Just change that sign to SOME SEATS NOT AVAILABLE and you’re all set.

Christianity has got to be the least interesting and most derivative religion ever. Only the Latin mass and the KJV ever succeeded in elevating it above a crappy self-help manual for homely people and desert nomads.

Trade all the guilt and the “be happy in your bondage” shit for some binge-drinking fun and naked fertility hijinks, and you might get someone to show up. (Like anyone wants to spend a whole day at a football stadium confessing their failures and begging forgiveness from the Invisible Man. Jeez.)

I think it’s important to keep an open mind about matters spiritual.

Which is why I’m hoping for a well-aimed, timely thunderbolt or two, or even—at last—the Second Coming.

The sight of Jesus kicking Perry’s ass up and down the stage would be quite televisual, and a guaranteed YouTube hit.

I happened to tune in at the exact second Perry came out.  It must be a sign!

He can’t get through one whole sentence without looking down.

I think it’s important to keep an open mind about matters spiritual.

I felt the same way until I surrendered my life to Beelzamok the Indifferent, the Deity Who Gives Nothing and Demands Everything. Kind of a shitty trade, but at least you always know where you stand with the Guy.

God is the NFL Commissioner?

The Christian God gets jealous? Maybe he should move to Olympus.

Good crowd on the floor, but the mezzanines seem to be camera-shy.

Jesus, please don’t kill me, I’m so sorry.

This is uplifting stuff, fer sure.

Did Jesus give them rain yet, or does he need a little more fear and guilt from these folks?

“there is no upper room without the cross.”

Evidently, no mezzanines, either. But look at all the corporations there for corporate repentance hour!

This is incredibly sick and disturbing, like Lawrence Welk playing “Minnie the Moocher.”

“Your hands are full of blood.”

Oh, this is fucking charming.

“The Devil can-cans in their souls.”

—Ben Hecht, Fantazius Mallare

Ah, so abortion made it stop raining! Now I understand.

This, from the only modern religion where it’s wonderful when a man bleeds on a cross, but menstruation is still kinda creepy.

For without Life, we cannot have Liberty

Can’t argue that one. Though somehow, they manage to make “Life” sound like it stops at the moment of nativity.

For without Life, we cannot have Liberty

And not even a fucking golf-clap for the Pursuit of Happiness, unless you buy your own birth control.

And special guest appearance by Evil Incarnate, Rick Scott!

GOVERNOR SKELETOR!!! Where’s Betty? And he’s wearing his state seal, too.

Brownback just swallowed his doubts and put on his gingham hair shirt and showed up.

Rushing past the blessed peacemakers to dwell on the blessed butthurt for jeebus.

When does the snake-eating and levitating begin?

So far, this is like Tuesday night at the Holiday Inn bar.

Asking for the fire of the Holy Spirit to rain down on our nation in the middle of a drought seems counterproductive.

Does the Holy Spirit ever use seltzer?

By far the best blingee, ever. Now, I’ll read what is it about.

BTW, Gov. Skeletor was just on tape, so there was no need to for him to put the Havoc Staff in his checked luggage.

HA-GEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

We confess that we are STILL a Judeo-Christian nation

Ghost Ben Franklin just did another heavenly spit take. Ghost John Adams is awfully tired of having to wipe Franklin’s Heaven Ale off his waistcoat.

From the schedule:

Prayer: Repentance for the shedding of innocent blood

If this was about the thousands of Iraqi civilians killed in the war I’d think there was some hope for these clowns.  But I’m betting it really has to do with fetuses.

We confess that we are STILL a Judeo-Christian nation

Yes, because stealing, perjury, murder and and (sometimes) adultery are illegal in the US. Unlike in Babylon, Sumeria, Ur and Ancient China.

I must say, this is the most diverse wingnut event I’ve seen.

Aleister Crowley had more respect for the Divine than these people.

I must say, this is the most diverse wingnut event I’ve seen.

The compulsion to blame oneself for God’s mistakes transcends color and language.

I can’t watch this any longer. Do these idiots really believe that their little misguided pryers will stop global warming? What a bunch of fuck heads.

If the snowbilly grifter does’t join them, then it’s official, she’s a has been.

I’m afeared Palin ain’t runnin’.

Or if she is, she’s runnin’ from crazy shit like this that will kill in the primary.

Oh Texas. Even the Jews are Born-Again Christians.

WHAT?  Some rabbi (Moshe Waldman?) just ended a prayer with “...in the name of Jesus, our Messiah.”

WTF, boobie? 

SHANDA FER DE GOYIM.

Oy, have they got the wrong vampire!

SHANDA FER DE GOYIM.

What, you guys are waiting for a different Messiah?

StrangeAppar8us ~ I know. I have some slightly wingnuty relatives from my Muslim side. Prayer is the answer for everything, cancer, mental illness (specially mental illness), draught, you name it. Incidentally, they’re not obsessed with abortion, I’ve never heard them mention it, but they’re obsessed with a “woman’s modesty”.

Isn’t that Palin singing on stage in the black Benetton suit? She has the glasses and the bangs and everything.

Isn’t that Palin singing on stage

My ears aren’t bleeding, so probably not.

Also, she didn’t do a running tackle on Perry and rake his pretty face with her talons. That’s not our Sarahcuda!

I am amused by Pastors Fred & Wilma Berry(stone) of the Honorary Co-Chairs.

Sarah’s done. She missed the window. Once Perry’s in, she’s Fred Thompson in a dress.

just show a continuous loop

They’re not? I thought they were.

I enjoyed the first ten minutes of Hootie and the Godfish, but these hours of vamping are beginning to wear all of us down.

“It’s all about Yooooo Jesus! It’s all about Yoooo!”

Now we know Sarah’s not there.

I’ll bet God’s thinking, “I set my alarm for this?”

Jesus would be totally creeped-out by this.

What part of is Message did they miss?

Oprah: what a kind, charming, representative of the Whore of Babylon!

The Harlot Babylon is preparing the nations to receive the Antichrist. The Harlot Babylon will be a religion of affirmation, toleration, no absolutes, a counterfeit justice movement. They will feed the poor, have humanitarian projects, inspire acts of compassion for all the wrong reasons. They won’t know it, beloved they will be sincere, many of them, but their sincerity will not in any way lessen the impact of their deception. The fact that they are sincere does not make their deception less damaging. I believe that one of the main pastors, as a forerunner to the Harlot movement, it’s not the Harlot movement yet, is Oprah. She is winsome, she is kind, she is reasonable, she is utterly deceived, utterly deceived. A classy woman, a cool woman, a charming woman, but has a spirit of deception and she is one of the clear pastors, forerunners to the Harlot movement.

Thanks, Mikey. YOU get a Harlot, YOU get a Harlot, everybody reach under your seats!

The other religions can say what they say. There IS no other religion besides the one that says what I say!

If Jesus is real, he will now fill Reliant Stadium with boiling haggis.

Snark all you want liberals, just remember, these zombies vote.

Not if we outlaw their religion and steal their children.

I still have hope.

So I guess if you hold your hand up in the air, it’s like a dish antenna?

just remember, these zombies vote

What? I thought Sharia Law was going to save us from these cultist chuckleheads.

Shure SM 58 microphones. “The Choice of Professional Vocalists.”

Paul’s Letter to the Peloponnesians?

I don’t remember that one.

Magnify YOUR Savior’s name with the Shure SM 58!

Halp! My livestream died.

After all the repetitive nagging, did you-know-Who finally zap the place?

20 years later, it’s still the BEST microphone for talking to God.

Halp! My livestream died.

Jesus IS merciful.

Halp! My livestream died.

We were saved. Hallelujah! Praise baby Jesus.

So I guess if you hold your hand up in the air, it’s like a dish antenna?

Stuff like this is why I come here.  Thanks for the guffaw!

Resurrected my livestream with the “refresh” button.

Hey, was Jeebus Refreshed?

Oh boy, just in time to mourn the blastocysts.

Palinistas don’t know what to do with themselves:

♫ ♪ ♪♫ ♫ ♪Jesus touched me a secret place ♫ ♫ ♪ ♪

correction

♫ ♪ ♪♫ ♫ ♪Jesus touched me in a secret place ♫ ♫ ♪ ♪

Sarahnoids can’t believe that Jesus would talk to someone other than Snooki.

Of course, what he would say to Sarah is:

Governor, I served with Queen Esther, I knew Queen Esther, Queen Esther was a friend of mine. Governor, you’re no Queen Esther.

Pardon me, but that young lady needs to repent for that animal print. It’s a polyester blasphemy.

There is a third-grade awakening in America. Let’s all stand to our feet!

Whoops! Third great awakening. My bad.

Eight-year-olds, stand down. You have Commandments to memorize, don’t you?

This is so boring, even God has nodded off.

So when does Jeebus show his approval for this event by finally letting it rain in Texas? 

<checks national satellite map>  Nope, not today. 

You folks are much tougher than I am, I can’t stand listening to this shit - brings up bad childhood memories of hanging around the willfully hoodwinked.

@SOAS — I can’t watch it continuously. Without sex, antlers and fuzz-tone guitars, it just isn’t “religion” to my mind.

brings up bad childhood memories

Oops. Must be the Blood and Boredom getting to me.

Musician: “Jesus’ Blood never faaaaiiils me…Jesus’ Blood never faaaaiiils me…Jesus’ Blood never faaaaiiils me…

Producer in earpiece: “Pastor Bickle’s still in the can…just vamp!”

Musician: (@!$#%) “Jesus’ Blood never faaaaiiils me…Jesus’ Blood never faaaaiiils me…”

This is definitely the creepshow peak: desperate end-time youngsters weepingly praying for schools and campuses to be consumed by holy fire.

Jesus has ten minutes to show up and start doing card tricks, or I’m going to go watch cartoons.

There’s another 55 minutes of this~ Texas is on CDT.

That’s Christianity Demented Timelessness.

From 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., attendees are expected to pray, abstain from eating and listen to a series of speakers at Reliant Stadium.

They’re being asked to fast for seven whole hours?  I’ve been on diets that are worse than that.

This is definitely the creepshow peak: desperate end-time youngsters weepingly praying for schools and campuses to be consumed by holy fire.

No kidding.  I finally peeked in and was met by young people wishing for fire to fill the heavens.  Think I’ll see what’s going on at Comics Curmudgeon. ;-)

The International House of Prayer is responsible for most of this.

Eeek! Bush V is back!

Over thirty thousand, according to their figures. Still five thousand under what they’d hoped to attract, and four hundred and seventy thousand less than Jon Stewart’s rally about, um, rallies.

And yeah, I’ve forgotten to eat for longer than these self-denying doofuses are fasting.

OMG, they’re going to sing to JESUS!

Perry’s hairline isn’t seceding, anyway.

Palinistas don’t know what to do with themselves.

Perry skated her con. The gods will have blood.

Does the Holy Spirit ever use seltzer?

Yes. With milk, and Fox’s U-Bet. She is the Spirit of Wisdom, after all.

Christianity has got to be the least interesting and most derivative religion ever. Only the Latin mass and the KJV ever succeeded in elevating it above a crappy self-help manual for homely people and desert nomads.

Trade all the guilt and the “be happy in your bondage” shit for some binge-drinking fun and naked fertility hijinks, and you might get someone to show up. (Like anyone wants to spend a whole day at a football stadium confessing their failures and begging forgiveness from the Invisible Man. Jeez.)

Can I marry you?  I’ll ask Mr. Gimme if it’s ok first.