Armless, Legless Robot Pal Can’t Escape Your Crazy Grandpa

Freaky Japanese robot designer Hiroshi Ishiguro has prototyped this unnerving “telepresencing” unit, which transmits the speech and realistically mimics the movements of a human operator at a remote terminal. Well, some of the movements, anyway.

In addition to enabling you to “visit” your drunken, abusive father without having to worry that you’ll accidentally kill him in a blind rage after he repeatedly burns you with a lit cigarette whilst shouting “Whoreson! Whoreson!” and waving a framed photo of your fabulously good-looking, successful older brother who died pushing you out of the path of a runaway moving van, the “Telenoid R1” robot opens up a vast new frontier of entertainment opportunities, including:

♦ Totally turning the tables on your kid’s “Chucky” doll.
♦ Positioning the Telenoid in a TV Chair at the bus station and having it offer strangers cash for their body parts.
♦ Stuffing it in the trunk of a burning car, then YouTubing the craziness when the EMS guys get there.
♦ Shipping it to your ex-fiancée in a big red Valentine’s Day box, then “drunk-calling” her with it the moment she opens the lid.
♦ Getting epically baked on Christmas Eve and substituting the Telenoid for the life-size Baby Jesus in an outdoor Nativity display.
♦ Taking the Telenoid with you to an IRS audit, and introducing it as your CPA.
♦ Convincing your senile Nana that you’re visiting her on her birthday, while you’re actually on the other side of town cleaning out her Safe Deposit Box using a forged Power-of-Attorney.
♦ Getting excused from jury duty by claiming you’re a giant mutant fetus whose rights and obligations as a citizen aren’t explicitly enumerated in the Constitution.

The Telenoid R1 units are not yet available for purchase, although I would wager they’re pretty easy to kidnap.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 08/04/10 at 12:57 PM • Permalink

Categories: Geek Speak •

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If they ever come up with an anatomically correct version, Meatprod is back in business.

Comment by Tom65 on 08/04/10 at 01:09 PM

Getting epically baked on Christmas Eve and substituting the Telenoid for the life-size Baby Jesus in an outdoor Nativity display.

I think this is my favorite. But they’re all pretty goddamned good. We need to hold a fund-raiser and buy you one so you can put these plans into hilarious action!

Comment by Betty Cracker on 08/04/10 at 01:55 PM

In addition to enabling you to “visit” your drunken, abusive father without having to worry that you’ll accidentally kill him in a blind rage after he repeatedly burns you with a lit cigarette whilst shouting “Whoreson! Whoreson!” and waving a framed photo of your fabulously good-looking, successful older brother who died pushing you out of the path of a runaway moving van

And haven’t we all been there?

Comment by marindenver on 08/04/10 at 02:38 PM

a) That thing is very disturbing.
b) After reading your post and watching the video, I still have no idea why it exists except to creep me the fuck out.

Comment by Kevin K. on 08/04/10 at 05:10 PM

So, gay marriage is fine with you. But somehow, there’s something “creepy” about this old geezer affectionately fondling a stunted mechanical torso operated by the man in the next room.

I guess maybe we’re all “Liberal freethinkers,” right up until the moment when we’re not. I welcome your robot-hatred.

Comment by StrangeAppar8us on 08/04/10 at 05:23 PM

Thanks—I haven’t laughed that hard in weeks.

If this thing were translucent, it could totally be in the next Ghostbusters.

Comment by Frank Stone on 08/04/10 at 05:35 PM

It reminds me of the ghostly presence in The Simpsons spoof of The X-Files—the one that turned out to be Mr. Burns floating after his mysterious life-extending therapy sessions. “I bring you peace! I bring you love!” “Hey, he’s bringing us peace and love! Let’s get ‘em!”

Of course, this thing is actually bringing hellfire, insanity, and damnation. But otherwise, same diff.

Comment by Oblomova on 08/04/10 at 10:36 PM

It’s not the giant mechanical spermbot I’m worried about so much, it’s that Grampa is so far gone, he doesn’t seem to realize it can’t pull his finger.