Birf of a Nation or ...
The dream of the Returnable Negro.
Birfitis is now being discussed around the world. For anyone just joining us, I highly recommend these lovely illustrated guides to the mind of the Birfer Queen and her drones. I also wanted offer an explanation of Birfitis so you’ll understand why more people are coming down with this affliction even though the very least they can expect is a lifetime of mockery. So, don your HAZMAT suits because it will require a peek into the only place darker, filthier, more tension-filled and cramped than a Port-o-Let at a Teabagger rally.
The brain of the racist. Form a line and mind your heads please, there’s very little room in here. And watch out for the bacon streaks of fear. Ready? We’ll begin.
Here we are at the giant teeter-totter of bigotry.
9,000 petawatts of fear keep the racist brain in a constant flux between two belief states:
1. Those People need to stay in their place.
2. Those People need to go back to where they came from.
1. is the ground state. However, as Those People move away from Their Place, fear tips the brain towards 2.
While the average racist couldn’t articulate where exactly Their Place is if you rammed a half-stick of dynamite up his ass and brandished a pack of waterproof matches (not that I’m suggesting anything), I’m sure we’ll all agree that President of the United States of America is not it.
More severe cases moved towards state 2. the moment Obama announced he would run for President. However, while the idiots currently entertaining us with their antics were desperate to warn the world that an African-American was trying to get out of his place, they are bright enough to realize commenting directly on his race could have negative consequences.
You may recall some early sporadic attempts to claim that Obama wasn’t you know, black black, because his ancestors were not slaves (in America at least). So um, if you’re going to vote for him because he’s black, don’t. ‘Cos he’s not.
Sir? Excuse me, sir! Please don’t touch that. If you trigger the Rush Limbaugh response gland while we’re in you’ll have to pay for our rabies shots.
Now, if you check the U.S.‘s definition of African-American or Black you will see no mention of slavery. And of course, anyone with half a teaspoon of sense knows that cross conflagration artists don’t give the people they harass and assault a chance to recite their family tree. However, it is my theory, and it is mine, that these early references to Obama’s father gave birth to the birfer movement. Ah-ha! the proto-birfers cried, his father is from Kenya and even though he was born on American soil to an American citizen and in all ways satisfies the definition of a natural born citizen for the purposes of Article II of the Constitution ... he isn’t really qualified to be the President because ... Uh. Where’s his Birth Certificate? No, not that one! The really real one.
Madam, please keep your children away from the Cunning Jewish Person Stereotype Projection Device, it’s very sensitive. Thank you.
The Birth Certificate Controversy also contained two elements favored by society’s assorted nuts: There was the vast, complicated conspiracy that spanned two continents and more than four decades, and the opportunity to display their unshakable ignorance of simple matters such as citizenship.
The BCB also allowed them to entertain one of those paradoxes of which bigots are so fond. Obama was obviously too stupid to be president, yet at the same time he was able to fool or silence everyone from his own family members to the Central Intelligence Agency. Bigots need to believe those they fear are powerful and immensely dangerous or pitching rocks through the window of the store owned by that Korean family becomes less like Defending the American Way and more like being a petty minded little turd.
Soon the BCB began to attract victims of ASAD - Attention-Seeking Asshole Disorder:
Calm down! Please, this is just a hologram of Alan Keyes. How in the world did you get that sawed off shot gun in here? Never mind. Just put it away please.
However, BCB would have stayed on the outer fringes of society were it not for the events of 4 November, 2008. Many people who began the day certain there was no way one of Those People would get that far out of His Place, went to bed in shock. Not only was Obama out of His Place, he was in a place where he could and would affect their lives. With an audible thud thousands of bigot brains landed in state 2. and there were the original birfers, promising that they could prove Obama was out of His Place. And once they have enough proof, surely he’d have to go back where he came from.
And if they can return one Negro who didn’t stay in his place, maybe they can get rid of the rest. At the very least, it would serve as a warning to anyone else who didn’t Stay in His Place.
That concludes our tour, please be sure to stop by the decon booths on your way out - Oh no! Which one of you broke the Brown Hordes Pouring Over Our Borders diorama?
[fixed a few typos -ed.]