Now You’re Cookin’ with Gasbag!

Betty’s eggnog recipe sounds delicious, but it lacks a certain je ne sais quoi (French for “Jenny said what?”). It could use something to wash it down wi… no wait, something to wash down… damnit, no, something to be washed down by it? Fuck it, here’s a cookie recipe.

Gil’s* Cruelty-Curtailing Chocolate Chunk & Cranberry Christmas Cookies

1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1 awl
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 rabbit (optional)
1&1/2 cups quick cooking oats
1 cage-free, certified humane egg
1/2 cup Earth Balance butter substitute
2 fucktons Good Life vegan chocolate chunks
1/2 shitload Ocean Spray Craisins
1 big-ass glass of grass-fed, certified pasture milk
1 smug look on face

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Shoo cat off stovetop, think back to that time you meant to turn the oven on but grabbed the wrong knob and lit a burner and cat went up like a bundle of oily rags, laugh. Oh, you can laugh, she wasn’t hurt. Hell, she walked away from a full-body incineration none the worse for wear, yet you can barely use a whisk without slicing a finger off, ya spaz.

In large bowl, whip Earth Balance and white sugar into a cream, then mix in brown sugar. Insert awl into ear canal, dislodge Stones tune from head.

Beat in egg, add vanilla extract. If you don’t have vanilla extract you can substitute crumbled Nilla Wafers or just hum “Ice Ice Baby” into bowl.

Add combined baking soda, cinnamon and salt; stir well. Mix in all-purpose flour, but try to keep this step on the down-low if you’re letting OWS protesters crash at your place, lest you have to listen to some hippie go off on how hemp’s the real all-purpose flower, man, but you’ll never hear about that on Martha Stewart, cuz she knows what masters she serves.

Mix in chocolate chunks and Craisins. Okay, wait, back up a sec—stop shoveling fistfuls of chocolate chunks and Craisins into your big fat maw, for Chrissakes. Okay, now mix in chocolate chunks and Craisins. Stir vigorously; if Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, take out rage on mixture, cranking up intensity until you explode violently and hurl bowl against wall. Move on to rabbit.

If not Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, drop heaping spoonfuls of batter onto ungreased baking sheets. Since your oven is an unbelievable piece of crap, keep minimal space between cookies so they’ll touch when they spread out, otherwise they’ll come out as rings of burnt yuck with cookie centers. Also, line all four sides of baking sheet with cheap store-bought dough—you refer to this as the “doughrimeter,” because you’re a total dork—so that oven will think that’s part of the batch proper and burn it to a crisp, sparing the rest. You have no idea why your Goddamn oven does this. Probably something to do with conduction, and also it’s evil.

Bake for anywhere between 6 and 12 minutes, because that fucking oven. After 40 minutes, note odor and apartment filled with smoke, chastise self for doing this every single time you try to cook something, you idiot, wonder deep down if you haven’t just given in and bought a friggin’ egg timer because you secretly relish these moments of self-flagellation. Scrape blackened discs into garbage and start over.

Yields: 12 cookies
Serves: 4 people without severe impulse-control issues, or you

*oh pseudonymity, how you thwart alliteration

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 12/22/11 at 10:49 PM • Permalink

Categories: Food •

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Gil, these sound yum! I think my cookie/candymaking set this year will be limited to peanut-butter fudge and rum balls. It is one of the sadnesses of my life that I have never been able to honor my half-Scots heritage by making great shortbread. It’s just flour, sugar, and butter—shouldn’t be hard, right

So instead I honor it by cadging drinks from strangers. And scalping Brits.

Comment by Oblomova on 12/23/11 at 01:23 AM

Was reading recipe to Mama-San, who objected to the use of an awl to dislodge Rolling Stones tunes because an awl is properly used for piercing. She suggests a chisel instead.

She is okay with “fuckton,” however. We must count our blessings.

Comment by Mrs. Polly on 12/23/11 at 01:52 AM

Having just gotten off the treadmill (the streets of Anchorage are polished glass and I already have one fucked up shoulder thankyouverymuch) I was reading your recipe and I swear to Almighty Jeebus I thought it said “1 cage free certified HUMAN egg”. I believe they call that “hitting a mental wall”. Lesson: do not read recipes on RumperRoom when hypoglycemic, it leads to liquids being sprayed at expensive monitors.

My late, beloved mother made a pie out of low bush cranberries once, but neglected to use enough sugar. Needless to say, I have hated the fuckers ever since.

Side note: how the hell did you manage to sneak into my house and use my oven?