“Could a grainy, hand-held gore-fest of unproductive human body parts reanimate this rigored Randian tent-pole?”

Perhaps the greatest question ever asked, my friend. As for genre shifts, I’m thinking a neo-noir homage to Blade Runner. It could make a virtue of the Atlas I casts’ inability to project human emotion by recasting the Galt gang as the wooden, self-centered dystopian overlords intent on hunting down and snuffing out all beings capable of fellow-feeling and altruism.

Given the excerpts I’ve seen, they’d be better going full-on National Lampoon.

Hank Rearden (Chevy Chase), divorced beleaguered workaholic single-parent dad to an ungrateful, cheery, but fundamentally dysfunctional herd-like family, decides to combine work with pleasure in a once-in-a-lifetime cross-country rail trip which he claims is just the bonding holiday they all need.

Dogged and constantly embarrassed by his hick brother-in-law (Randy Quaid) and family, who manage to lig on the ride, Rearden’s nervous tic of shrugging at inconvenient moments leads to repeated hilarity in the dining car.

John Galt (Leslie Nielsen) is an éminence grise throughout, always appearing in unexpected, embarrassing cameos, like the train john, whose malfunctioning doors are a running gag.

The final literal cliffhanger, involving the runaway train careering toward a bridge constructed from a faulty batch of Rearden’s legendary metal, sees Rearden, against all odds, eventually finding romance with hardnosed hotty Dagny Taggart (Beverly D’Angelo, whose striking resemblance to the current onscreen Dagny means she’s a shoo-in).

The kids and shiftless inlaws don’t make it, last seen plunging to a noisy if pantwettingly funny demise in the canyon below, punctuated by the closing shot of Rearden shrugging ambiguously then enthusiastically embracing Dagny, but them’s the breaks.

Planet of the Galts! Hank and Dag land on a distant (they thought) world, and find a bunch of moochers looting the ruling class’s crops. After helping the rulers with their pest problem, they go on a nice picnic at the beach, see a half submerged Statue of Liberty and scream “You monsters! You went Galt without us, and after blowing it all up, devolved into lesser life forms! We are so outtie, it’s not funny!” Then they ride off in search of a less vermin infested gulch. The End.

Showgalts
A young drifter, named Dagny, arrives in Las Vegas to become a patriotic small business owner and soon sets about clawing and pushing her way to become the top of the Vegas super patriotic entrepreneurs.
Zack Carey: Tell me something, how much did you charge?

[Dagny looks confused]

Zack Carey: Hooking.

Dagny Taggert: Fifty. Hundred sometimes.

Zack Carey: You got low self-esteem baby, you’re a fantastic fuck.

‘Atlas Shrugged Part II:‘Shrug Harder’?

‘Look Who’s Shrugging’

All of this made me snort in the middle of my ha-ha-ha-ha thing.

Atlas Frugged

A long-awaited remake of They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? with real shooting.

“Band of Galts.”

A plucky crew of Americans sign up as producers (not MOOCHERS) in the never-ending battle of parasitic losers (DemoNcrats) versus those who work and make stuff, suddenly find themselves in a vicious firefight after a train stop in a Union town in Western Pennsylvania.

With only their training, their trust in one another and the knowledge that only those who can drive trains are worthy of respect, they outflank the Marxist-Commies who have set up roadblocks and despite the heavy artillery fire from lazy ironworkers and smelters, they manage to capture the town and liberate the local banker, insurance guy and hardware store owner who were brutally imprisoned and their belongings confiscated.

Norma Rae Galt

A young mother(Sally Field) is forced to find work in a textile mill after her husband leaves her. Appalled at her lazy and shiftless coworkers who take 25 minute lunches and disappear for cigarette breaks and constantly moan about the limbs they’ve lost in textile machinery accidents, Norma decides to teach them a lesson in the Free Market.

When she hears of a nefarious plot for them to Unionize, she goes to the company founders- a pair of brothers named David and Charles Koch, and tells them of the plan. Norma is advised to ‘pretend’ to be on their side and whip them into a frenzy of collectivism. The trap is set.

The vote for a Union is successful, at which point the brothers move the factory to the Mariana Islands, leaving Norma out of work.

Late at night in her trailor, her child asleep, Norma begins a 3 hour monologue about how the Unions have destroyed her chances for employment at the mill and vows to one day have her own company in Indonesia.

Charles Atlas Shrugged

A welcome biopic comedy vehicle return for the unemployed and decaying Arnold Schwartzenegger, reprising the success of Spinal Tap and Best in Show to catalog the nefarious behind-the-scenes machinations that see innumerable adolescents continue to have sand kicked in their faces on beaches despite having ballooned from 7 stone to an unwieldy 500 pounds thanks to a proprietary diet of Gatorade, pointless exercises, steroid-packed waffles, and wingnut propaganda, to the eponymous character’s sublime indifference.

And the male adolescents fare no better.

You know, these professed Randians really really suck at going Galt.  Almost as much as they suck at what they actually do. 

Harry Potter Shrugged.  Harry Potter realized he’s a Randian roughly at the same time Voldy awakens.  Potter decides he is much too good to get his hands dirty in the take-down of Turtle Face and instead plays Quidditch in Galt’s Gulch.

No pleading from his pals can change his mind.

“I’m special,” sniffs Harry, brushing his locks away from his forehead to show his scar.  “The people don’t deserve my productivity.” 

In the end, Snape has to save the day and the world (more screentime for Alan Rickman) as Harry Potter poses manfully in front of Hogwarts.

The end.

The Galtian Centipede

Galt goes nuts and tries to make a train outta people! Hilarity (and vomiting) ensues…

Battlestar Galtlactica.

Featuring the catchphrase:
“So say John Galt!”

==The Galtian Overlord of the Rings==

A lazy hippie moocher (played by a constipated-looking Elijah Wood) is prevented from destroying industrialist hero Hank Sauron’s hard-earned private property by his heroic team of orc private contractors.

==The Karate Kid==

Basically the same as the original.  Crafty Randian Mr. Miyagi carefully bilks lazy looter Ralph Macchio out of a bunch of free labor in exchange for some short bullshit karate lessons at his Japanese-style Galt’s Gulch.  He helps Ralph Macchio take down the collectivist looter team of Cobra Kai through manly individual action, unregulated back-alley emergency healthcare and ridiculous, impractical platitudes about the nature of life.  A shot-by-shot remake of the 1986 original.

==Forrest Gump II==

Drawn to libertarianism’s mindlessly simplistic philosophy that deregulation magically fixes things, Forrest Gump runs for president as a libertarian.  He then magically fixes a bunch of things by deregulating them.  “My momma always told me life was like a box of chocolates.  If you leave ‘em out, those lazy moochers will eat all but the nougats”

Atlas, shrugged: a slothful, eccentric, young man named Atlas lives with his parents, Hank and Dagny, and devotes much of his time to building elaborate model train layouts. Bill Murray stars as the raffish but wealthy industrialist who meets Atlas at a hobby shop and becomes increasingly obsessed with Z scale.

==Enemy of the Welfare State==

Like that Pawlenty video, but 90 minutes long.

==Rashomon==

Three people who have witnessed a crime are shown to have radically different subjective interpretations because they never bothered to study Ayn Rand’s A=A philosophy.  Long flashbacks show the characters being prevented with Rand’s philosophy on multiple occasions (Penn Gillette in a variety of cameos—the creepy ponytailed libertarian dude in college, the creepy ponytailed pizza delivery guy who manages to work Ayn Rand into every conversation, the creepy greasy ponytailed techno-libertarian IT dude, etc.), only to reject it, because they are parasites.

It’s a Wonderful Galt!

A remake of the Frank Capra classic, only Mr. Potter is the hero rather than the villain in this version. When Jimmy Stewart’s brother calls Stewart’s successful out-of-town pal to beg for a loan, instead of replying “Sure! Heehaw!” the guy wires back “Drop Dead. Stop. Moochers! Stop.” and Jimmy jumps off the bridge for reals.

Gulch of the Dolls

Mr. and Mrs. Galt: A pair of married libertarians enact the “greed is good” philosophy of Ayn Rand by agreeing to kill each other for huge capitalistic gains.

Remember, this is the guy who originally conceived Part 3 as a musical, so God only knows what he’s got in mind.

The Big Speech as the longest song in the history of music, or at least since the death of 70s art-rock?

or at least since the death of 70s art-rock?

Heeeeeeyyyyyyyy ... I still love the Allman Brothers!

(Motherfucking) Galts on a Train!

What’s Up, Galt? A madcap comedy wherein Dagny Taggart & Hank Rearden’s luggage get mixed up with those of a jewel thief & government whistleblower’s. (The Streisand effect is never more in evidence!)

Heeeeeeyyyyyyyy ... I still love the Allman Brothers!

I was thinking Tales from Topographic Oceans and the like.

Tales from Topographic Oceans

Or, as we called it in Ohio, the Roger Dean Commemorative Placemat.

Ctrl-Galt-Delete.

Anonymous hacks into Dagny’s web site & posts videos of her & Hank having unbridled sex. Oddly, no one is teh least bit interested!

Ctrl-Galt-Delete

==Mutually-Self-Interested Acquaintances With Benefits==
Two singles, tired of meeting people who don’t share their love of Objectivism and/or don’t appreciate dog training commands being yelled at them in Russian while having sex, fall into bed together out of pure rational self-interest.  But they wake up the next morning to find out they built a railroad together, and their lives will never be the same…

==Loony LibToons: Hayek Hijinks==
Brave Patriot/Tea Partier Yosemite Sam and techno-futurist libertarian Wylie Coyote team up to take on the lazy mooches Druggs Bunny and Redistributionist Duck.

The Galten Girls

Three merry widows fight it out over the course of an interminable weekend in a dystopic small-scale Miami Vice ripoff set in a condo with no air conditioning, cable, nor running water, and no contact with the outside world except for a heavy breather who phones periodically to announce enigmatically: “I’m *gasp* John *gasp* GAAAAAALTTTTT. *click* *brrrrrrr*”

FULL METAL BRACELET

An initial box-office failure that later went on to find critical disdain, the first part of the second part in the series takes place in a FEMA reeducation camp where socialists are trying to inculcate chisel-eyed Digme Braggart with their pernicious philosophy.

The weakness of an egghead professor who deals gently with a slow learner disgusts Digme, who beats them both to death with her disposition and shoots her way out of camp with a pink pistol carved from a bar of cameo soap, before which the softie libguards cower like so many softie libguards.

The second part of the second part has yet to find financing, but is rumored to be set in Gulch Webegon, where all the men are strong, all the women are strong, and all the children are left exposed on a mountaintop, useless little moochers.

Or Galt Noir - where the relentless gumshoe Hank and his sidekick Dagny are determined to expose the seamy underside of the socialist haven trying to overtake and TREAD ON the coiled, steamy pile of libertarian incompetence.  Without being detected.

I don’t know about anybody else, but hell, I’d pay good money to go and watch some of these.

Death To Moochy.  We could get John Stewart again.

Days of Whine and Poses.

Mighty Joe Jung.

Pride and Prejudice.  (Mr. Darcy just takes what’s rightfully his.  Don’t change the name - Copyright law is for the weak.)

Afterbirth Of A Nation.

Atlas Tugged.  Captures the essentially masturbatory nature of the whole philosophy.  Sorry, I meant “philosophy.”

True Grift

I, Fraudius.

Predator Versus Alien, II: Rooting For Alien.

Nones on the Run.

The Virgin Genocides.

Planet Of The Gripes

I Was a Fugitive From a Gold Chain Gang.

You’ve Got Bail-out.

Paul Von Ryan’s Express.

GoldMiddleFinger

Tween Wolf

Young Wankenstein.

We’re-All-Brokeback Mountain.

(I can’t stop.  Too easy.  Nust sleep…)

Das Loot.

Gold(manSachs)Finger.

The Bonfire Of The Inanities

Butch And Caligula: The Early Years.

BeetleDouche—Recently deceased libertarian couple seek the advice of arch-ghost Ayn Rand to drive out the owners of a vegetable co-op who purchased the deceased couple’s old home.

Reservoir Shrugs

Six unacquainted professional industrialists are brought together by a veteran John Galt to execute an intricately planned intellectual strike.  Things go horribly wrong when one of them is actually an undercover Socialist.

Galty Towers

John Cleese reprises his famous sitcom role as the elusive supreme objectivist Basil Galty is finally tracked down in semi-retirement running a seaside hotel in Torquay according to strict Randian principles.