Have Yourself a Merry Little Oblivion

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In a tradition that started at Rumproast several years ago, I like to wind up the year in blogging by saying a hearty “fuck off!” to five people / trends / things that really need to go away in the coming New Year and invite readers to add their own picks and thoughts.

The competition is fierce every year, but I’m not sure I’ve ever contemplated such a worthy roster of candidates as confronts us here in late 2012. But here goes:

1. Everyone named “Bush.” No Jeb! No George P. Bush. No one else with the last name “Bush” should be discussed in connection with an elected office in the US, ever again. This includes people named Bush who are not actually related to George W. Bush. That’s not fair, but tough shit. No more Bushes. The band “Bush” can stay, though.

2. The expression “baby bump.” I don’t know who started this, but I suspect it was someone like the insufferable Tina Brown. Well, enough, goddamn it. It’s bad enough to discuss royal uteri and celebrity fecundity as if it were even remotely important to anyone but the principals involved without resorting to infantile verbiage.

3. Donald Trump. Has any single earthling who was not a genuine murderous despot ever cried out for an extinction-level asteroid strike as self-importantly, relentlessly and absurdly as Trump? Whether he’s trying to bully Scotsmen or injecting himself into US politics or pimping blatantly racist birther conspiracy theories, Trump is an embarrassment to the human race, and his mug should disappear from my teevee. Forever.

4. The Tea Party. It was never anything more than a Koch-funded rebranding campaign to mitigate the damage to the GOP’s image wrought by walking disaster George W. Bush. But pundits and political operators who should know better still persist in treating it as a genuine grassroots movement. Well, enough of that bullshit. Let’s see no more Gadsden flags, faux Colonial breeches and tricorn hats in 2013.

5. Camille Paglia. This “crassly egocentric, raving twit” should have had the good grace to slink off into oblivion forever when the late, great Molly Ivins laid the definitive smack-down [PDF link] on her more than 20 years ago. And yet she persists. Fuck off, already.

Who / what else should kindly fuck the fuck off in 2013?

[X-posted at Balloon Juice]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/12/12 at 01:22 PM • Permalink

Categories: Messylaneous

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$arah Palin.  No more coverage, no more quotes, we don’t want to know who she grifted out of speaking fees, what her next book is about or what her idiot children are up to.  Fuck off to obscurity.  Please.

Todd Akin, Peter King, that fuckwit lady congressperson from North Carolina, Bachmann, Hannity, anyone named Palin, NOM, OMM, AFP, cocksuckers, Walker, Ryan, McCain, Graham, Ayotte, Debra Saunders (Tom Hilton used to rip her teabagging bullshit apart on a regular basis, in fact Tom Hilton DOES NOT BLOG ENOUGH!), Douchey, date rape-guy and that blonde lady on FOX morning show, Gary Bettman, the BCS, the NCAA the SEC, the motherfucking Pope, the entire roster of American bishops, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas, Georgia, Kentucky, Florida, Arkansas, Louisiana, Missouri, South Carolina, Virginia (guwess I already said the SEC) and people who don’t stop by the motherfucking bank and withdraw cash but instead rely upon using those motherfucking debit/credit card machines to PURCHASE $3.56 WORTH OF GOODS AT THE LOCAL MARKET!

I had a list, but HB used up all the remaining slots…..

Well, no; maybe just one more:  Bill O’Reilly really needs to well and truly fuck off.

people who don’t stop by the motherfucking bank and withdraw cash but instead rely upon using those motherfucking debit/credit card machines to PURCHASE $3.56 WORTH OF GOODS AT THE LOCAL MARKET!

Now see, I disagree with you there, HB: Swiping a card is pretty quick, and I don’t hesitate for a moment to use a debit card to buy a cup of coffee. But people who still hold up the grocery line writing goddamn checks should get the fuck out of the 21st century already!

Definitely John McCain… d00d, you’ve had your fifteen minutes and then some, now YOU get offa MY lawn!

Andrew Breitbart… I wish that guy would just disappear.  Wait, he did

Peter Jackson… before anyone “flames” me, that union busting asshole is squeezing three goddamn movies out of one book?  To Mordor with that money-grubbing bastid.  And to think, I loved Heavenly Creatures.

Oh, and the Koch brothers… Chuck and Dave, you assholes, you blew an investment of hundreds of millions of dollars, an investment which would have helped you steal billions more from the public till.  Please, you global-warming-denying assholes, time to die, so that the planet can live.

Psy. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s time to bring on the next Internet sensation.

I’d be happy to see the end of several Web post/comment crutchphrases like “feature not a bug” and “sexytime.”

Virginia

Hey, fuck you too, buddy!

Here’s my fucking list:

1. Rush Limbaugh.  I know, I know, he’s not exactly a boutique choice, but to this day, I still can’t think of a bigger oozing sore on the body politic than that vile sludge pump.  Rush, please, jump straight up your own asshole.

2. Eric Cantor, my Congressman.  There are a thousand other reasons you suck out loud, Rep. Cantor, but I will never, ever forgive you for strangling Hurricane Irene relief funds to your own fucking constituents just to make the President miserable and to try to score points with your demented base that doesn’t actually like you, anyway.  Take a long fucking walk off a short fucking pier, and hug a fucking squid.

3. Dan Fucking Snyder.  I am having a very hard time enjoying the ‘Skins late-season rally, because I spend most of the time between games wondering how you are inevitably going to fuck everything up once again.  You are the perfect embodiment of everything wrong with the NFL, if not American capitalism in general.  Please go Galt, and soon, you horrible wad of fuck.

4. Christmastime craft beer.  My beer does not need notes of pine, chocolate, and cinnamon in it.  Nor do I need to receive barrels of the shit every fucking Christmas.

5. End-of-year reflection and analysis.  My life is a layered sheet cake of victory and excellence, with awesome frosting.  Just because everyone else seems to be in the steely grip of pre-New Year’s existential crises, dealing with it through the arbitrary organization of healthy chaos into cloying listicles and glitter-pen journal entries, doesn’t mean I should have to waste my beautiful mind on something like that.  Fuck off, self-awareness, I’m trying to party over here, and you’re no fucking fun.

To repeat what I said at BJ:

“These are not necessarily in any particular order:

1. Bryan Fischer
2. David Gregory
3. John McCain
4. Eric Cantor
5. Donald Trump
6. Donald Trump (because one fuck off just isn’t enough)”

Plenty of others but these were the first to come to mind today.  Limbaugh should really be there too.  And all the little weasels from BigDeadBreitbart.  And Karl Rove. And, and . . . ;-)

Newt Gingrich. ‘Nuff said.

Bette Noir’s All-Girl-Revue:

1. Ann Coulter
2. Michelle Malkin
3. Mary Matalin
4. Ann Romney
5. Lindsey Graham

I would like Rick Santorum to go away for four years, but then re-emerge in time to be the GOP nominee for 2016.

At this point, I would like to comment on my future plans for popcorn, but I think that type of ending statement is what Xecky had in mind.

Ronald Reagan

5. Lindsey Graham

Comment by Bette Noir on 12/12/12 at 06:12 PM

Heh.

Whoever is showing the creepy colorized version of Miracle on 34th Street over and over on AMC.  If I wanted to see everything in sepia I’d try Instagram.

Also, Gary Bettman.

. . . and Ted fucking Nugent.  He may procede to muzzle-loader, semi and fully automatic with tactical mount fuck off, or be in jail by this time next year. 

Chuck Norris and his walker can round house kick to the head fuck off. 

The confederate flag can fuck off.  You lost.

The asshole in the jacked up truck who pulls out in front of me because he was homeschooled by his idiot parents and isn’t aware of physics of trying to stop a truck with forty thousand pounds of gravel in it that is inches from eating his dumbass ridiculous monster truck with an actual monster of a truck and who nearly won a trip to the fucking morgue in a garbage bag with his fucking confederate flag and his fucking phone embedded in his head can . . . oh, I dunno, also fuck off.

Papa John can fuck off.  If he doesn’t in thirty minutes, its free.

I hate to spoil the spirit of the season, but as a longstanding Blingeefiteuse of Inanity Jane’s, I should miss her terribly if she were to shut her yap and take up something respectable, like cheese-mongering.

I ask you, from the mooks and mugs we have left to work with, where are we ever to find such choice material?

The above is me, Mrs. Polly, not Strange. I’m on his computer at present, and too tired to figure out which tab I should have logged in on.

And now, back to the Annual F. O. party!

Strange says, “One more thing, Mrs. P: more Palin fireworks just got their fuses lit. Talk about a poor Track record!”

OK Palins, OK all-the-rest-of-America. If you two can’t stop bickering, I’m going to have to separate you.

I would pay good money to watch bowling balls be shoved down the throats of:

Donald Trump
Orly Taitz
Paul Ryan
Joesph Farah
Jerome Corsi.
Joe Arpaio.

MICHELLE FUCKING BACHMANN!!
FUCKING SHELDON ADELSON!!
MITCH “THE FUCKING YERTLE TURTLE” MCCONNELL!!
RICK FUCKING SNYDER!!
KEN “FUCKING COOCOOCOOCH” CUCHINELLI (OR HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU SPELL HIS FUCKING NAME!!)

YES, I KNOW I’M SHOUTING!! BECAUSE FUCKING ASSHOLES PISS ME THE FUCK OFF!!

AND SARAH FUCKING PALIN AND HER GODDAMNED FUCKING FAMILY OF TOTAL FUCKUPS AND FUCKING OFFSPRING WHO FUCK WITHOUT PROTECTION AND PRODUCE MORE FUCKING IDIOTS TO SUCK OFF THE FUCKING GRIFTING TEAT!!

also, too.

Dana Perino - maybe #6 on the All-Girl Revue?

Also, my neighbor who just set up one of those ginormous inflating plastic holiday “snowglobe” decorations. It is as big a a Sub-Zero refrigerator, it roars like a jet engine (okay, a tiny jet engine), and it is on their balcony about three feet from my bedroom window. And it is after 11:00 pm and they haven’t deflated it for the night. Now I must decide whether to go over and ring their doorbell and wake them up so that maybe I can get some sleep. I can’t write a mean note; I am not a fan of mean notes. Besides, a mean note won’t help right now.

I do so hope they are not armed.

I recommend a dart, Larkspur.

Oh, Betty Cracker, honey, a dart was my first thought. Well, actually, I was going to duct-tape something sharp to the end of a yard-stick, then just undo the window screen a tad bit and spear it.

But since the angle of attack would make the source of the attack pretty damn incontrovertible, I resorted to ear plugs and a resolve to visit them this afternoon.

They left this monstrous contraption on all night. This may be a First World Problem, but jeepers.

@ Bette Noir
are you sure ann coulter belongs in your “all girl revue?”

All right, I’ll chime in.

1.) Anyone who posts “first” (or a cutesy variant, like “frist”) in a comment thread. I really thought we’d be over this by 2012, but it’s been given new life by comment systems like Disqus that let people edit their comments.

2.) Any author - from big names to wannabes - who publishes dystopian lit/SF/thrillers meant to push his/her political views. Also, half a “fuck off” to everyone who continues to purchase these things even though they’re the worst things in the history of written language.

3.) Neologisms based around cute little rhymes. You know what I mean - “sexting,” “staycation,” that sort of thing. I realize that getting rid of these would open holes in the news cycle, but someone needs to stop them before they discover “sheeple.”

4.) Any blogger who uses the term “citizen journalist” without a trace of irony. While I’m at it, let’s throw in any journalist who cited one of these goobers as a source and ended up posting a rumor off some email forward. Again.

5.) Finally, I’d like to second Bill O’Reilly. Hopefully after this last year, everyone can stop pretending that he’s this misunderstood teddy bear and see him for the lying scumbag he’s always been.

Oh, and I’d also like to repeat my wish of the last three years that social networking ceases to be a thing. It’s actually making me long for the Internet of 1998.

are you sure ann coulter belongs in your “all girl revue?”

I’m not sure at all, but my big gay closet can accommodate the ambi-sexual.  Ann might just belong next to Lindsey on my list . . . ?

Neologisms based around cute little rhymes. You know what I mean - “sexting,” “staycation,” that sort of thing. I realize that getting rid of these would open holes in the news cycle, but someone needs to stop them before they discover “sheeple.”

No way, no how… I’ll never stop writing things like “posse conmantatus”, “Ozymandumbass”, and “idtellectuals”. 

And you can’t make me because THIS IS SPARTA!!!!

And good call on Arpaio… Sheriff Joe has got to go.

Betty, can you fix that link to the Molly Ivins smackdown on Paglia?

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