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BREAKING: the Heart of Texas and this News

(RRNN)—Rick Perry dropped out of the 2012 presidential race today and endorsed those kickass muscle relaxers some sketchy dude slipped him before his now-famous Manchester, NH appearance. “I can’t recommend ‘em highly enough, they’re like a space-walk in a Ziploc, man. Oh, you mean for the nomination? I dunno, one of those other pills, I guess,” said the ex-candidate.

The former governor and homunculus borne of George W. Bush’s genetic runoff will return to the place of his creation, What A Bunch Of Clones Laboratories, where he will writhe in agony as his body breaks down on the cellular level at geometrically accelerating speed, intermittently cursing his “father” (head geneticist Stephen Wong) for encumbering him with this cruel mockery of life. His final hours will be spent on the run—after using what remains of his strength to break out of his glass enclosure, he will kidnap Laura Bush and climb to the top of the Wells Fargo Plaza, bleating “I just want what you have, brother!” in something approximating human speech until his teeth and tongue fall out and drop to the street below.

“It was scary but kind of fun too, I guess I needed a little adventure in my life,” the former First Lady will be quoted as saying as she furtively tucks a Ziploc bag into her pocket and steps away from a bubbling puddle of viscous, flesh-colored liquid which was once considered a leading contender for the GOP nomination.

“Did I say ‘so cool?’ I meant cold, so very cold.”

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