Re-Branding
Consider yourself fortunate if you’ve never experienced the agony of a corporate “re-branding” exercise, which goes something like this: You’re trapped in a dreary conference room with goofballs from the marketing and sales teams along with a sprinkling of executives, whom the marketing and sales people are desperate to impress.
Generally there’s a ridiculously expensive consultant or two leading the exercise, employing a white board or one of those giant Post-It note pads. The participants are encouraged to offer adjectives that describe the company and embody its promise to its customers. If the company is sucking wind (and it usually is if it’s engaged in re-branding), participants are told to offer “aspirational” adjectives.
Once the board or giant Post-It thingie is filled with stupid adjectives that have nothing to do with manufacturing widgets or delivering services, an absurd discussion ensues in which the participants and consultants argue over which half dozen adjectives out of the hundred or so best describe the underlying attributes of the new brand. This is how they arrive at the new brand identity, by sorting out stupid descriptions of it, much as the blind men described the elephant.
These discussions invariably descend into surreal pettiness and bickering, with each party vying to impress the executives with their acumen and creativity while equally determined opponents strive to score points by making the others look like clueless buffoons. The lower the actual stakes, the more vicious the discussions become.
Many Danishes are eaten and much coffee is consumed before the lunch cart rolls in to dispense even more fattening grub, which you’ll eat even though you shouldn’t, if only to relieve the crushing ennui and have an excuse to keep your lips shut.
So what emerges from this roiling pit of vipers? It’s usually a document that is supposed to guide future messaging, the idea being that all ads, promotions and communications should convey the new “brand identity” consistently.
The unfortunate souls charged with crafting these messages usually relegate the expensive new brand guidelines to the round file immediately because, after all, how do you imply “agile” in six words of ad copy about sandwiches selling for $4.99? You fucking can’t, not without coming off as a blithering idiot.
Here’s what happens when someone literally applies the results of a branding exercise to a real ad campaign:
That’s right—consumers are asked to believe that flying to fucking Korea has something to do with “exquisite” and “pledging” and to pretend that pale turquoise shoes and some chick standing on a rock in lingerie and giant tulle bows relates somehow to an airline. In other words, stupefying nonsense.
So what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Nothing, of course. But there was much talk during the recent presidential race about how trashed the GOP brand is, and it’s predictably escalating now that the Republicans are casting about for a new identity.
They may not consciously know it, but the Republicans are embroiled in one of those foolish conference room skirmishes—one side offering adjectives like “fiscally responsible” and “small government promoting” while the other side screeches “anti-fag” and “Jesus loving.” It’ll be interesting to see what sort of document emerges from that shitpile.
[Cross-posted at Betty Cracker]
Posted by Betty Cracker on 11/12/08 at 09:01 AM • Permalink
Categories: Politics • Election '08 • Bedwetters • PUMAs • YouTubidity •

