—“the Other Guys Are Worse” is a tremendously lame defense, until you think it through and realize it’s pretty fucking compelling.

Thanks, HTP, for helping me feel better and giving me a chuckle.

I love rumproast.  I wish I had time to write more about how much I appreciate y’all, but I got shit to do, so I don’t have time.

Love,

Beulahmo

Hahahah, yeah, indeed, Mrs. Polly, I do not spend my time saying “the back of the bus is fine!”

I actually spend my days, from morning to night, on Gay Issues, and I’m getting this sense right now that I wish some of the people with the sudden passion for activism would read up a little bit on policy and how laws are made, etc.

Put it this way:  if some of the activities of the Gay Activists are annoying the bejesus out of ME and many other gays and gay-supporting people [and we were literally, 100% on the same side!], then they’re falling on a lot of deaf ears all over the place.

Strategery.  Some people just dunnot have it.

But Evan, I’ve been assured by Some Very Serious Progressives that the best strategy is to let the Dems fail—that way, they’ll be sure to think twice before they punch those fickle hippies again! It sounds like you doubt the Ancient Wisdom of Failing To Win In Order to Win at Failure and Earn the Right to Scream “I TOLD You so!”, or something. ;)

I’m getting this sense right now that I wish some of the people with the sudden passion for activism would read up a little bit on policy and how laws are made, etc.

You’re very kind. I get the sense these people just like leaping about screaming LOOK AT ME!!

Maybe a few hours with the downtrodden souls at LCR or GOProud/Draft Cheney 2012 freak show would help clear their heads.

But Evan, I’ve been assured by Some Very Serious Progressives that the best strategy is to let the Dems fail—that way, they’ll be sure to think twice before they punch those fickle hippies again!

I’d have posted this thought, FWIW, on Betty’s monster thread, but the troll’s running out of steam and it’s not got long to run, so I offer an experiment (which can remain a thought experiment, though I’ve been through something approximating it in real life).

Go to a union member and self-identify as a hippie (even dress as you imagine one does if it helps).

See what reaction you get. Now, I have to allow for cultural differences here, so clue me in.

Will it be:

(1) a brotherly/sisterly embrace of solidarity/high five?
(2) patronizing (or genuine) laughter?
(3) a lecture on the post-Marxist dialectic?
(4) a tirade identifying you as part of the problem, and why the fuck don’t you get REAL, and get off your fucking ass and organize?
(5) a punch?

Fill in other options (from experience or imagination).

Wait! We’re supposed to be strategizing? I thought

1) Whine about ponies

2) ????

3) Manic Progressives win every election and do exactly as the firebaggers want them to do (with sprinkles)

was the strategy. Time? Hard work? Losing a few and winning a few? Pshaw!

No, seriously, I was laughing at TLC’s resident gays who hate O’Hoover (O’Bomba) with the heat of a thousand suns for lying about the unicorns and I was told that I was on the cross with two nails in and an was offered a hand hammering the third. Clearly, analogy fail, and no, no strategy other than that surfaced. In fact, no strategy will be allowed airing, because, you see, Obama’s worse than Bush, and gays will get much better treatment under the GOP thumb. So tell me, who’s the martyr here?

I wish some of the people with the sudden passion for activism would read up a little bit on policy and how laws are made, etc.

What are you, fucking retarded? What the fuck do you mean by “policy” and “how laws are made”?

Do you seriously believe, for one goddamned cocksucking moment that the only reason gay men and women in this nation are not afforded equal rights is because of some organization called “Congress”?

Ya, sure. If fucking Obama had any balls (and we know Michelle took them away on day fucking ONE and they remain on the mantle because married men, at least those married to women are nothing more than eunuchs, amirite?) gays would be lolling about in married bliss while wearing composite body armor and tramping through the Hindu Kush in search of some sweet Marine tush.

What the fuck is this law-making bullshit anyway? Obama is supposed to be a goddamned Constitutional scholar and surely he need just follow in the lead of America’s greatest civil libertarian, George Bush, and just sign any fucking piece of paper he likes and that magically makes it a fucking law, right?

It could be a cocktail napkin from ridiculously a expensive and upscale Manhattan restaurant or the back of a cheeseburger wrapper from some ridiculously expensive D.C. burger joint. By not doing so Obama not only proves he hates America, hates gay people and his only interest is to pad his nest egg so that he and Michelle can dine on the finest delicacies from around the world once their term in the White House is over.

God Save the Queens!

c) Clearly you have yet to read my 32,758 word, 5-part essay: The Punchocaust – The Life and Very, Very, Very Hard Times of a True Progressive among the Obots. Guess you’ve got better things to do while the world goes to shit, huh?

======

So THAT’S what Bob Somerby has been doing instead of finishing the second half of Chapter 5 (still coming June 29).

I think I would like to marry this thread. It would help make up for the pain of my starter marriage to the hippie-punching thread.

It would help make up for the pain of my starter marriage to the hippie-punching thread.

Hey, we got the “Good Morning, Starshine! The Earth Says Hello!” line outta that thread, so it was worth the pain.

Not to mention “I’ve moved on to enemas.”

I think “I’ve Moved On To Enemas” needs to be a tag.

I’d also nominate this (not least for the hinterland it evokes):

And frankly, as someone who was raised by and around actual hippies: Some of them DID need punching.

And frankly, as someone who was raised by and around actual hippies: Some of them DID need punching.

As another person who was raised by hippies, I definitely have to second that emotion. Even though I consider myself a second-generation hippie.

Just the really, really annoying whiny ones! Also, assholes who based the way they dealt with you on your sign. What kind of dickhead cares what a kid’s sign is?

Damn! I can’t believe I had to deduct 500 points.

Fantastic!  Much needed.  Thanks.

(Of course, the folks who most need to take this to heart will just start shrieking louder…)

Also, Hunger Tallest, you’ll probably like this if you haven’t seen it already:

http://www.democracyjournal.org/article.php?ID=6780

Does everyone here know what a donkey punch is?

Why is it that:

a) These days, every time I hear someone whining about how Obama hasn’t really accomplished anything except further isolating the left and moving the Overton window right and punching hippies and that anyone who supports him might as well be a Republican and blah blah blah, it makes me want to strangle him and yell ‘HEY IDIOT, MAYBE NOW WOULD BE AN EXCELLENT TIME TO LEARN WHAT THE PHRASE ‘BIG TENT’ MEANS AND CONSIDER HOW WELL HOLDING YOUR BREATH UNTIL YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT TYPICALLY WORKS’; and yet,

b) Every time I find someone posting about how only idiots are disappointed with Obama and that being insulted by something that Obama or Rahm or whoever says is stupid (or, more accurately, that only idiots would be so insulted) and that everyone to the left of Obama (and/or the poster) on the political spectrum should just STFU and go volunteer for a political campaign and not interfere with the REAL, PRAGMATIC people, it makes me want to hit them upside the head with a shovel and say, “GO THE FUCK BACK TO FOURTH GRADE BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY HAVEN’T LEARNED THE INTERPERSONAL SKILLS NECESSARY TO GRADUATE TO FIFTH.’

Why do you suppose that is?

Oh wait! I know! It’s because at this point, anyone on either side who is still actually throwing punches in this little internecine war has proved exactly one thing, and that is that he is a COMPLETE FLAMING ASSHOLE.

Thanks for reading!

-fred

it makes me want to hit them upside the head with a shovel and say, “GO THE FUCK BACK TO FOURTH GRADE BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY HAVENT LEARNED THE INTERPERSONAL SKILLS NECESSARY TO GRADUATE TO FIFTH

because you’re not reading enough Rumproast!

Just about everybody here is to the left of Obama. And would be delighted to have a sober discussion about policy, just as soon as the bright lights of the leftosphere finish instructing their admirers to let the village burn in order to save it. Then we’ll only be screaming because we’re having our wounds abraded.

I for one welcome my new Teabrained congressional overlords. I didn’t really need those unemployment benefits anyway.

LOL. I took the test and got only all a’s.

Now to go back to that pic in Q2 and wank off.

Only an idiot would be insulted by anything Rahm or Obama says is stupid.

Furthermore, those who make typos when writing blog comments lack the maturity necessary to proofread before hitting the submit button AND SHOULD BE HIT WITH SHOVELS.

I disdain both Fred and the commenters who mock him—which pretty much makes me the “Master Po” of cowardly non-engagement disguised as scornful maturity.

As a hippie who has been punched before, I’d really really really appreciate some kind of trigger warning first if you’re going to write about such things.  You know, maybe be less of a blatant tool of the anti-hippie punchocracy all the time?  KTHXBAI.

You’re right. On a blog like this, we should at least have a “Safe Word.”

Green Balloons!

Great stuff—thanks for putting a smile on my face.  It’s pretty much dead-on accurate (although I wonder what the Firedoggers will think of it….)

Do you seriously believe, for one goddamned cocksucking moment that the only reason gay men and women in this nation are not afforded equal rights is because of some organization called “Congress”?

No, actually it’s a common misconception that the legislative branch legislates and the executive branch executes that legislation.  I don’t know why!  It’s right in the first amendment: “Congress shall make no law.” 

It’s one of those you drive on the parkway but you park on the driveway things.  You might think that the “legis” in “legislative” means pertaining to legal stuff and the making thereof, but you’d be wrong!  “Legis” is actually Latin for “old fat guys yelling at each other”, and “-lative” Latin for “place where they do that.”
 
Congress doesn’t draft or vote on laws—the president does, and then the congress either signs the bill into law, which is called a signing statement, or they don’t, which is called a filibuster.

(My captcha for this is “doubt44”.  Even the blog software is a firebagger.)

If you score 100 you are a waste of skin. In fact if you scored anything other than 50 you are a waste of the air you breath.

Actually what I probably should have written was this blog post is a waste of the electrons required to transmit it to my computer.

Actually what I probably should have written was this blog post is a waste of the electrons required to transmit it to my computer.

Yet you couldn’t stop yourself from commenting twice, could you, Mr. This-Post-Means-Nothing-to-Me?

I’m afraid you’re going to have to try harder to sell me on your haughty, scornful indifference.

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