Eek Week Day One: The Fiskening

***NOTE TO THOSE JAGOFFS WHO CAN ALWAYS BE COUNTED ON TO POP UP IN COMMENT THREADS ABOUT MOVIES AND BITCH ABOUT SPOILERS EVEN THOUGH WHAT YOU’RE READING ISN’T A REVIEW PER SE SO DUH OF COURSE MAJOR PLOT POINTS ARE BEING DISCUSSED AND PLUS YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN THIS SHIT YEARS AGO IF ITS YOUR CUP OF TEA SO I’M LIKE 98% SURE YOU’RE BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS FOR THE SAKE OF IT BUT ON THE OFF-CHANCE YOU’RE JUST HONEST-TO-GOD DUMB AS A STUMP: Spoiler alert.***

I was gonna hold off until Saturday to kick off Eek Week, a daily series wherein I celebrate all things horror and you just sort of nod politely and wait for someone to post something you give a shit about, but this is far too tempting. It was already dealt with here and a little bit here, but to my mind the author deserves a more thorough response, if only because, as opposed to most conservative pundits who opine on pop culture, he seems to actually enjoy some of it.

10 Horror Movies For Conservatives To Watch This Halloween
by John Hawkins

Halloween is almost upon us and you’re probably thinking, “Gee, wouldn’t it be great to kick back on the couch and rent a few conservative horror flicks for the big night?”

Well, no, I’m thinking “even though I put a premium on creativity and find the ever-growing trend among young women to use Halloween as an excuse to show off their bodies to be a lamentable one, God DAMN I’d like to hook up with some chick in a naughty kitty leotard,” but yeah, I’ll probably end up just watching a couple of movies, so point taken.

Here’s the problem: horror films aren’t family friendly. They’re gory, they’re violent, and they’re vulgar. Even setting that aside, there really aren’t very many “conservative” movies overall and there are almost no truly “conservative” horror flicks.

Now I’d like to turn things over to Stephen King, whose fiction ceased to be a must-read somewhere around the first half of The Tommyknockers, but who never stopped being the go-to guy when you want keen insights about the genre:

We also go to re-establish our feelings of essential normality; the horror movie is innately conservative, even reactionary. Freda Jackson as the horrible melting woman in DIE, MONSTER, DIE! confirms for us that no matter how far we may be removed from the beauty of a Robert Redford or a Diana Ross, we are still light-years from true ugliness.

Shit, that isn’t the quote I was looking for. I distinctly remember him making the case for the conservative nature of horror in terms of “the Other must be destroyed so we can go back to painting our IBM colonial’s deck,” but I’m not finding it anywhere, so he must’ve said it on the radio or something.

Look, I didn’t imagine it. If I was gonna put words in the guy’s mouth I’d rewrite It so that the resolution was a little less preadolescent-gangbang-centric.

Ah well, I’ll just forge ahead without backup. The thing about horror is, yes, the trappings are trangressive, but transgression is invariably a problem to be solved. As for the industry “overall?” C’mon, 99% of entertainment involves a drive toward status quo ante. That’s what conservative means.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, he’s got quotes around “conservative,” which means he’s clearly referring to “Republicanism circa the 21st Century,” not the textbook definition. Look, some nits gotta get reflexively picked, okay? Movin’ on.

Still, as a Right-Wing horror film aficionado, I can at least make a few solid recommendations that might have some extra-added appeal for conservatives.

All I got here is, it could’ve been made clearer that “Right-Wing” modifies “aficionado” and not “horror film,” and that “added appeal” already denotes “extra,” no need for the hyphenate. As far as political dorks who shoehorn their beliefs into essays ostensibly about horror movies go, so far this cat’s whupping David Sirota’s ass.

Cloverfield (2007): This is probably the best “giant-monster” film ever made.

Ah, there’s the specious claim I was waiting for. You’d be off-base saying that the second-best giant-monster movie ever made was the best giant-monster movie ever made, but for this amount of wrong, yo you gots to be a Townhall columnist.

The monster was well done, the scenes were creepy, and there was a certain realness and fundamental decency to the characters.

Now really. I love this flick, but the characters were quite obviously the weak link, in much the same way cancer is smoking’s pesky downside. If it weren’t for Lizzy Caplan the monster would’ve been the protagonist.

But see, New Yorkers? Conservatives don’t hate all of you. They’re big fans of vapid trustafarian diphits.

This is how you’d like to think ordinary people would react in a crisis.

***EARNESTNESS ALERT***

I’ll admit, I’m enormously appreciative of this take. The complaint most frequently lodged against Cloverfield was that those yuppies never would’ve stuck around Manhattan to save Beth if it wasn’t required by the plot. And that’s bullshit. We’re all on the same page that it’s a 9/11 allegory, right? Well, as a Hobokenite, I can state for the record that “thank God we’re over here” was not as common a sentiment that day as one might assume. Many if not most of us were almost physically leaning in its direction, we wanted to be in (with?) NYC so bad. Every bone in my body was telling me to go in and find people I frankly don’t care that much about, just because they’re my people, and I’m a huge wuss, so we’re talking about some kind of cellular override. I chalk the impulse up to the fact that, contra libertarians and creationists, evolution doesn’t see any tension between altruism and self-preservation, since it only cares about your kind and you, personally, can suck it.

Point being, we’ll risk everything for far less than a chance at banging Claudette Yustman.

Meanwhile, the military was in the thick of the action, bravely fighting against the Cloverfield monster and handling an impossible situation the best way they could. It was ultimately a grim movie, but once things started rolling, the film keeps you on the edge of your seat.

I’ve got no problem with this but since that’s no fun, WAY TO KEEP YOUR TENSES STRAIGHT, CAPTAIN TENSE AGREEMENT FAIL.

Alternate pick: The Host. It’s blatantly anti-American but as his next choice shows, he’ll find a way to get pretty much the opposite out of it.

The Dead Zone (1983): Christopher Walken is the lead in this Stephen King story about a deranged politician and the man who was willing to sacrifice everything to try to stop him from launching a nuclear war.

How does that go, the old adage about when a man’s paycheck depends upon him not knowing an overt stand-in for Reagan when he sees one? Something about not convincing him otherwise, right? So let’s skip this. It does give me a chance to try out my Walken impression, though, check it out:

Tha ICE. Is gonna BREAK.

Not bad, right? Ironically, not a great icebreaker.

Alternate Choice: Cronenberg’s The Fly. Not much of a message movie (“take the train,” maybe), but quoting its most famous line seems to be the only thing Republicans are any good at.

Only eight more! I now bid adieu to everyone who wasn’t assigned this blog post for class.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005): This is a cleverly written film that simultaneously treats Christian values respectfully, while leaving non-believers room to doubt.

Minor quibble: it’s actually a leaden piece of junk. Plus it embraces anti-intellectualism the way… uh… I dunno, the way conservatives embrace anti-intellectualism, I guess. A horror movie with the structure of a courtroom drama has potential, but not when the defense’s argument—treated with all the weight accorded Col. Jessup yelling “you’re Goddamn right I did!”—amounts to “well, you can’t prove my client wasn’t briefly operating as Lucifer’s skin-suit.”

It was also inspiringly creepy enough to convince me to actually read a distressing book on exorcisms called, The Dark Sacrament: True Stories of Modern-Day Demon Possession and Exorcism.

I bet he could get that distress down to a manageable level if he knew that, in publishing, “true” need only mean “reported,” it’s not, like, binding or anything.

Alternate pick: The Reaping. It’s just as crappy, plus it boasts the extra-added appeal of that most despicable of Catholic-horror tropes, the atheist who got that way by being really mad at God, not because the concept of an omnipotent being seems like kind of a stretch.

I’m gonna deal with the next two together for thematic reasons, and also so that you guys can make it to lacrosse practice on time.

The Exorcist (1973): This in one of the most genuinely disturbing movies that you’ll ever see and it’s not for the faint hearted. But, it does feature self-sacrificing priests who are fighting spiritually against true evil. That’s very rare for Hollywood, where members of the clergy are habitually treated as drunkards, hypocrites, perverts, and villains.

Well, I’d argue that Hollywood hasn’t caught up with the hideous reality, but okay, maybe we’ve seen radically different movies. Not to mention It’s one of those institutional vs. individual evil kinda deals, so I’d just as soon not get bogged down here.

The Fog (1980): This tale of woe visited upon the Northern California town of Antonio Bay because of the ignoble actions of their ancestors is chilling indeed. The brilliant timing of the movie, the sense of disquieting dread, and the remorseless approach of evil makes it a must watch film.

Now see, assuming this isn’t an ordered list, these two really shouldn’t appear back-to-back, seeing as how The Fog ends with hypocritical drunkard priest Hal Holbrooke saving the day by apologizing for the Church’s sins. Which he doesn’t, really, save the day I mean, but in the narrative sense it plays out like that. He finds redemption through self-sacrifice, yes, but by getting his balls back, not his faith.

You’ll note that this is the one entry he doesn’t even try to justify in terms of conservatism. I almost wonder if he wrote a big chunk trying to claim John Carpenter for the Right, and then, too close to deadline, tried to flesh out his thesis with a viewing of They Live, which would clear up any misconceptions rather definitively.

Gotta say, though, nowhere near enough people give The Fog the love it deserves. I’m warming up to this Hawkins fellow. I wonder what he thought of the rem…

Just a note: Don’t confuse this outstanding film with the execrable 2005 remake which was so bad that every existing copy should be buried at the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

Okay, I’m about to ask this guy out on a man-date. The next page better bring the fuckin’ stupid something fierce.

Alternate pick: Signs. Two-thirds admirably restrained ground-level alien invasion movie relying heavily on suggestion, one-sixth anti-atheist screed, one-sixth compelling argument that if you’re water-soluble you should probably ask somebody what blue means on a map before attempting planetwide subjugation. And back to what I was saying about The Reaping, ex-priest Mel Gibson actually tells God—and I quote—“I hate you” before realizing oh wait, that’s why you cut my wife in half? Well hey why didn’t you say so, Rube God-berg? Frock me I’m a theist!

The Mist (2007): A sinister story about a deadly government experiment and how quickly human beings can become primitive again when they’re isolated, alone, and in danger. Oh yeah, there are also weird monsters, a menacing mist, and a well-written Stephen King plotline. The ending is, ah—let’s just say, you don’t want to know how it ends until you see it.

Fuck, man, not only is he givin’ it up for a Cthulhoid gift-horse that people who claim to be bonafide horror geeks crawled into the mouth of with diagnostic tools and clipboards, he’s not even undermining his own premise by dismissing the film’s anti-euthanasia message! Sure, he’s whitewashing the fact that the true villain of the piece is a fundamentalist Christian and that the Arrowhead Project was specifically under the auspices of his beloved military, but I’ll cut him some slack on account of his willingness to RECOGNIZE.

Quarantine (2008): When zombies infected with super-rabies are trying to kill you and the government shows up, count on them to stand outside, picking their noses and trying to figure out what to do, while you struggle for survival. It’s a timely and true message: Don’t count on your government in a crisis. Also, don’t get trapped in a building with zombies. We shouldn’t forget that either.

Right out of the gate I feel duty-bound to slag him for not pointing out that Quarantine is an almost shot-for-shot remake of the Spanish film [REC], but that hardly seems fair since the filmmakers themselves make no mention of it on the DVD commentary, the scumbags. Still, he’s got it exactly backwards about the government response, which is brutally efficient, not incompetent; they don’t want anyone getting out. Hence the title.

Crap, now Hawkins’ll think it’s a liberal movie about Katrina.

Alternate pick: La Culpa. Also from Spain, this “Pelicula Para No Dormir” is an odious bit of pro-life propaganda. Final image: the lead curled up in the fetal position, crying “I want to live!” Not heavy-handed enough for ya? Well, good, otherwise superimposing the image of an embryo over her body as the screen fades to black might’ve been a little much.

For the record, I dormired just fine. But I wasn’t being aborted at the time, so I would, wouldn’t I?

Re-Animator (1985): This movie is little funny, a little macabre, and a little gory. Somewhere in there is also a message about the perils of playing God with human life. That’s a message that’s all too timely given some of the morality free experiments scientists across the world are working on.

Okay, Mary Kay Commando, let’s just accept “morality free” in the interest of keeping this from getting any punishingly long-er. “All too timely?” Since the publication of Frankenstein, you mean? The book about playing God that referenced the Prometheus myth in its subtitle? Yeah, the message is timely all of a sudden.

Alternate pick: Frankenstein/Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein double feature. Just to hammer home the conservative article of faith that the old ways were better, even if the director was a big fag.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991): Fundamentally decent FBI agents match wits with one of the great horror villains of all-time, Hannibal Lecter, in an attempt to stop a serial killer. This isn’t as pure a horror flick as some of the other films on the list, but it will keep you riveted to the screen.

I guess “fundamentally decent” is interchangeable with “conservative” for Hawkins’ purposes, which is deeply retarded, but whatever, I can’t get all worked up over winger boilerplate. I’m just impressed he’s drawing the fine distinction which escapes so many, which is that it’s technically a procedural, a thriller at most. In a true horror film, Jame Gumb wouldn’t have a motivation to suss out, he’d just wear the boob-shirt and you could draw whatever conclusion you want. Plus he’d be effectively bulletproof and that moth he puts in corpses’ throats would be some kind of bioengineered zombie puppeteer thingamabob. Holy shit, how awesome would that movie be, seriously.

No doubt in my mind, this Hawkins guy’s a legit geek. I’ve gotta size up my targets better in the future. Or pray for Sirota to catch Sasquatch fever.

Alternate pick: Hannibal Rising. Pure coincidence that they’re related; it’s my standard punishment for anyone who voted for Bush in 2004. Too cruel, you say? Thousands of dead Iraqis would disagree. They’d say make ‘em watch it twice.

The Tripper (2007): This movie is meant to be a slap at Ronald Reagan and conservatives.

See, here I’m torn. You’ve gotta be a pretty hardcore horror fan just to know this thing exists. On the other hand, a hardcore horror fan would know that it shouldn’t.

In a couple of spots near the end of the movie, it does manage to grate conservative sensibilities.

Sight and hearing, not heretofore known to be conservative sensibilities.

However, that mild annoyance does not to detract from the sweet, sweet joy of watching a guy in a Ronald Reagan mask taking an ax to dirty, drug addled hippies throughout the movie.

Phew! Violent ideation, that’s a bromance-killer for me; mancrush dissipated, and with just one sentence to go. The guy knows how to maintain suspense through pacing, I’ll give him that.

If a conservative had made this movie, instead of David Arquette, liberals would be calling it a “hate crime.”

Now that’s just not fair. I harbor some minor reservations about the implications of hate-crime laws; if David Arquette is constitutionally guaranteed the right to make movies, I say pass the scissors and a Bic.

Aternate pick: Silent Night, Deadly Night. The killer wears the guise of Santa Claus, not Ronald Reagan, but I’m pretty sure conservatives can’t tell the difference anymore.

Okay, so that’s it. Would’ve liked to have been meaner and less cognizant of my and Hawkins’ shared humanity, but whaddaya want from me, he digs The Fog. Jokes aside, I imagine he’d be pretty cool to hang out with, and I could even see myself having a civil debate with him about his sick, twisted belief system.

No, I mean believing Emily Rose is a good movie.

Check back tomorrow for Day Two of Eek Week… if there’s nothing going on and you’re desperate for something, anything, to read! AH HAHA… no, wait, I mean if you dare! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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