EXCLUSIVE: McCain Campaign Memo to Charlie Gibson of ABC News

To: Charles Gibson, ABC News
From: Rick Davis, McCain Campaign Manager
Subject: Upcoming interview with Governor Palin

Charlie, as we discussed, this interview is granted only on the condition that you treat Governor Palin with respect and deference. As a reminder, we’re granting access to the governor over a series of interviews; if you launch into a hatchet job like you and your pal Stephanopolis pulled on Obama during one of the final Clinton-Obama debates (check’s in the mail), you’ll find your access denied. Remember – we’ve always got Fox News.

Anyway, to help acclimate you to your new role as McCain campaign surrogate, here is a list of pre-approved questions for use in your upcoming interview. Please stick to the script:

Governor, the McCain campaign, which has consistently battled the scurrilous sexism of the left-wing media, declined to allow this interview until you were “comfortable.” Are you comfortable now? Would you like a blanket? Can I bring you some lemonade?

Governor, I’m going to ask you a question that’s of utmost importance to all Americans: Is John McCain as heroic and mavericky in person as he is on TV?

There’s a controversy surrounding one of aspect of your life in Alaska, America’s mavericky frontier. Please settle it for us once and for all – do you like A1 Steak Sauce or Heinz 57 on mooseburgers?

Governor, every American man, woman and child was riveted by John McCain’s war stories and account of his life as a POW during the recent Republican National Convention. As we all know, he’s very reluctant to talk about that aspect of his life. In fact, it’s been reported that campaign operatives have to beat President McCain (heh, I mean Presidential Candidate McCain, heh) with bamboo sticks to compel him to talk about his war experiences – he’s that reluctant to discuss them. What is your favorite McCain imprisonment or war story?

Another controversy that has been widely reported in the far-left media concerns your disposal of a state-owned jet when you took office as governor. Can you detail your plan to auction Air Force Two on eBay and wipe out the national debt when you become Vice President?

Governor, the American people are fed up with pork-barrel spending and government waste. As we all know, you heroically told congress to stick those Bridge to Nowhere funds where the sun don’t shine and cleaned up government operations in Alaska. A two-part question on that: How does it feel to co-lead a revolution in government with a mavericky war hero? Secondly, what steps will you and President McCain take to ensure the Democrats don’t once again seize power and run up deficit spending?

As you know, Barack Obama’s baby mama has been a controversial figure, making statements on the campaign trail that some have interpreted as the loony blather of a wild-eyed black nationalist. I’d like a one-word answer to this question: Have you always been proud to be an American?

Possible Black Panther Michelle Obama has some interesting associations in her past life. So does your husband, Todd Palin. Can you tell us about his ties to the snowmobile racing circuit?

Governor, you’ve been subjected to the most base, disgusting speculation in the Marxist media that dominates this country. We’ve witnessed the most indecent invasion of a politician’s private life in the history of the United States. To close our interview, I’d like to make a symbolic gesture of atonement as an American journalist, a gesture that will be familiar to hockey moms – and pit bulls – nationwide. As you see, I’ve brought a special “McCain-Palin” hockey stick with me. As I stand here before you in a Larry Craig wide stance, please take this hockey stick and hit me in the nuts with it as hard as you can. C’mon Governor, give it your best shot.

Charlie, please don’t worry about the last part of the script. As you know, your testicles are safely in the possession of the McCain campaign as a condition of our granting you this exclusive interview, so it won’t hurt a bit. Best of luck with the interview, and as I mentioned, the check’s in the mail.

[Cross-posted at Betty Cracker]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 09/08/08 at 07:46 AM • Permalink

I’m not sure America is prepared to watch a network journalist perform submissive urination in front of a woman dressed in an Eskimo parka.

Then again, now that I think of it, there may be big series potential in that.

Effing BRILLIANT post, Betty. You should get some kind of award for that. I have tears in my eyes. However, you left out, “If you were a tree, what kind would you be?”

And speaking of Charlie “Journalistic Integrity Is for Losers” Gibson and Sen. McCain, please, dear Rumproast readers, join me in my campaign to BAN the mainstream press/media from ever using the word “maverick” again.

Excellent again Betty. 
I would just like to add another question for Gibson to ask: “Since you are an authority on the subject I will trust your answer unquestioningly; is it true the sun revolves around the earth?”

Charlie Gibson has testicles ? Who knew , I’ve certainly never seen them in evidence , at least while he’s interviewing his fellow wingnuts.
Why didn’t they just let Karl Rove do the interview and be done with the pretense?

Great point, Speedy, though probably anyone from Fox would do.

Brilliant, Betty! It’s funny ‘cause it’s true...(Homer Simpson voice)