Don’t Be Afraid . . . It’s Just GOP Outreach

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Well, it’s that time of the month, again.  Time to check the GOP corpse for post-autopsy vital signs (see RNC Growth and Opportunity Project).

Speaking of which, just this week, Prince Rebus had breakfast with the good folks of The Christian Science Monitor to celebrate the Autopsy’s one year anniversary [seriously!] and warned us to look out for a Republican Tsunami!!1! in the mid-term elections. 

Just think of this exuberant outburst as a semi-annual employee self-evaluation.  As chairman of the RNC, it is Reince’s charge to project a robust and manly confidence in his party’s prospects.

Right now, Mr Priebus must focus on 2014 but that doesn’t mean that the Chairman hasn’t spent considerable time and effort looking ahead to The Big One in 2016 and parsing the results of the 2012 presidential election.

Here are his startling findings:

. . . the fact of the matter is Mitt Romney won on the message. He won on jobs, he won on the economy, he won on the question of, ‘Who do you actually think would make a better president?‘ But where he lost was on the question of, ‘Who cares about you?’

Deliberately ignoring the dinosaur in the room, Mr Priebus probably figured it would be too much of a buzzkill to mention the BIG reason Willard lost:  “Why vote for an out of touch, old-school Republican plutocrat?”

I’m guessing though, that, somewhere deep inside his otherwise empty suit, he knows the truth and is struggling mightily to drag his broken down party closer to the 21st century. 

As with any visionary, however, Mr Priebus attracts his share of skepticism like, for instance,  that of Hrafnkell Haraldsson, of PoliticusUSA  who feels that the RNC’s efforts, so far, have been limited to building a “million dollar technology” to broadcast a “two bit message.”

Some might find that assessment harsh so I decided that the only fair thing to do was to investigate current iterations of “the message” and determine whether it is still “two bit” or getting better.

Hearkening back to the autopsy itself, you’ll remember that the point was made again and again that the GOP has to do a better job of communicating its awesome message to voters who just don’t seem to be getting it i.e., anyone who isn’t a gun-totin’, bible-thumpin’, freedom-lovin’ white male over 50.

So.  Let’s see how the message to the target demographics are evolving . . .

Poors:

This, of course, is Young Gun, Paul Ryan’s personal mission since time began.  Mr Ryan wants poors to succeed and be American.  And the answer is, evidently, “More Gumption” because if poors didn’t embrace the culture of laziness and dreamed, instead, of holding a real job—like congressman, for instance—they would pretty soon be rich, move out of the inner city, be less black and more happy.

And for those of you unemployed who are quickly becoming poors because you’re not out hustling for new jobs? Don’t expect any help from Paul Ryan because he specializes in “inner city poors” although you long-term unemployed have something in common with them—the Hammock, yo!  So, Ix-nay on the extended benefits.  Someday you’ll thank us and contribute to the RNC.

Wimmin:

It’s been a very busy week for GOP Wimmin Outreach. There’s a new Red State Women PAC for busy wimmin of The Loon Star State which has kicked-off considerable discussion about Equal Pay for Wimmin.  And the Republican consensus on this hot womancentric issue?  Definitely Not Necessary.

Only whiny Librul Wimmin even care about this because they’re not busy enough and only want to work ONE JOB!.  And if they weren’t such sluts they’d have baby-daddys who bring home the bacon and cherish their wimmin for home-schooling and ironing and such.  Who can put a price on such family-centric services?  Priceless, amirite?

If wimmin absolutely must go into the workforce, well then, they should learn how to negotiate like men and shut up about ever-lovin’ Lilly Ledbetter.  Let Uncle Sugar in on your paycheck and next thing you know he’ll be crawling under your duvet to see what you’re getting up to in there.

On an entirely different front, the ever-cunning Eric Cantor (R-VA) has come up with a totally awesome bi-partisan idea that’s sure to pack polling booths with gullible new Republican Wimmin voters—ready? construction of a “National Women’s History Museum” on or near the National Mall, no less.

Rush Limbaugh, the Other RNC Chairman, rushed to nix that idea because:

We already have, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know how many museums for women all over the country.  They are called malls.

Hyockhyockhyock.  Oh that Rush

The Unborn

You can always tell that Mitch McConnell is up for re-election when he dusts of his Senate 20-Week Abortion Ban.

Latinos

All of you natural-born-conservative Latinos will, of course, understand that when states require that you prove your citizenship before you vote? it’s only because every vote is sacred, in America, and we’re trying to root out the embarrassingly rampant voter fraud that plagues the Greatest Democracy on Earth every time we go to the polls.  It’s a miracle we ever get the Right people elected.

Also, conservative pundit, Ann Coulter, has some outreach-y thoughts on immigration reform bound to attract Latinos to the GOP Big Top:

Amnesty is forever and you got to vote for the Republicans one more time and just make it clear; but if you pass amnesty, that’s it, it’s over and then we organize the death squads for the people who wrecked America.

Immigration Reform? who needs it? If Immigration is reformed, more immigrants will just want in.

Oh! and the ninos? yeah, they’re automatic citizens, and all that, but that doesn’t mean you should run right out and sign ‘em up for frickin ObamaCare! think like a Republican.  We’re going to repeal that sucker as soon as some of you natural-conservatives get on board and elect us.  And our plan is tons better, just wait and see.


LGBT

Interesting developments here because, aside from the annual No Gayz Aloud CPAC kerfuffle, Republican politicians have gone dark on the pre-election anti-gay messages.

The void, however, has been amply filled by Republican surrogates doing overtime.  Just today, The American Family Association‘s boycott operation, One Million Moms, has called for the annihilation and utter damnation of Nabisco because of a Honey Maid ad that includes a gay family eating graham crackers.  OMM is “highly offended” by its (Honey Maid’s) “disrespect of millions of American families by supporting the homosexual agenda.”

Furthermore [there’s always a furthermore with these people]:

Honey Maid — and its parent company Nabisco — “should be ashamed of themselves” for their “attempt to normalize sin” by “pushing the LGBT agenda.”

Catholic League‘s Bill Donohue vows that he’s had his “last pint” of Guinness over the beer company’s withdrawn support because of NYC’s St Patricks Day Parade ban on LGBT groups.  Guinness shareholders should be very afraid.

God’s spokesman, Bryan Fischer reminds us that:

. . . anyone who holds public office is a “minister of God” with “a responsibility to use that authority in a manner that is consistent with the truth of God.” As such, any law that gives any sort of protection or equality to gays is a violation of that responsibility . . .

And old Papi Cruz shared that:

. . .  he opposes gay rights — which he believes are part of a Communist plot and lead to child abuse — because he loves gay people and does not want to “prostitute the Gospel.

So. OK.  Maybe Hrafnkell is right about the “million dollar platform for a two bit message.”

Keep trying, Reince.

Posted by Bette Noir on 03/20/14 at 12:04 PM • Permalink

Categories: PoliticsBqhatevwrElection '14Election '16

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Request commentary on the GOP outreach to Millennials, recently performed by the hipster dude in the tortoise-shell glasses and striped shirt, last seen putting 87 octane gas into a Audi A4.

@SoVeryConfused: Best as I can tell, GOP outreach to the Youngs consists of calling them idiots who brought the bad job market on themselves by voting for Obama - unless those Youngs are also Poors, in which case they’re lazy and refuse to take the awesome jobs that are always available. Oh, and also arguing that health care reform is going to make them broke, after arguing a few years ago that extending family policies to people in their twenties was coddling them.

I, too, am very confused.

Request commentary on the GOP outreach to Millennials, recently performed by the hipster dude in the tortoise-shell glasses and striped shirt, last seen putting 87 octane gas into a Audi A4.

Three months after mocking “Pajama Boy”, the GOP has found their own pajama boy.

The GOP’s message of hope…

“Vote for us, you stupid inferior untermenschen!  VOTE FOR US!”

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