Newt’s Veepstakes

Serial lecher Newt Gingrich announced his candidacy for president today. It’s hard to believe a gigantic, leaky douchebag like Newt Gingrich could be a serious contender for a major party nomination, but this is America. We can buy and sell anything. All it takes is some marketing finesse.

So far, the Newt campaign hasn’t shown much. Do they really think they can pass off the Queen of the Cream Cheese People (Trophy Wife #3, who snatched her highly dubious prize from the matrimonial clutches of Trophy Wife #2) as a “character witness”?

Come the fuck on. To counter the Marianas Trench of loathsomeness that is Newt Gingrich, a Mount Everest of cuteness is required. Newt needs some weapons-grade cute—now. Below the fold are some creatures who are so adorable they almost balance Newt’s physical and moral hideousness. They should therefore be considered possible running mates.

The frowny flower girl from the royal wedding. The only worry with this choice is that Newt might creepily become attracted to her and dump Callista:

The adorable rescued Northern fur seal from the video in a previous thread today. Possible obstacle—whereabouts currently unknown:

A kitten inexplicably wearing a frog costume. I mean, fer gawdsake:

An entire basket of adorable puppies! If this much concentrated cuteness can’t overcome Newt’s awfulness, nothing can:

Ray’s center fielder and surprise star Sam Fuld. (Shut up! He is too!)

The End.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 05/11/11 at 07:30 PM • Permalink

Categories: Critters • News • Politics • Election '12 • Bedwetters • Nutters • Sports •

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I swear Betty the Queen of the Cream Cheese People is one of the most spectacular things you have ever come up with. What is it with Republicans and their blond, stepford wives?

Comment by Litlebritdifrnt on 05/11/11 at 08:01 PM

Like I wrote in a previous post, I think the Newtster should pick Rudy Giuliani.

Also, I would totally do vote for Sam Fuld (who looks a little like Mets’ third basemen David Wright).

Comment by J. on 05/11/11 at 08:01 PM

Considering that the Freeper-types think that Gingrich is too establishment/Washington cocktail party insider/rational he would have to “balance the ticket” with his VP pick.

It’s a Newt and a nut in 2012!

Comment by Bob Stanley on 05/11/11 at 08:46 PM

Oh, thank God for another sane Floridian, and a funny bitch too!... ...Marianas Trench of loathsomeness… hahahahaha… I have laughed too loud. Now, in all seriousness, thank you for pointing out the obvious that is outside the reach of sooooo many…

Comment by MadDogDunlap on 05/11/11 at 09:08 PM

Wow, Newt. Older than Reagan, crookeder than Nixon, uglier than Van Buren, more divisive than anybody with two brain cells to rub together. Wotta shithead.

Comment by Xecky Gilchrist on 05/11/11 at 09:31 PM

...I guess I was wrong about the Older than Reagan part, but I stand by the rest.

Comment by Xecky Gilchrist on 05/11/11 at 09:34 PM

Maybe if Newt crafted his speech in LOLCat, he’d have a shot at cuteness. Then again, the concept is just too creepy in a child molester sort of way.

Never mind…

Comment by Cynth The Poet on 05/11/11 at 09:57 PM

whereabouts currently unknown

Barhopping. When Americans say “no SEAL will ever have to buy a drink again,” we mean it.

Comment by gil mann on 05/11/11 at 10:11 PM

Christ, that’s so weak I should whip up a sockpuppet and own myself.

Comment by gil mann on 05/11/11 at 10:12 PM

When Americans say “no SEAL will ever have to buy a drink again,” we mean it.

Ha ha! It’s funny because they’re homonyms!

You suck. And then you [REDACTED FOR IMAGERY SO GRAPHIC YA KINDA GOTTA WONDER]

Comment by Fellow Gil Fellator on 05/11/11 at 10:15 PM

I love the grumpy flower girl! But no baby ducks?

Psst…does anyone know how to speak MadDog? Is that the Caruso guy again?

Comment by Twinky P on 05/11/11 at 10:16 PM

I think he should pick that gecko from the insurance commercials.

1 Newt + 1 Gecko = Winning!

Comment by Glix on 05/11/11 at 10:16 PM

Is that the Caruso guy again?

Nope. But he can expect a sound dinging for the “bitch” thing if he comes back.

Comment by YAFB on 05/11/11 at 10:23 PM

Another vote for Queen of the Cream Cheese People, although it’s an insult to the actual Cream Cheese People.

Newt, meanwhile: a person to make both Moliere and Mark Twain look at each other and say, “Well, that’s it. We’re done. Nothing we can invent can top this.”

Can you imagine the delusion and hubris that enables this clown to think, “Hm…yes. In spite of my three marriages, my serial adultery (which is known by all), my third-rate ‘professor’s’ c.v., and my world-wide fame as a thin-skinned, over-reaching buffoon, I CAN go head to head with Barack Obama and become President”? No, you can’t. So just stop.

Comment by Mr. Wonderful on 05/12/11 at 12:23 AM

@Mr. Wonderful - and don’t forget that he resigned the Speaker of the House position owing to being run out of Congress on a rail. All in all the ideal presidential candidate. Or, wait, not.

Comment by marindenver on 05/12/11 at 01:12 AM

Cookie the ticklish penguin. Best part is that Cookie goes “skreeee wurwurwur skreeee wurwurwur” so loud that we can’t hear Newt.

Comment by MaryRC on 05/12/11 at 02:03 AM

Me. If I can’t run as prez and Colbert continues to NOT pick me as his Veep. I would add a certain…spiciness…to Newt’s campaign.

On second thought, never mind. I’d rather poke out both my eyeballs with my rusty pitchfork than be anywhere near Newt Gingrich. *Shudder*

Comment by asiangrrlMN on 05/12/11 at 02:05 AM

NO Newt No time.I wish hewould have stayed out of the race.He changes his “mind” too much.illegals are ok.illegals are not ok.He may know a lot about politics.They just aren’t mine.Cmon Newt hit the trail.