Ding. Freedom. Dong. Opportunity.
I realize most people would rather let 2011 quietly slip into the mists of memory and get on with life, but you’ll pardon me for taking a hangin’s-too-good-for-it stance; it really was a bastard of a year. In the spirit of very much letting the door hit the old sash-wearing cretin in the ass on his way out, I humbly submit my choice for Worst Of the 2011 Best Ofs. I haven’t actually read any other 2011 Best Ofs, but I can’t imagine I’d find a worthy challenger if I did.
The Huffington Post continues to overpay for content.
Freedom is one of the most important prerequisites of artistic excellence.
Yes. That’s the main reason—though not the only, to be sure—why Willow Smith is so much better than Billie Holiday.
2011 was distinctive for producing a number of critically acclaimed films that celebrated the history of the arts and of the cinema itself - from Martin Scorsese’s Hugo and Michel Hazanavicius’ The Artist, to Werner Herzog’s Cave of Forgotten Dreams and Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris.
Oh, totally distinctive! Because if there’s one thing filmmakers don’t do enough of, it’s crawl up their own asses and deliver product rife with self-congratulation, I mean celebrate the history of the arts and of the cinema itself. 2011: rectifyin’ shit!
Yet filmmaking never takes place in a vacuum, and these superb, literate films - which value knowledge, humanity, and civilization - are nonetheless the outgrowth of a free society, and would have had difficulty being made under circumstances of political tyranny.
Y’know what else is difficult to make under circumstances of political tyranny? Lotsa stuff, “a run for it” being the big one (ironic considering where your Nikes came from). But ya gotta love the writing style, it’s like if a ninth-grader was trying to get to second base with the Statue of Liberty.
It’s therefore worthwhile to celebrate the notable movies of 2011 that took the risk of advocating for democratic freedom, the political principle that makes so much film artistry possible.
The risk, yet! Remember how Soderbergh’s Representation is Bullshit swept the 2007 Oscars? No chance of a repeat this year!
Okay, enough of this. I apologize for not coming up with a more clever angle than rank sarcasm, but I’m tired, plus I’m not convinced the piece lends itself to anything but rank sarcasm. Let’s get to their list, because it’s great.
1) This is Not a Film - Jafar Panahi and Mojtaba Mirtahmasb, Iran
2) The Way Back - Peter Weir, U.S.
3) The Help - Tate Taylor, U.S.
Word on the street is it’s another one o’ them assuaging-white-guilt-in-the-worst-way-possible kinda deals, but you won’t hear me say a negative word about in in public; my chances of making out with Emma Stone are slim enough as it is.
4) Petition - Zhao Liang, China
5) The Red Chapel - Mads Brügger, Denmark
So far so not-so-bad-as-to-induce-nausea, right? Let’s pause here, because #6 really deserves the following drum roll:
BDBDBDBDBDBDBDBDBDBDBDBDB TSSS
Oh we have got to get some onomatopoeia standardization around here. Sorry if that threatens artistic freedom.
6) Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Michael Bay, U.S.
Yeah, really. Wait, I gotta put that down again, it just soars:
6) Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Michael Bay, U.S.
Lest anyone think I’m being snobbish here, let’s get one thing straight: My problem with the Transformers franchise is that it doesn’t hew closely enough to the original mythology as established on the back of the Hasbro packaging and what I remember from the cartoon. If they’d done it my way, it would make sense that Jazz is “black.” Also, Starscream? Nowhere near treacherous enough.
7) The Devil’s Double - Lee Tamahori, Belgium/Netherlands
8) The Lady - Luc Besson, United Kingdom/France
9) 5 Days of War - Renny Harlin, U.S.
Haven’t seen it, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that a film by the guy who seemingly peaked with Cliffhanger did not, in fact, recently craft a modern classic. I mean hey, Joel “Shoulda Stuck to Makin’ Shoes” Schumacher made Tigerland, so anything’s possible, but I like my odds.
10) Battle: Los Angeles - Jonathan Liebesman, U.S.
Obviously a ridiculous inclusion, but compared to Transformers it’s The Thin Red Line, so okay. Initially, I assumed these chumps were typical Huffington stock: liberal, dopey, and worthless, but worthless in the classic sense of adding nothing, not being a net negative—that’d be the fruit loops writing for HuffPo Living. Turns out I should’ve known who this Apuzzo guy was, he’s been around for a while. My bad, I saw that the co-authors were founders of the Libertas Film Festival, but Govindini Murty writes like she’s super-proficient in English as a second language (better than Apuzzo, in other words), so I figured the LFF name was more Euroweenie than pretentious jingoist. Totally flew over my head that it’s the same bunch Kung Fu Monkey left bleeding in a ditch years ago.
So yeah, used to write for Townhall.com? Color me fuckin’ floored that he can’t tell the difference between “advocates for democratic freedom” and “has Americans with machine guns in it.”
Oh, and while I’m calling somebody else a shitty critic, full disclosure: I’ve seen exactly one of the films on the list. Can you guess which? Of course you can.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/01/12 at 06:27 PM • Permalink
Categories: I Don't Know Much About Art, But I Know What I Like • Movies • Movie Reviews • Politics • Our Stupid Media •
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