Gun Proponents Vent about Control Efforts, Target New Supporters with “Gun Appreciation Day”
For Immediate Release*
SMALLWOOD, TEXAS (January 8, 2013) – A gun rights organization called the Society of Heavily Armed Resistance Troopers (SHART) wants Americans to remember that not all the victims of last month’s mass shooting were angelic first graders and dedicated educators now mourned by their bereaved families, friends and a shaken nation: Gun owners are also “collateral damage” of the shooting spree, says Flint Capp, SHART’s regional coordinator.
“As soon as we laid eyes on Obama, we knew he was coming for our guns, even after he signed legislation to expand carry permits into federal lands. Well, now he’s busted,” Capp opined. “Gun Grabber Biden is coming up with plans to collect our personal property, and Gabby Giffords is in Connecticut whining about someone shooting her in the head as if SHE’S the only one who has ever suffered.”
“What about those of us who have lived in the shadow of eminent seizure of our guns for nearly four years and must now lock and load for another four?” Capp asked. “Getting shot in the head takes less than a millisecond when a bullet is fired at point-blank range from a 9mm Glock 19 semi-automatic pistol. Compare that to eight years of stark terror!”
While SHART members remain convinced that gun owners should be acknowledged as “unventilated co-victims” of the nation’s tragic spate of shooting rampages, the group’s leaders cite PR issues as the primary obstacle to gaining the widespread public sympathy they crave:
“God bless Wayne,” Capp said, referring to NRA executive Wayne LaPierre, whose post-Newtown press briefing was widely panned. “His heart was in the right place, but he went about it all wrong. We need to accentuate the positive.
“You can’t spell either ‘fun” or ‘gun’ without a ‘u’ and an ‘n,’ and I mean the English alphabet letters, not the global gun grabbers in New York City. Anyway, Wayne had a chance to put the ‘fun’ back in gun ownership and shooting, and he totally missed the boat on that.”
To address the perceived lack of positive energy on the issue, SHART is one of several pro-gun groups supporting “National Gun Appreciation Day,” emulating the “Chik-Fil-A Appreciation Day” event, during which conservatives ordered boxes of dead, deep-fried birds with a side of homophobia to celebrate the fast-food purveyor’s anti-gay activism. “National Gun Appreciation Day” is timed to kick off the upcoming Presidential Inauguration weekend.
Asked if the timing of the pro-gun bonanza might open supporting groups up to charges of insensitivity, particularly considering the tragic history of politically motivated violence and assassinations in the US, Capp responded with a resounding negative:
“Hell, no, and we need to double-tap all that whiny PC crap,” he scoffed. “I hear Medgar Evers’ widow is giving the invocation. If it wasn’t for guns, no one would even know who the hell she is, and now she’s almost as famous as Honey Boo Boo.
“National Gun Appreciation Day will be a blast,” Capp promised.
[X-posted at Balloon Juice]
*ETA: “Gun Appreciation Day” is really a thing. “SHART” and the rest are fake. (Acronym change H/T: Catclub)