Operation ZILF—Obscene Aerial Sex-Toy to “Totally Mess With” Taliban
“Look—up in the sky! It’s a Tucker Torpedo!”
“It’s the triple-breasted Hindu goddess Meenashki!”
“It’s Steely Dan III from Yokohama!”
“No, it’s ZILF! Throw down your guns! Allah has deserted us! Aiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!”
America’s end-game strategy for Afghanistan may be up in the air, but—fortunately—so is the Advanced Extreme Cultural Insensitivity weapons technology that will enable the US to needlessly prolong, if not outright win, this decade-long conflict.
Informally dubbed ZILF (Zeppelin Intended for Longish Flights) by military planners, this “Naked Maja of the Skies” has been officially designated the Long Endurance Multi-intelligence Vehicle (LEMV).
Currently in final development by the US Army’s Space and Missile Defense command, the 250-foot-long, creepily-erotic hovering blasphemy will have the capability to vamp lasciviously at altitudes up to 20,000 feet for as much as three weeks at a stretch.
ZILF is scheduled for initial deployment in 2011. Based on the smaller and less satisfying Lockheed P-791 (video, below), ZILF promises a “longer, stronger” aerial lurking experience coupled with a repellent “ham-like” radar profile and a more ample, sculpted and impressively buoyant lifting body that, according to designers, “will evoke distracting impure thoughts even in highly Westernized minds, and of either sex.”
On routine tactical missions (e.g., disrupting daily prayer calls), ZILF will fly in languid, hypnotic arcs over the horizon-line opposite from Mecca. In “hot-war” zones, a flesh-colored “Aggressive Suggestion” version will posture lordotically at lower altitudes, while blaring ‘80s-era military trade-show music tracks incorporating subliminal readings from Fanny Hill in Arabic, Pashtun and Farsi. .
Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 11/15/09 at 06:37 PM • Permalink
Categories: Geek Speak • Knee Slappers • Politics • War In Error • YouTubidity •
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