Charlie Sheen Auditions for New Role As Ruler of Libya

Now that “Two and a Half Men” has been canceled — in the wake of Charlie Sheen’s spectacular self-immolation on the Alex Jones radio show — Sheen has penned an open letter to assure the world that he is totally in command of Cosmic Balance at his Fortress of Sexitude in the Bahamas, and that, together, we can all overcome a world of lies, envy and Jew-bastard bosses like TAAHM co-creator Chuck Lorre (aka Haim Levine):

What does this say about Haim Levine after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words—imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong. Remember these are my people ... not yours…we will continue on together… Charlie Sheen

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 02/25/11 at 01:45 PM • Permalink

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Saigon…shit, I’m still in Saigon…

He is PERFECT for the job.

I give up, Internet.  You win today.  I can’t keep up.  “in my octagon”?  Is that anything like that thing with the milkshake bringing the boys to the yard?  “march up the steps of justice”?  Would “Block that metaphor!” help?  I didn’t think so.

The thought occurs that Kurzweil is only half right about the singularity.  It’s not that machines will become increasingly more intelligent.  It’s that the instantaneous feedback loops of the Internet have made, and will continue to make, everything increasingly insane.  Sure, it’s always good for a laff.  But…

“You the youth, dance, sing, stay up all night, live a life of dignity.”

—Muammar Gaddafi, earlier today

More Gaddafi:

“With the armed people we can defeat all aggression. When necessary we will open all arms depots to arm the Libyan people. Libya will become a red flame.”

And Gaddafi will become a red stain.

It’s that the instantaneous feedback loops of the Internet have made, and will continue to make, everything increasingly insane. 

Ipso facto, QED. Our work here is done. “Overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out.”

Charlie Sheen will bring down the Institutional Left!

@Ripley—We’re still waiting…

His father Martin is probably mortified. I have respected Martin Sheen, a native of my hometown, for years. Emilio seems like a good guy as well. Too bad Charlie is putting a stain on the family reputation.

When I read his recent rants and ravings, I think that the drugs and drinking have taken him over completely. And it makes me sad for his former wife, who probably tolerated a lot of this bullshit before throwing in the towel and was accused of trying to rip him off.


What, only Nine Billion Episodes of Insane were necessary?

I love the smell of overweening douchebags flaming out in the afternoon.

It smells like a bag of roasted dicks.

This is a terrible shame for his family and children, not to mention all the people he just disemployed. The worst thing is that that there’s probably still a salvageable human being underneath all that dopamine.

Alex Jones wasn’t much of a friend to let Sheen vent on the air. He should have dumped the call and arranged an intervention. But you wonder at this point how many real friends Charlie has.

What, only Nine Billion Episodes of Insane were necessary?

Actually, I was thinking Mr. Wonderful had written an utterly appropriate epitaph for the Web, and we could all go home now.

Mr. Wonderful’s epitaph truly is wonderful. I was clumsily adding to your Clarke allusion, which, oddly, just came up at my house the other day.

I was clumsily

Never. Not you. Not possible.

I’m deeply disappointed that the letter, with its 151-proof concentration of crazy, isn’t a leaked audiotape, because I’d love to hear what this guy would make of it. 

Oh well—maybe the radio show will generate a remix.

Comment by Steve M. on 02/25/11 at 04:43 PM

So—beating the shit out of women doesn’t cause anyone to blink, but calling a male producer names in public is a firing offense. Oh Hollywood—never stop being you!

I agree about Martin Sheen. I remember him very fondly and this must be very painful to him. But drugs really can destroy a person. He must be in agony thinking of the child he raised coming ot this.


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