Good Guys, Bad Guys and Freaking Idiots: A New Gun Proposal
While most of us were hoisting a cerveza to celebrate Cinco de Mayo [or Cinco de Mao, if you prefer], this weekend, the NRA was hosting its annual member shindig in Houston, TX. Because the NRA is all about selling guns, ammo, gun accessories, gun paraphernalia, gun books, gun art, gun everything the George R. Brown Convention Center was packed with the people who make and sell all of those things and the peaceful, law-abiding responsible citizens who buy them for peaceful, law-abiding, gun-loving fun, utility and sport.
By now, we’re all pretty familiar with the notion that there are two kinds of gun owners/users: good guys and bad guys. And, according to the NRA, there’s nothing much we can do about the bad guys except outnumber and outgun them . . . and keep our heads down and our kids inside when the firing commences.
The NRA doesn’t actually endorse shootouts in the streets of America’s towns and cities, they just expect them, and therefore they want all Americans to own the firepower necessary to stay alive in 21st century America. Children should have guns. Nuns should have guns. Hookers should definitely have guns—in fact, all God’s women should have guns. Nerdy guys, conspiracy theorists, neighbors, teachers, clergymen and pizza delivery guys should all have guns so that fewer of them die at the hands of “bad guys.” Even lying socialist Lie-bruls should have guns [and then maybe they’‘d wise up?]. Limiting access to guns won’t help because the bad guys will always be able to get them, therefore the good guys needs mo’ gunz!!
Because it seems inevitable that guns are in our future, in a big way, I’m concerned that perhaps the NRA bad guy vs. good guy profile of gun-owners is a little too simplistic and, perhaps, we need to expand it a bit to take in all possibilities. I’m proposing this breakdown: bad guys, good guys, freaking idiots.
I’d also like to propose that instead of expanded background checks, Congress should consider IQ and EQ (a test for emotional maturity) testing for gun permits. Now, I know that this will be an equally hard sell to the NRA because some percentage of gun manufacturers’ market share is clearly Freaking Idiots and, if my proposal were adopted, gun manufacturer profits could plummet. The upside would be that we wouldn’t have four-year-olds receiving rifles for their birthday, or folks firing off 8,000 rounds to get a stiffie on a Sunday, or people killing their own kids while: cleaning, sighting, pretending to be James Bond or practicing their quick draw.
There’s even evidence that the NRA might be ready for some version of my proposal. I give you Exhibit A [from this week’s annual meeting]:
That is “Rocky” [I could swear he looks like somebody famous? . . . but it isn’t Sly Stallone] one of this year’s “hot items” on the exhibitor floor at the NRA Annual Meeting. “Rocky” is what is known, in the trade, as a bleeding zombie target.
I’ll let Zombie Industries describe their own product:
Our Zombie targets are life-sized; three-dimensional tactical mannequins that “bleed” when you shoot them, using Zombie Industries’ Patent Pending proprietary technology.
Each Zombie is manufactured in the USA and is hand painted to accurately resemble an infected human that just finished gnawing your neighbor Zed’s leg, to give you that realistic look so you really feel the hate. What makes our Zombie’s so special? They’re filled with biodegradable matter, which makes clean up a wee-bit easier…(are you happy, mom?) …and oh yah, let’s not forget, they bleed and burst into little pieces of blood soaked, Zombie matter when you shoot them!
Ah yes! “So you really feel the hate . . .” and, if you get tired of hating on Rocky? well, Zombie Industries has oh so much more: there’s The Jihadist, the Nazi, for the geezers and, for those still suffering from a less-than-amicable breakup there’s The Ex [comes in female only, at this time; guess ZI doesn’t think it’s female customers want to blow up their exes?]. What better way to manage one’s anger than to riddle a lifelike, gore-spewing model of one’s enemy with bullets?
Evidently, the NRA sees this stuff as “all-American fun for the family” except for the Obama “Rocky” model which they discreetly asked the ZI exhibit manager to “lose” for the show (see the gap in the display, top photo).
Buzz Feed covered that covert operation:
“Someone from the NRA came by and asked us to remove it” a Zombie Industries booth worker told BuzzFeed in hushed tones. “They thought it looked too much like President Obama.”
When asked if the Obama likeness was intentional the worker said, “Let’s just say I gave my Republican father one for Christmas.”
“They are just scared some liberal reporter will come by and start bitching” another booth worker said to men gathered around the booth.
As your Wonkette points out, that is uncharacteristically 1st Amendment-incorrect behavior on the part of the NRA. Maybe the strain is starting to wear on them, too?
[Hell, it’s not racist!!1! the guy’s GREEN, for Pete’s sake!]
The Vampire Obama, below, featured a few booths down from the zombies, escaped the purge. I guess, since it doesn’t eviscerate, it’s OK? The stake, BTW, contains an actual silver bullet [how lifelike].
Now, I know that I’m going to be hearing from lots of angry Freaking Idiots about this post but, sorry in advance, I think there’s something wrong with people who get off on this kind of stuff and I’d feel safer if they didn’t have guns. People who buy this stuff and get off on shooting it up are not hunters, not people who see a gun as a tool necessary to their day-to-day life, or people interested in protecting themselves and their loved ones. They are seriously weird people, with weird proclivities and a need to act out their weird fantasies. They’re Freaking Idiots. And a background check isn’t going to catch that, they’re not certifiable—they’re just immature, low-intelligence, mouth-breathing idiots.
Now, I’m sure, if asked, the NRA would say “oh those kinds of people are such a small percentage of gun-owners” . . . but, from my perspective, you can get a bead on a market by looking at the marketing that targets it and there’s a LOT of idiotic stuff being marketed to gun buyers.
In closing, I’d like you to just watch this short video, of a responsible gun-owner having fun with his son while doing a little free-lance product testing of the Zombie Bleeding target. It’s the same Zombie target, as the one at the top, but this Freaking Idiot doesn’t sugarcoat things—he’s renamed his “Barry.” The most amazing part is that, after the “Barry” falls over [because it’s not mounted as the manufacturer intended], he props it against what looks like an iron pipe frame and shoots at it with a shotgun from close range, with a toddler in tow, and mentions “I need to aim away from that pipe. This guy shouldn’t have access to weapons, let alone a kid.
Categories: I Don't Know Much About Art, But I Know What I Like • Politics • Bedwetters • Nutters •