Palin Family New Year Newsletter!

[WASILLA, ALASKA] Gosh, can it possibly be a whole year ago since I sent the 2008 update to our family, friends, PACs, media outlets, separatist organizations, political allies, witch-hunting preachers, Alaskans and faith communities? After this whirlwind year, my brain screams out “No, it can’t be!!!” But the calendar yells “You betcha!!!”  So it’s time once again to take pen in hand and update those interested in Palin family doin’s…

First on the agenda—Toad and I became grandparents!!! About this time a year ago, Toad, Brindle, Trogg, Pipple, Wigwam, Baby Prop and I welcomed Brindle’s bouncing bundle of joy, Tic, into the world! Spawned without direct paternal involvement, much like a wild Alaskan sockeye salmon, Baby Tic shared a bassinet with Baby Uncle Prop throughout much of the year while his mom lectured fellow teens on abstinence and yours truly—Governor Grandma, ha ha ha ha!—became a Best-Selling Author and GOP Frontrunner for 2012. You could say it was an eventful year!

Speaking of GOP Frontrunner for 2012, as I toured the American heartland signing books and meeting ordinary Americans and common-sense conservative leaders nationwide, everyone asks me the same question: “Sarah, are you going to run for president?!?” All I can tell you, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, Michael Steele—and even Oprah!!—is what I tell everyone else: Queen Esther didn’t plan to deliver her people from the Persians, but when the Lord tells you to jump, the only possible response is “How high, Lord?” So I am keeping the 2012 options open!

And while we’re on the subject of sacred obligations, I’m remembering a bright summer’s day here on the shores of Lake Blastamoose when I did the right thing for Alaskans by short-circuiting a kajillion frivolous lawsuits and ethics complaints. It sure was an honor to serve as governor for 18 months. Some in the media tried to spin the peaceful transfer of power we accomplished that day as “quitting,” but Alaskans know it was about returning common-sense conservative governing principles to the state I love during a lame-duck term.

Speaking of porn stars, you may have heard that Brindle and I are attempting to make sure Baby Tic grows up in a home with good, honest American values instead of around naked people and meth labs. “Ricky Hollywood” certainly showed his true colors this year, didn’t he? I tried to tell Brindle what kind of boy he was the first time she brought him home from the rink, but you can’t tell kids that age anything, can you? It’s not like I don’t understand the attraction to a hunky man. (Have you seen Toad?!? Rrrowwrr!)  It’s just that you have to be careful about who you let in the family circle. But just like with my sister and the violent, child-abusing, hunting-out-of-season trooper, Brindle had to learn the hard way. Oh well, what’s a mom to do?

On to more pleasant subjects—my book! I have been truly humbled by its reception. Of course, the elitist media sneered as they tend to do at anything that isn’t produced by a Harvard elitist, but the real Americans of honest-to-goodness American parts of America get it. And they get it by the millions, which is gratifying to say the very least!! Happily, Toad has been able to quit his grueling North Slope job to manage media relations, with welcome assistance from Greta and hubby, to whom we are so sincerely grateful!!

Goodness knows I need someone to look after that part of my life!! As you probably heard, some crazy person from the Democrat party threw a tomato at me while I was appearing at a grocery store book signing (in the produce section). Since the crazy man thankfully hit a cop in the face instead of me (thanks again, Jesus!), I didn’t get a good look at the tomato. But I’ll bet you dollars to donuts it was one of those fancy “heirloom” jobs rather than an honest regular tomato without a hoity-toity pedigree.

Speaking of tomatoes, we took a much-needed family vacation in Hawaii this year, and those of us who did not take my advice about the tanning bed sure were as red as tomatoes! Ha! It was a lot of fun, even with all the Asians around. But of course, the busybody media made a big deal out of my visor. As you may have heard, I tried to disguise myself so we could get a little peace and quiet. If I went out on the beach with my “McCain” logo hat, of course everyone would drop their tanning lotion, scream and say, “Look! It’s Sarah Palin!” (Practically no one in Hawaii has a McCain hat, so it was a dead giveaway.) So I scribbled over the logo with a Sharpie. Big whoop! But from the media feeding frenzy, you’d think I buried McCain himself up to his neck in the sand and drew a handlebar mustache across his face with a Sharpie. And maybe some hair on top and long sideburns—and a goatee too! Hee hee!

Anyway, now that 2009 is bagged, stuffed and hanging over the mantel, it’s on to bigger and better things in 2010. Maybe even great, world-history type things! Hee hee! May you have a blessed, safe and happy 2010!


Sarah, Toad, Brindle, Trogg, Pipple, Wigwam & Babies Prop and Tic

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/29/09 at 01:12 PM • Permalink

Categories: PoliticsNuttersSarah PalinPolisnark

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Sarah, Toad, Brindle, Trogg, Pipple, Wigwam & Babies Prop and Tic

That NEVER gets old. I still maintain there will eventually be a Spatula Palin.

Brindle is a work of genius.

Betty, bravo!

Brilliant Betty.

I bow to the Master.  Brava, Betty!

Thank Christ and all the Saints, Apostles, Nephites, Parmiters and Triffids for your gosh-darn inspired commonsense parodying, Betty.

Flag-fucking patriarchic Americans across the Lowly 48 say “Thx 4 tell’n it lk it iz!”

I devoured every word and it was snarkalicious!

Baby Prop.

It is to laugh.

“Lake Blastamoose”... you made me cackle in my cube.  Thanks Betty!

“But I’ll bet you dollars to donuts it was one of those fancy “heirloom” jobs…”

Still (hearting) Betty Cracker!

This is hilarious Betty!  And I understand that Baby Tic is now the pawn in a custody battle between Brindle and Ricky Hollywood.  The Palin popcorn machine will never stop popping!

Brava, Cracker lady!

I doff my hat to your prowess, ma’am.

Golly gosh darn it but yer a funny cracker.  Ironically, I ate at a cracker barrel today!  Who knew there was so much funniness in a barrel of betty cracker’s bravalicious bow-wow-daciousness!?

Great stuff! (but then, it’s SO EASY to make fun of Sarah isn’t it??? )

Thanks for the last (almost) laugh of 2009!

I am sure Sarah has lots more in store to feed the Comedy Machine in 2010.

Like, her downfall from the pedestal she thinks she’s on!

Too funny

Too funny! You’re brilliant!

Marvelous newsletter! I’ll be looking for next year’s!

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