Food prøn: San Andreas Fault edition

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So a friend told me about this cheesecake recipe that not only produces a great-tasting cheesecake but contains instructions that allegedly banish the pesky cheesecake cracking problem forever! You just leave it in the oven to cool, and no cracks—guaranteed! Only mine has the Grand Fucking Canyon right down the middle. Oh well. As long as it tastes good, I don’t give a damn.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 09/29/09 at 03:45 PM • Permalink

Categories: Food

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The first person to make a vagina joke is going to pay dearly.

Humboldt, I’m looking at you.

I’d hit it

Ha! You dirty-minded bastids! I knew you’d go there.

Ha! You dirty-minded bastids! I knew you’d go there.

Me? I was just unleashing a preemptive warning as a staunch feminist. Len is the one who WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR CHEESECAKE!

I will simply reference the title of this posting and claim Betty Cracker made me do it.

Betty Cracker made me do it

She is all-powerful.  She places spiders on the pope.

And she has an amazing Brazilian…


...cheesecake

I’d hit it

I thought you already had.

I’m sorry, but if the first thought that comes to your mind when you see that photo is a vagina I fear there is little help for you. I for one, am shocked at the sexism contained in those thoughts, that somehow just because it was made by a woman, doing her God-sanctioned womanly duties, does not mean we have to read into it these sorts of sick, perverted sexual references. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. What will Phyllis Schlafly say? Sarah? Are you there Sarah? We need you, Stat!

What took Humboldt so long to comment? I’m thinking the degenerate was busy in his bunk with his laptop.

I’d hit it
Comment by justlen on 09/29/09 at 05:07 PM

Is there anything you wouldn’t hit?

[I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day]

I love cheesecake and I make them often. Usually if they’re for company or a carry-in dinner, they crack. If they’re just for family, they look like a photo from a cookbook.

Camouflage it with a heap of chopped hazelnuts and drizzle with caramel and no one will be the wiser. ;-)

Okay, here’s how to make a cheesecake without cracks: bake it in a hot water bath (bain marie).

Basically, you pour boiling water into a ovenproof container that is bigger than your springform pan, so that it comes about halfway up the side of the pan. To prevent water from leaking into the cake pan, cover the outside with two layers of heavy-duty foil (trust me, you’ll want to do this no matter how sure you are that your pan is leakproof). You’ll have to bake the cake a bit longer because of the effect of the water bath, which heats (and then cools) the filling more slowly and evenly, which is what prevents cracks.

Here’s a basic recipe, but it’s easy to adapt to your favorite one: http://www.the-hip-homemaker.com/perfect-cheesecake.html.

Comment by Judas Peckerwood on 09/29/09 at 07:00 PM

Ah, I see you made a lovely Joe the Plunger Jockey cake.

Decorative and tasty fruit topping?  I’m pretty sure that’s why someone invented cherry cheesecake.

The thought did not even flicker across my cortex—REALLY—until I saw Kevin’s comment, you dirty-minded blogger! (And this from a woman who just wrote a post on why women have sex. Be sure to take the quiz! ; )

So, Betty, was it finger-linking good? (The CHEESECAKE, people, the cheesecake!)

Comment by J. on 09/30/09 at 07:56 AM

I scored a whopping 64% on that quiz. I guess I should stick to cheesecake.

Don’t feel too badly, Justlen. You scored better than most people I know, including some women.

I thought “Good lord, Georgia O’Keefe pie” (in Cartman voice, naturally) before even reading the heading and comments. That’s some powerful baking juju there, Betty. I’m almost afraid to ask: graham cracker crust?

justlen - I got 18% on the quiz and I’m female.  Maybe that explains why my marriages didn’t work out.  :D

I’m almost afraid to ask: graham cracker crust?

Yes. It turned out pretty well.

18%? Wow, I feel like Smoove B now.

http://homepages.theonion.com/PersonalPages/sB/

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