Invasion of the Meme Hatchers
Piggybacking on Brit’s post below about premature wingnut schadenfreude on the upcoming elections, I thought I’d bust out my own packet of tea-leaves and prognosticate.
Unlike Will•i•am A. Jac•ob•son, I won’t pretend I know what’s going to happen. I’ll only note that if history is a guide, it should be a horrible thrashing for the Dems, what with the usual losses for a party that holds power (see Reagan, Ronald and Clinton, Bill), the wretched economy, high levels of voter anger, etc.
That said, every election has its unique dynamic. We should remember that people are voting for individuals in local elections, not Politico Idol.
However, some things are as predictable as the sunrise. So here are my predictions for the possible outcomes:
The Dems Lose Big as Predicted
The Dems get the spanking Colonel Mustard and the professional pundits predict, losing the House and Senate. There is much rejoicing in Wingnutville. Politico, David Broder, and the rest of the Hack Pack anoint the teatards the political force that will dominate US politics for the next two millennia and declare the Democrats electorally dead forever.
The remaining moderates are driven out of the GOP, either by conversion to hardcore wingnutism a la John McCain or via a complete collapse of support for those who hang onto what passes for their principles (Olympia Snow, Susan Collins, et al).
Many pixels and barrels of ink are expended declaring Obama’s presidency an utter failure and drawing Jimmy Carter analogies. The victorious GOP, smelling blood in the water, wastes millions of dollars on investigations that turn up very little—not even so much as an Oval Office blow job—though the press does use the allegedly misattributed MLK quote on the new Oval Office rug to make tortuous analogies about false political assumptions that ruined BHO’s presidency.
Ayn Rand fanboy Paul Ryan is catapulted to rock star status since he’s the only GOPer who offers legislative ideas. True, they’re awful legislative ideas that the public does not support. But the press corps doesn’t dwell on insignificant details like that, instead noting the uncanny similarity between Ryan’s hairstyle and Ronald Reagan’s ‘do.
Rallying around the Ryan Roadmap, the GOP passes legislation to gut Medicare and Social Security and otherwise unravel the social safety net and usher in an age of austerity. Obama vetoes every single bill, and the GOP accuses him of not respecting the mandate conferred by We The Pipple.
Sarah Palin stays in the news via Twitter and Facebook, yammering on about “Mama Grizzlies,” “Tea Party Americans” and “Commonsense Conservatives” and generally bolstering the “take back our country” meme. Her devoted fans are sure she is going to run for president. She makes no definitive moves in that direction but coyly remains a factor and a distraction to the declared candidates.
Palin is pressured by the GOP bigwigs to shit or get off the pot. Having earned $20 million in books and speaking fees and having Googled “presidential press conferences” and “presidential debates, number of,” Palin really wants to keep her cushy king-maker gig. But being marketing-savvy enough to realize that bowing out will suck the fuel from her mighty tchotchke-selling machine, she waits until the last possible moment to un-declare. But she finally does.
Police departments around the country report an odd rash of mass cult suicides after finding a few dozen bodies clad in orange tracksuits and Puma-brand running shoes. The victims perished by their own hands via cyanide ingestion in rooms lit only by candles burning before large portraits of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and erstwhile GOP contender Sarah Palin. A CSI: Cult Investigations Unit spin-off is spun.
Meanwhile, Palin’s withdrawal from the fray throws the GOP into a tailspin prior to the 2012 GOP convention in Tampa. The money men who actually run things want to back someone safe and boring like Romney or Pawlenty. The base splits into two camps—those who will only settle for Palin and would rather see Dennis Kucinich get the nomination than Romney, and those who will grudgingly back another candidate in the Palin mold.
The big money boys prevail, naturally, and Romney gets the nod. As a sop to the Palinites, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is chosen as his running mate. Unsopped, the embittered Tea Party Americans spend the run-up to the election lambasting Romney for “RomneyCare.” Romney operatives are unable to gather duct tape in sufficient quantities to keep Bachmann from saying crazy shit at every campaign stop.
Obama is reelected in a landslide, and the overreaching GOP Congresscritters and Senators are swept from office.
The GOP Loses Big Despite Predictions
And by “loses big,” I mean they fail to take the House AND the Senate. Expectations are set so high now that a failure to capture both chambers will be interpreted as a repudiation. So maybe they narrowly take the House and make gains in the Senate. Or maybe the Dems manage to hang onto both chambers by the narrowest of margins.
Either way, the narrative will be that the GOP squandered an historic opportunity (and the construction “an historic” will be used interminably). Oh, the GOP blew it big time, the pundits will say—what with pre-election doomsday polls for the Dems, the president’s plummeting approval rating, all the enthusiasm and energy on the GOP side.
How is it, the pundits will muse, that the GOP not only does not control both chambers but that there’s a single Democrat left in Congress? What happened? What happened?!?!?!
And just like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the pundit class and shell-shocked GOP survivors will turn to the only ostensibly “new” factor on the electoral landscape: the rebranded Bush-dead enders in Colonial get-ups. Eyeing the teatards, the pundit class will extend their index fingers in an accusatory manner and utter inhuman shrieks. It was THEM!
And the GOP power brokers will rush them as one and convert all teatards to Romney-like GOP pod people. The end.
Split Decision
Given the dunking stool model of political analysis currently in vogue, I think it’s almost certain that even a narrow result one way or another in the upcoming elections will be followed by the winner (by whatever margin) being awarded a hyperbolic mandate.
But I suppose it’s remotely possible that a narrow result will be interpreted narrowly. In that case, the crystal ball is cloudier on the fallout. That’s why a narrative will almost certainly be latched onto and upheld despite conflicting evidence. It’s much more fun that way.
So, have I covered my ass enough? What did I leave out?
Posted by Betty Cracker on 09/08/10 at 09:31 AM • Permalink
Categories: Politics • Election '10 • PUMAs • Nutters • Sarah Palin • Teabaggery • Our Stupid Media •
Share this post: 
