I Am Treasury

Obama rolled out his economic team yesterday, and I thought, “Meh.” I don’t have no steenking PhD in economics from an elitist university and was in fact an English major at a state school with a top-tier football team, but I could do better in the “bold ideas” department. Even if I did have to Google “number zeros trillion” to determine the basis of my plan.

According to Bloomberg, the total tab for the government bailout is approaching the neighborhood of $7 trillion, which is a pretty goddamn swank neighborhood if you ask me. The population of the US is right around 300 million. So what if we told Citigroup, AIG, GM, Ford, et al, to fuck off and instead divided that $7 trillion amongst the citizenry? If I’ve got my zeros right, every man, woman and child would receive upwards of $23K.

Just imagine the explosion of capitalistic activity such a windfall would detonate! Yankets by Rumproast Manufacturing would find the, um, seed capital it needs to stoke up manufacturing and hire Billy Mays as pitch man. The PUMAs could finally retire Hillary Clinton’s debt and still have enough left over to purchase 1st class bunkers, canned goods, water purification systems, guns and ammo to ride out the Obama Administration.

Now, we know from lotteries past that a large percentage of our population would not invest so wisely and would squander their haul on Wild Turkey Jello shots, gold-plated RVs and hit men to dispense with their pesky relatives, ending up bankrupt and in jail. But it’s precisely that sort of economic activity that greases the wheels of capitalism.

Does anyone doubt that thousands of mom-and-pop bank and credit card outfits would arise to meet consumer needs once the dead-wood banks and their golden-parachuted executive parasites were allowed to fail? Wouldn’t vehicle manufacturing companies arise in garages nationwide—like that squabbling father-son operation that was the subject of a reality show—to take the place of our moribund auto industry? I don’t doubt it for a second.

Screw the “financial infrastructure.” And fuck the “too big to fail” companies that are sucking us dry. With my economic recovery plan, we’d get rid of those blood-suckers once and for all and would likely get better products and services into the bargain. At least until Rumproast, Inc. grew into a multi-national conglomerate whose executive team spent the profits made from shaky leveraged debt swaps on Caligula-themed debauchery . And then we’d start all over again.

[Cross-posted at Betty Cracker]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 11/25/08 at 08:44 AM • Permalink

After becoming CEO of Rumproast Manufacturing, I’d spend my $23k at Starbucks. It’s the American thing to do.

Betty for Secretary of the Treasury! Or Under Secretary. Have you filled out an application yet with the Obama-Biden Administration? Treasury could use a gal like Betty.

At this point, I’d probably take that $23K, or a good chunk of it, to Mohegan Sun, and play me some blackjack and slots. Gotta make amends to the Native Americans.

I still dont understand why the Treasury Sec cant take the 500 million or more all the executives at the above mentioned banks made combined(and which they really clearly did not deserve) and give that to the neediest.

Shit all I need is an MBA from Fancypants U. to commence looting the citizenry. If that is the kind of graduates these universities churn out, then we are all truly fucked

At this point, I’d probably take that $23K, or a good chunk of it, to Mohegan Sun, and play me some blackjack and slots. Gotta make amends to the Native Americans.

I’m Native American and I’d be sitting at the slot machine beside you.

I’m Native American and I’d be sitting at the slot machine beside you.

Really?  Because I’ve always thought Native American casinos were the greatest ratfuck on white Americans evah! (And I mean that in a good way :) )

At least until Rumproast, Inc. grew into a multi-national conglomerate whose executive team spent the profits made from shaky leveraged debt swaps on Caligula-themed debauchery.

Can we have the debauchery now?  And yes I will be wearing my Yanket to the party.

Betty C for TreasSec!

I applaud your math and your idea.  Hell, with 46K in our pockets, Hubby and I would run out and but matching Toyotas - in cash.

That would be “buy matching Toyotas...”

If that is the kind of graduates these universities churn out, then we are all truly fucked

To paraphrase an old saying:  “Ethics is to College of Business ethics as music is to military music.”