Only Eleven Snarking Days Left Until Blitzmas

The Truth is both sad and inescapable: our sagacious forebears left us only two devices by which to reliably divine our future as a collective species—(1) a wonky paleolithic calendar so wobbly and complex it runs out of dates before the end of time, and (2) a Stone Age alarm clock that scares Anglo Saxons and only goes off on weekends.

As we feared, both the Mayan calendar and Stonehenge concur that this year’s Christmas is going to be indefinitely postponed. This year, don’t bother watching It’s A Wonderful Life, just drink buckets of plum wine and go caroling nude.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 12/10/12 at 06:56 PM • Permalink

Categories: BoozeMessylaneousNewsPoliticsBedwettersNuttersRelijunSkull Hampers

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Wednesday is the last time this century that we will have the same number for day, month and year (Ethiopia has 13 months but the 13th month, Pogmay, only has 5 days).  I would like to think that the Mayans picked the date they did because it was a series of ones and twos but, of course, they didn’t use our numbering system and so the cause of our doom is much more obscure. 

My guess is they mistakenly assumed the election of the first Mormon President, which would trigger the arrival of Jesus Christ in Independence, MO to battle the anti-Christ and herald the end of the world (apparently this is in their “scriptures”).  Didn’t happen, of course and my guess s there will be a lot of surprised Mayans frantically trying to do their last minute Christmas shopping on December 22nd.

just drink buckets of plum wine and go caroling nude.

I was lucky enough to spend a couple of weeks in Tuscany last month so I probably better chug all the amazing Chianti Classico that I brought back.  Not sure what to do with all the olive oil, although nude caroling does suggest some ideas.  Hey, it’s 2012-first-cold-press-extra-virgin!!

I’m for plum brandy myself (actually, my spouse just brought that back from a liquor store run).  That and caroling nude wasn’t too far from the original plan, anyways.

I’ve beening thinking about broadening my drinking vices; I’ll think I’ll take up brandy.  Thanks for the suggestion!

just drink buckets of plum wine and go caroling nude

This has been my plan all along.  But it will be more fun this year, knowing I have your blessing.

just drink buckets of plum wine and go caroling nude.

WAY ahead of you!

I don’t do caroling naked, I wassail, I wassail naked. Huge difference.

I wassail naked. Huge difference.

Indeed, as do I!  Plus, it provides the context for our beloved carol:

Here we come a-wassailing
Among the leaves so green;
Here we come a-wand’ring
So fair to be seen.

Allow me to translate from the Olde English.  So fair to be seen?  Refers to the pleasing aesthetics of our junk.

So “The boar’s head in hand bear I, bedecked with sage and Rosemary” must be even more festive than I had previously supposed.

By the way, happy DozenDozenDozen Day! Let’s bedeck ourselves and celebrate!

Celebrate tomorrow, I mean. Silly calendar. if I were Mayan, I’d never have made that mistake.

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