CPAC: Come, Sweet Meteor of Death [Updated]
The right-wing blogs are agog today as the 39th CPAC—the annual bash where it’s reputed that if you don’t get laid, you’re not really trying—opens in Washington, DC.
Their fluttering amygdalas are fluffed not only by the glittering panoply of hasbeen wingnut grifterdom on the schedule—running from Bachmann and Boehner to Walker and West via Bolton, Cain, Coulter, McConnell, North, Norquist, Ryan, and Schlafly—but the fear, nay hope that Occupy and other assorted Left-Wing Radical Thugs™ will enliven proceedings and provide an invaluable distraction by engaging in some stunts that can be used to stoke the preemptively flaring outrage.
CPAC 2011 is a hard act to follow. How do you ratchet up the irony and top the pièce de résistance of awarding Donald Rumsfeldt the Defender of the Constitution Award? Well, for a start, you can engage Grifterzilla herself—flushed with the honor of being named the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute’s Woman of the Year for being a stay-at-home millionaire mom with a TV studio in your basement, and quite possibly still a little tipsy—as your keynote speaker.
American Conservative Union Chair, the suspiciously Muslim-sounding Al Cardenas, kicked events off with a humungously exhilarating initiative:
Cardenas said that the ACU is now offering cards for those that want to be “card-carrying conservatives.” This is an exciting way to support the ACU and also more overtly support conservatism.
Attendees barely had time to finish fanning themselves with their cards and rearranging their vestments before the morning’s heartthrobs Jim DeMint and Marco Rubio took the stage. Meanwhile, backstage, conservative bloggers are preoccupied with the serious business of taking photos of each other engaging in the traditional pre-mating snuggles and flirting.
If you’re a real sucker for punishment, you can watch a livestream here (which, in typical enterprising fashion, times out periodically and pesters you to sign up to the ACU, though a refresh easily dodges such untoward advances), but I’m sure we’ll dip in over the next two days if something suitably outrageous or snarkworthy’s on the menu. A PDF of the full schedule is here, a summary of what the ACU considers the “highlights” here.
Title h/t Asshole Assholeson
More: On my wishlist of bloggers I’d like to see actually attend CPAC to provide coverage, Charles P. Pierce would come pretty near the top.
Well, waddyaknow? He’s there, and blogging furiously!
More more: TPM follows up the somewhat libidinous theme of this post by giving graphic details of “world renowned pickup artist Wayne Elise” schooling a bunch of Santorumites in the ways of hawt wingnutty lurve:
“‘I was thinking about how sexy it would be to kiss you,’” world renowned pickup artist Wayne Elise told a group of young Rick Santorum fans. “You can say that [to a girl], it’s cool.”
...
One tip, he noted, was to introduce sensuality into early conversations with girls — like the above quote — to keep from falling into the platonic zone with your target.“Most guys fall into the category of not being sexual enough, so that girls will easily see them as friend material and the guys have a hard time getting out of that,” he said. “I think one of my ideas that connects to conservatives is that it’s OK to wait but you definitely want to show the person you’re sexual and sensual.”
For those slow on the uptake, training apparatus is available onsite:
I’m looking forward to the images of that little feller from later on in this bacchanalia.
Posted by YAFB on 02/09/12 at 12:48 PM • Permalink
Categories: Politics • Election '12 • Bedwetters • Nutters • Sarah Palin • Teabaggery • Poliblogs • Polisnark • Our Stupid Media • Skull Hampers •
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