Fake Anime Eyes: Another Reason Why God Must Work Harder to Make Me Reject Science

Like millions of other virile American farm-boys, my sexual awakening was triggered by a chance encounter with a Margaret Keane harlequin print hanging next to the fake Spanish sconce in a discount department store “living room” display.

For the next 45 years, I searched in vain for a real-world woman with irises the size of a Kennedy half-dollar, to no avail…eventually closing out my “wilding” years wifeless, childless and alone.

Naturally, now that you couldn’t pump me up with a glass of Jack and a can of Fix-A-Flat, some ingenious rat-bastard has invented contact lenses that instantly transform any waif-like life-form into All Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku.

But don’t pity me. I got to watch the Moon Landing on live TV, I once touched George Reeves’ Superman costume and I “married” the Mayor of Chengde, Inner Mongolia in exchange for a carton of cigarettes and a free ride to the Hanging Monastery at Hengshan, so it’s not like I haven’t lived. It just would have been nice if Reagan had spent a little less money on “Star Wars” weapon systems and a little more on Big-Eye Kitsch Actualization Technology.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 09/06/10 at 01:25 PM • Permalink

Categories: Geek Speak • Messylaneous • News •

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Like millions of other virile American farm-boys,

I stopped reading right there.

Is it safe to carry on?

Comment by YAFB on 09/06/10 at 01:34 PM

Probably not, unless you too were raised in the Land of the Whispering Cobs.

Comment by StrangeAppar8us on 09/06/10 at 01:40 PM

Masters & Johnson have a lot to answer for.

Comment by YAFB on 09/06/10 at 01:44 PM

WTF is the matter with you, Strange? What is that thing staring back at me? I almost jumped off my chair.

Comment by roshan on 09/06/10 at 02:10 PM

@roshan—Something tells me you don’t own any black velvet art, Toreador paintings or Mobile Suit Gundam figurines.

Comment by StrangeAppar8us on 09/06/10 at 02:16 PM

Btw, Balloon-juice seems to be out of juice today, melancholy abounds. Give them a visit, see if you can cheer those folks up.

Comment by roshan on 09/06/10 at 02:40 PM

Anyone who wants to get the look and win Strange Apparatus’ wizened, barely beating heart can always follow Michelle’s tutorial on anime eyes if you don’t want to shell out for contacts.

But her Lady Gaga/Bad Romance tutorial gets some really, umm, pumped up effects, too. She shows you how to put in the circle lenses and how to map your face for the final computer tweaking.

(I am very low maintenance and almost never wear makeup, but I’m fascinated by Michelle’s makeup tutorials. She seems like a sweet kid.)

Comment by Comrade Mary on 09/06/10 at 02:42 PM

Contact lenses. Thank goodness. I thought it was going to be some trendy eyelid surgical procedure to make your eyes look bigger.

Comment by Frank Stone on 09/06/10 at 03:00 PM

{Wanders in, looks around, thinks “It’s a Blade Runner dream sequence!’, freaks, runs out…}

Comment by meepmeep09 on 09/06/10 at 04:07 PM

Ah Strange, if only you had been to visit my Aunt Florence’s owl and Keane child-adorned powder room. You’d have searched the world over for a refuge from the imploring gaze, the swirling vortex of need, radiating from the great muddy orbs that stared, stared, into the secret places in the psyches of anybody stumbling in seeking no more than a Kleenex or to comb their hair.

Comment by Mrs. Polly on 09/06/10 at 04:53 PM

Mrs. Polly, I do hope this powder room also included the toilet-paper cozy-doll—you know, the doll with the crocheted skirt covering the extra roll of TP. Because the last thing we want is someone in dire need of toilet tissue to be able to locate it immediately—better they play guessing games or just flat-out improvise!

(Also, I’ve always wanted to go as the toilet-paper cozy-doll for Halloween, but I’m pretty sure nobody would get it.)