Oscar Night Open Thread of Euro-Sonic Dance-Mutation

For me, the Oscar Ceremonies are right up there with really crappy Eastern European trance bands who have an obsession for robot art and overwrought typefaces. But just because I have no soul doesn’t mean the rest of you can’t have a party!

Consider this your swag-filled VIP Roastatorium for winner picks, gossip, Red Carpet cattiness and Oscar Awards live-snarking. 

UPDATE: Here’s the official list of nominees by searchable category. Here’s a potentially-lethal drinking game. Don’t thank me—I live to serve.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 03/07/10 at 01:32 PM • Permalink

Categories: I Don't Know Much About Art, But I Know What I LikeMoviesMovie NewsMovie ReviewsTelevision

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I’ve loved watching the Academy Awards show for as long as I can remember. It’s all about the glamour, the excitement, the speeches, and the fans. I watch it every year.

This should be a great event. We got a flat screen TV for Christmas, so I shall have all of the color and interviews right up front. I have seen about half of the nominated films, so I have my favorites to root for. I am really looking forward to it!

BTW, The Hurt Locker deserves the win.

I don’t see most of the films until they hit “On Demand” so I mostly watch the Oscars to admire or jeer at people’s clothes.  It helps if the host is funny too.

I did see “Up” in 3D (which almost made me hurl several times - not good with heights) so I guess I do have one movie to root for.

This is the first year when I’ve seen exactly none of the nominated films. Let it all come as a glorious fantasmagorical pageant of old-fashioned Hollywood glamour!

Or at least let it be better than last year.

Two minutes in, and this is already the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life (on a TV screen).

Am I just a hopeless cynic?

Was that a cross between the Wizard of Oz Glinda bubble and a go-go dancer cage that Steve and Alex just descended to the stage on?  Not looking promising.

Why, is that the most contrived and wooden Oscar opening sequence evah?  Oh look, I believe it is!

One more burst of embarrassed, scattered applause and this show officially qualifies as performance art.

CODE BLUE. CODE BLUE. I need a crash-cart, a dance number and a Leslie Nielsen lifetime retrospective video clip at ABC, STAT!

Why can’t you fast forward on live-time for chrissakes?!?

All right, are they not performing Oscar-nominated songs this year, or did they crowd them all into the first fifteen minutes? I was out buying absinthe.

I’ve seen this audience somewhere before.

Oh, yeah—it was Easter Island.

OK, let kc take the controls for a minute and missed “Best song”.  Who won?  And yes, for whatever mis-guided reason, it looks like they are actually just giving out the award on clips and not performing the songs!

Is Molly Ringwald trying to imitate Carol Burnett’s Gone with the Wind dress?

Molly Ringwald is seriously over-botoxed.  She’s scaring me.

That’s OK with me, kc, What this program desperately needs is more lame, talky set-ups and unintended WTF? moments.

That was Ringwald? I thought it was Carrot-Top.

That drag queen does the worst impression of Molly Ringwald I’ve ever seen.

My dog put his cold nose on the real Molly’s thigh once. while we were waiting in line at a deli on West 4th St.  That Breakfast club sneer was not much of a stretch for her, as it turns out.

Jesus. John Hughes, one of the funniest writers ever, just had his entire film legacy reduced to a queasy wake attended by Brat-Pat washouts from Where-Are-They-Now-World.

That drag queen does the worst impression of Molly Ringwald I’ve ever seen.

Ru would be aghast.  She’d definitely get kicked off for being un-fabulous.

Aside from the fun I had Photoshopping that Gort image, I sincerely regret the misguided impulse to create this thread.

Please forgive me.

Tragic is seeing a gorgeous young actress being eaten alive by a heliotrope.

Strange, this thread may be the only thing that gets us through this awful show.  I think it’s the worst we’ve seen in a while.

Did Riverchucky just upstage an “inadequate black male” in the short documentary award presentation?

I can’t deal with the cutaways. Everyone in the audience looks like they had to accept comp tickets to the Oscars because the Siegfried & Roy show was sold-out.

Oblomova, I have NO idea what that was, but it frightened me deeply.

Ben Stiller in blueface is more than I can take.

Evidently Purpledaughter was the one somebody wasn’t expecting.

STAR TREK!

Isn’t Kevin Spacey cute in that waistcoat?

Did Riverchucky just upstage an “inadequate black male” in the short documentary award presentation?
Comment by Oblomova on 03/07/10 at 08:36 PM

I don’t know , but I think I heard her say, “Imma let you finish”.

Shout out to Oprah! She sure can pick winners!

Saigon… shit. I’m still only in Saigon… Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the jungle.

I thought the “boob belt” was supposed to go UNDER your tits.

SJP looks good for a girl with two heads.

kc wants me to express her general feeling that TWILIGHT SUCKS

JAWS is not a HORROR film! It is a THRILLER!

Neither was Edward Scissorhands...but I guess it doesn’t matter when you’re building a pointless, time-killing montage of horror films.

That whole horror thing confused me - didn’t the presenting starlet say horror hadn’t been honored since The Exorcist, but then show clips from Silence of the Lambs?

From kc:  The presenting starlet hadn’t even been born when The Exorcist came out so how would she even know?!

Wow. Michael Chertoff has the voice of an angel!

Michael Jackson has never looked more lifelike.

Ummmm, Michael Jackson was in the movies?

Points for closing the in memoriam section with Karl Malden. A.O. Scott pretty much nailed it here.

Although at first I thought they were going with some kind of “Living Dead” synchronicity by having Demi Moore intro the segment.

And where the hell was Farrah? She did at least many movies at Michael Jackson? Overshadowed by the inadequate black male once again! (Yes, I’m happy I’ve found occasion to work that in twice in this thread.)

Comment by Oblomova on 03/07/10 at 10:44 PM

Marin, in “the Wiz,” a charming, fresh-faced young man and former child front-man for a major pop group played the Scarecrow.

Your confusion is entirely understandable.

BEST DANCE NUMBER SINCE THE “GREEN ORION SLAVE-GIRL” IN STAR TREK: TOS!

Yay, the blonde dancer is kc’s school mate Kayla Radomski who almost won “So You Think You Can Dance”!  Go Kayla!!

Sadly, this is the most attention actual dancers (as opposed to Tom DeLay) will get from broadcast TV all year.

O, your’re right - WHERE WAS FARAH!!!

My sincere apologies to kc and Kayla. The dancers were excellent. The “motion design” part just seemed like a series of technical compulsories, rather than composed choreography.

Then again, I write fucking matchbook ads for a living, so what do I know?

Strange, we’re not defending the choreography, just excited to see Kayla. ;-)

I want to see Avatar lose, if for no other reason than to wipe that smug grin off James Cameron’s face.

I don’t watch these things very often (‘cause I don’t watch a lot of movies and I rarely know what anyone is talking about) but this has been painful even to my uneducated eye.

I liked James Taylor and Kayla ;-)

What’s could be better than listening to your own funeral oration?

Listening to five funeral orations!

The only difference between this and a wake is at a wake there isn’t a close-up of the corpse.

Go Meryl!

Make that ten funeral orations.

Oprah looks beautiful! What a year for her.

Girlz Rool!  Go Kathryn!!!!

“I Am Woman?” Shoot me.

Since a chick beat a black dude, the sins of 2008 have been washed clean.

James Cameron ego-save: “See that? I used to be hittin’ that.”

So ends the year of the Little Mermaid gown. Now all those ruffles can go back to Bed Bath and Beyond where they belong.

James Cameron ego-save: “See that? I used to be hittin’ that.

Not much of a save. If he was a decent person, he’d still be hitting that.

Y’all are a bunch of party poopers. I thought some of Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin’s lines were hilarious. True, the whole intro by Neil Patrick Harris was terrible, but things picked up after that.

Penelope Cruze was stunning in that deep russet gown, Sandra Bullock was also stunning and gave a funny and touching acceptance speech when she won. kate Winslet was as beautiful and classy as ever. George Clooney did look grumpy and his date seemed clueless, but I suspect she doesn’t speak much English.

Meryl Streep and Dame (“Damn Helen Mirrin”, a la Steve Martin) Helen Mirrin both looked fabulous and stylish. Quentin Tarantino looked like an unmade bed, as usual. And what a night for Kathryn Bigelow! She also looked super and made history as the first woman director to win an Oscar.

This was our first year watching on a big screen, so that was good and bad. The makeup was apparent on most of the women, and I mean trowel-worthy. Still the gowns were great and the shots of the theatre were wonderfully impressive. I had a great time cheering for the winners, all of whom I approved.

Phfffft!

donnah, I thought the first, second, and possibly even third fishtail number were pretty, but they became much of a too-muchness very early on for me. SJP should sue the sylist who put her in the Zaphod Beeblebrox hairstyle and wrapped a WWE championship belt around her chest, and even usually reliable and gorgeous Charlize Theron wore a dress with a rolled-napkin-thing over each breast. When will people learn never to wear dresses with a thing over each breast?

Kate Winslet, whom I love, was utterly washed out in a dress too timid even to be taupe, and Sandra Bullock is unfortunately as sewn into her feisty-girl-next-door-act as she was into her pretty and mercifully unpleated, ruffled, or gathered, dress. I think of her as the anti-Winslet; after one blockbuster, Kate turned her back on the short-lived career of the enforced Hollywood thriller-babe, and did smaller films which interested her. And her career lives, unlike those of Cameron’s usual thriller-babes, whose botoxed corpses haunt the Hollywood hills, hawking tell-alls about their relationships with him.

Fellow Cameron escapee Kathryn Bigelow was stunning from beginning to end, and not only is it delicious that she defeated the Blue People, but she defeated one of the worst egomaniacs ever to think that because he can turn out two hundred minutes of dialogue, that makes him a writer. Ever since he had a gunfight/chase scene on the Titanic, because in his fine judgement the Titanic sinking wasn’t exciting enough, I’ve loathed him. The best line in Titanic, btw, was improvised by the actor playing Ismay: “Freud? Who is that? Is he a passenger?”

The beaded-fringe curtain I liked, but making gowned starlets negotiate plexiglas staircases is just mean, and aside from the welcome and graceful presence of one of marindenver’s daughter’s friends in the dance numbers, the concept of portraying each movie through break-dance-ballet was bound to go screamingly wrong, and did. “The Hurt Locker” might have lent itself to being represented in dance somehow, but sending the principal of your corpse-de-bally down a giant, artsy, playground slide isn’t it.

I go get a snack during the dance number every year, so there you go. ;-)

And now that I recall, that lampshade backdrop thingy was all kinds of dumb. I don’t know why they associated awards with lampshades, unless they were going to hand them out after the show when the artists finished getting plastered.

The gown thing is the same every year. The designers must all mooch off each other, and this year it was mermaid gowns and upswept hair, except when the hair was just hanging down. And yes, Sarah Jessica was all kinds of fashion fail, from her orangey-Boehner tan to her bizarre satin sack dress to that hair which made her look like the mother monster in the Alien movies. My sons saw her and yelled, “Eat something! I can see through your arms to the back of the dress!”

I completely forgot about the lampshades! Combined with the fringe curtain, quite the kitschfest!

I could be wrong, but possibly the significance is that lamps are what people used to stare at for fun before there were movies.

Thanks, Strange. That makes about as much sense as anything else I could figure out. I sat there for a few moments going “Lampshades? Those aren’t really lampshades, are they?”

Now, if they’d gone the R. Mutt route with urinals, I would have been duly impressed.

The PUMA moment of the Oscars is unfortunately apparently a serious journalist undoing herself before however many millions of people we are always told watch the telecast around the world.

Elinor Burkett had better hope that the Madame Tusseaud’s Chamber of BratPackers scared off a few mill, so there’ll be someone left on the planet who’ll talk to her at parties and give her some love on Amazon.

**UPDATE**

This is purely for my own amusement, as everybody else has moved on to all the other outrages more worthy of fulminations than this, but I just found Burkett’s Meet Norma Desmond Maine performance on the Oscar Thank-You cam.

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