CPAC Day 2: Slurps, Slaps, and Slingbacks [Updated]

We’re not here to re-brand a party, we’re here to rebuild a country. We’re here to restore America and the rest is just theatrics. The rest is sound and fury. It’s just making noise.

The next 37 long minutes were indeed taken up with sound and fury—the familiar gurns, squawks, shrieks, and dribbling, punctuated by the novel sound of slurping, to rapturous applause. It’s 2013. It’s CPAC. And it’s Sarah Palin.

Yep, the Grifta from Wasilla, having added Fox News pundit (failed) to her résumé, is BACK. And she’s still totally bonkers. And not in a good way.

Lord knows, when the éminences grises behind CPAC booked her, they knew what to expect. It’s an easy call, because whatever else she’s been doing in her copious spare time since bombing out of the ‘08 election in tears, in between lush speaking gigs and boring the pants off Greta van Susteren she hasn’t come up with much new material.

I’m very grateful to Jim Newell, now liveblogging in the unlikely environment of The Guardian, for keeping tabs on the parade of fail at this year’s Gathering of the Indescribables as I really wasn’t feeling up to it. Also to my co-bloggers marindenver and Vixen Strangely, who’ve been taking up the slack. However, when somebody as absolutely desperate for attention as Sarah Palin bobbles along, it would be downright cruel of me not to indulge her at least a little, so here goes.

Her turn wasn’t totally lacking in some semblance of political gravitas, as she insisted that enough with the navel-gazing already, Republicans just need to hit the streets and get persuadin’:

They’re not our enemies. They’re our sisters and our brothers. They’re our neighbors, they’re our friends. It’s imperative to reach out and to share that conservative message of liberty and less government and lower taxes.

So double-bolt your doors and bar your windows before you turn in tonight, just in case.

Boob jokes. They featured, as Jim notes:

Palin sets up a quite extraordinary breasts-and-ammo joke by telling the crowd that for Christmas, her husband had bought her a rack to hold guns on the back of her truck. Then comes the sexy punchline:

He’s got the rifle, I’ve got the rack!

As attendants carried the coronary casualties in the audience out to the waiting fleet of ambulances, as an example of “less government” Palin chose Mayor Bloomberg’s War on Soda (this is where the slurping comes in), ostentatiously sucking on a mammoth serving through a straw in a manner which suggested that if there was a baseball in there, goshdarn she was havin’ it. If she followed it up with a burp, the networks cut it and the written record is silent. But it did lead to a new party game:

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Strabismus or Sloshed?

To add a dash of controversy, she slapped Karl Rove (not literally, at least not yet, as far as I’ve heard), but in the post-2012 Republican Party, that’s kinda expected. Then it was encore time, as she combined the wingnut fixation with public speaking aids with the traditional gobsmacking lack of self-insight that is the Palin trademark:

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Leaders take risks for the good of our country. Campaigners make promises they can’t keep. Leaders reach across political differences, campaigners double down on those differences. Leaders seek to bring Americans together to confront our challenges and campaigners seek to divide and to conquer and to orchestrate crisis after crisis after crisis to exploit. Mr. President, we admit it, you won. Accept it. Now step away from the teleprompter and do your job.

There are dark rumblings that, all other avenues for gainful employment now seemingly closed to her, Palin may fancy her chances for at least a feigned run at POTUS in 2016, with all the PAC-y malarkey that would allow. I can hardly wait. Look: She’s even been practicing her Mittens impersonation.

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Watch this space.


Update: For those of you who were waiting with bated breath, here’s the results of the CPAC Straw Poll (unskewed). Jeb Bush asked to be excused, and Chris Christie did OK even though he wasn’t invited, but see who’s tied with Bobby Jindal down there?

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Posted by YAFB on 03/16/13 at 06:24 PM • Permalink

Categories: ImagesKnee SlappersPoliticsBedwettersBqhatevwrElection '16FanserviceNuttersFriends of HumusSarah PalinPolisnarkSkull Hampers

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Strabismus or Sloshed?

I was offline most of the day, and the first site I saw that Derptastic “Ermahgerd, Serdar!” picture at made me wonder if it wasn’t a ‘shop. I am leaning towards spiked Big Gulp. Maybe 50-50%?

“Ermahgerd, Serdar!”

LMAO

Where were you when I needed a post title? (BTW, despite that title up there, this isn’t intended to be the definitive Day 2 Rumproast coverage. There was more nuttiness in evidence today than you could shake a bundle of sticks at.)

Anyway, none of those pics are ‘shops, and there’s worse out there (at TBogg’s for instance).

Also, that’s some mighty fancy rounding in that straw poll—the total’s 103%!

I wanted to see just how bad it could be so I watched the whole speech.  I have no words.  It was hard to tell if she was sloshed, stoned or both.  And despite a few pieces of schtick, like pulling out the Big Gulp and listening to the crowd go nuts, she was pretty much phoning the whole thing in.  As Jim Newell noted, the transformation from politician to entertainer is complete.  She may have thrown out a teaser about running in 2016 but nah gah happen.  The biggest shocker to me was seeing how anorexically thin she is when she turned to walk off stage at the end.  The contrast between the stick thin body and the huge hair was creepy.  This person will never be able to sustain a campaign, let alone win an election, again.

None of the CPAC shenanigans of today is making a decent post for me today (I’m percolating over Ted Cruz, TeaPotty of one), but I will note that Rand Paul is like Rosemary’s Baby (He has his father’s eyes.) Paultards (gah! can we get a less-ableist names for these people?)are very organized, for one. But non-interventionism (not to say “isolationism”) has a real conservative basis that isn’t about the Cult of Ron. These are the folks who didn’t want any part of WWI or WWII either. And they can sometimes find common cause with pacifists on our side.  If he can make what on the surface look like civil libertarian arguments against the many-headed hydra of the war apparatus, well, that’s just icing and cake for emoprogs, who might not notice that “civil libertarian” arguments are dressed-up “libertarian” arguments.

Anyway, Rand is likely to say things we’ll all agree with. But you could say the same of Pat Buchanan. And ultimately, agreeing with Buchannan isn’t the same as endorsing him. Nor is a Rand Paul straw poll win necessarily a reflection of how he will ndure as a public political lightening rod.

SteveM contrasts Rand’s showing today (which means pretty much nothing except he’s flavor of the week thanks to his grandstanding—when has CPAC ever predicted an election winner?)with his dad’s:

When Rand’s dad won the straw poll in 2010, he crushed Mitt Romney, 31%-22%; a year later, his margin over Romney was 30%-23%. If Rand can’t utterly dominate in this demographic, then maybe we’ve overestimated his bro-mantic appeal to the right.

I’m surprised Cruz did so badly. Rubio obviously hit a sweet spot.

Rand doesn’t worry me much. He’s no pacifist despite the isolationism, has declared himself cool with drones as long as they’re abroad and aimed at furriners, and would probably triangulate much more than his dad on foreign policy in a primary. Which doesn’t mean he won’t whip up the baggers again if the opportunity arises and mischievous media/bloggers use him as a stick to beat Obama, but I don’t know how often they can pull that trick (it only really worked once for his dad in the last couple of years). He’s also pretty unpleasant as a person, lacking his dad’s faux-dotty charm.

can we get a less-ableist names for these people?

I’ve always liked “Paultroons.”

non-interventionism (not to say “isolationism”) has a real conservative basis that isn’t about the Cult of Ron.
George W Bush ran as a non-interventionist in 2000.

(Wow, I’m looking at the typos on my last comment and realizing I should have called it an early evening.)

The neat thing with conservative principles I’ve found is that the Bush Administration is the best demonstration of them laying aside certain stated principles rather like a tart lays aside her drawers. The Iraq war is an example. The “we wanted to balance the budget yesterday; we’ll balance the budget tomorrow; but we sure won’t balance it today” ethos is another.

I love Palin’s sneering at “the teleprompter” as she reads from one.

Vixen, I defy you to name one conservative principle these crooks and liars DIDN’T betray during Chimpy’s eight years.  The tart didn’t lay aside just her drawers; she stripped naked and then criticized her client for being immodest.

@Mr. Wonderful—Well, I think they were consistent on gawd, gays, and guns. I don’t necessarily give them any props for that kind of consistency, though.

I wonder what her fee was…

as an example of “less government” Palin chose Mayor Bloomberg’s War on Soda

Fight for the freedom to contract type 2 diabetes!

(this is where the slurping comes in), ostentatiously sucking on a mammoth serving through a straw in a manner which suggested that if there was a baseball in there, goshdarn she was havin’ it.

The term for this is fanservice.

The term for this is fanservice.

New category.

My Sista Sarah-supportin’ Xtian fundy sister is sex-negative in every aspect of her life, and damned pushy about it too.  And yet, here is her (s)hero telling a tit joke about herself to a room full of slavering males, and admitting there her main purpose these days is as a GOP T&A show.  How family values of her…

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