He’d like something named after him, but there’s already a Dover Air Force Base (UPDATED)
“For 20 years, I’ve been doing things on behalf of the people of Nebraska and putting things off,” he said. “There comes a time when you have to make that decision, do you continue to put things off and do what you’ve been doing?”
~Replace John Hodgman in Apple’s “I’m a Mac” ad campaign; get fired for showing up to shoots dressed in hipster signifiers & agreeing vigorously with Justin Long
~Join PepsiCo Board of Directors, buy world a Coke
~Sell arms to anti-American forces abroad, cite decades-long experience providing ammo to the other side
~Become lobbyist; spend most of his time hanging out at service entrance, because he always does the opposite of what he’s supposed to be doing, see
~Attempt to take down IRS from the inside; unaware that IRS Records and Internal Revenue Service are not the same thing, record surprisingly competent rock/reggae fusion album
~Get job as Wal-Mart greeter, invoke “conscience clause” to avoid saying hello to potential sluts
~Find a way to look even more like Jerry Van Dyke
~Whenever there’s a patch of freshly laid, unhardened cement nearby, “tag” it with side of head, because the dude just loves earmarks
~Belatedly realize “Ask Ben Nelson To Resign” Facebook campaign was most likely started by liberals, run for Senate
~Spend more time undermining his family
UPDATE 10:34pm—I knew I was bitin’ Letterman’s style, but I was like whatever, all my stuff’s ripped off from somebody. Now that I’ve counted the number of items, though, I should probably apologize for making everyone at RRHQ vulnerable to an infringement lawsuit.
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