Rumperdome II: Beyond the One from a Few Days Ago

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we don’t need to hold on for another hero ‘til the end of the night

I’m often asked “gil, why do you read the Daily Caller if you don’t agree with its editorial stance, gain insight from its reporting, or find its human-interest stories compelling?” To which I can only respond “You’re not really here! You’re something my subconscious whipped up in response to the battery of booze and pills I’ve ingested, then sent forth to taunt me! GO ‘WAY!” Then I whip a bottle at them and they evaporate. But they raise an interesting question!

An interesting question I’m not going to answer, because this isn’t about me, it’s about me getting my jollies setting you, the readers, against each other in a horrifying bout of bloodsport. That’s right, it’s time for…

THAT THING I SAID IN THE TITLE ALREADY. (trumpet fanfare)

Hey, y’ever notice that conservatives have two diametrically opposing views on evolution? They either deny that it’s a settled fact, or they swear up and down that it explains why they’re such assholes—nay, must be such assholes. Yeah, so here’s an example of the latter, a real corker of a piece, in the sense that it’s as dumb as a Republican Senator from Tennessee. The title is “Study with a lesson: Persistence gets the ugly guy the hot girl,” and yet that is not at all an accurate summation of its contents, which drives home two points simultaneously: Point one, columnists rarely write their own headlines. Point two, know your audience!

“There are two ways you can make an error as a man,” Dr. Carin Perilloux said. “Either you think, ‘Oh, wow, that woman’s really interested in me’ and it turns out she’s not. There’s some cost to that, such as embarrassment or a blow to your reputation. The other error: She’s interested, and he totally misses out. He misses out on a mating opportunity. That’s a huge cost in terms of reproductive success.”

COMMENTER DEATHMATCH CHALLENGE:

Okay, now this one’s a toughie, so remember, if you don’t have what it takes, there’s no shame in that. But you hardy intellectual adventurers with imaginations vast as the sky above, with minds that ask “why not” rather than “why,” can test your mettle by answering the following:

Is there a third way you can make an error as a man?

(incredulous murmuring from crowd)

Okay, settle down, I said it was gonna be hard, didn’t I? Now just take a deep breath and see if you can come up with something. Also, what’s with the costumes? I hadn’t heard anything about a pink elephant flash mob.

CONTEST RULES: None save for one: the answer “Take dating and/or sex advice from a website founded by a guy famous for wearing a bow tie” will not be accepted, as it is way too obvious and also i called it.

1st Prize: You get to continue not being the kind of person who reads crap like that and thinks they can apply it to their own pathetic love-life somehow.

2nd Prize: Sex and lots of it! I know, I know, seems like the order of these two prizes should be inverted, but I didn’t tell you who the sex is with, did I? Two words: bow tie. Oh, don’t worry, it’s not Tucker Carlson. Not sure whose idea it was to greenlight a Don Knotts RealDoll, but the price was right.

3rd Prize: The satisfaction of knowing that you helped me get three comments on this dumb post, thus exceeding my wildest expectations.

Welcome to Rumperdome. Please wipe your shoes on the welcome scalp.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 12/16/11 at 07:13 PM • Permalink

Categories: Geek SpeakMessylaneousSports

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Thank you gil mann. My mind is blown. Congratulations. You win.

Not sure whose idea it was to greenlight a Don Knotts RealDoll, but the price was right.

C’mon, man, that’s just cold. You’re forgetting how smoking hot he was in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken.

As an error-less man, a man of sterling reputation, divine good looks, wit sharper than the anger of a pissed off and utterly confused Michele Bachmann, there are no errors a man can make.

That being said, Emily Hauser has some thoughts that differ wildly from my amateur sociological musings.

Nearly one in five women surveyed said they had been raped or had experienced an attempted rape at some point, and one in four reported having been beaten by an intimate partner. One in six women have been stalked, according to the report.

Fuck our species, the sooner the asteroid hits the sooner we get to start over.

Comment by HumboldtBlue on 12/16/11 at 07:53 PM

Ya’ll listening to ESPN while I drive to the grocery store in my DH’s car on Sunday I always hear an advert for Whatsyourprice.com, this is different from prostitution how?

“I dunno honey; those jeans make you look like you’ve gained 10 pounds” (or “2 stone” for our British readers).*

* Yeah I know; old, old joke.  But Gil is offering sex prizes!

Um..first an English stone is 14 lbs. so 10 lbs is roughly 1.3 stones.  So Fail poster.  But back to the larger point.  Ok, for some it may be boring but the best way to attract a woman is to talk about her not you, at least initially.  Also dance.  Most women like to dance.  Also nice restaurants.  Ok, this is/should be dead obvious from centuries of experience.  Sorry, don’t have any snark about this.

But back to the larger point.

Yeah, you wouldn’t want to miss that.

an English British stone is 14 lbs. so 10 lbs is roughly 1.3 0.7 stones.

Just to show I was paying attention there.

As for the question posed, does it have anything to do with livestock and strong liquor?

Letting your feet slip off the pedals while riding a bike and hitting the crossbar?

Is there a third way end to ways you can make an error as a man?

I guess this is really just Humboldt Blue’s answer again. I recuse myself.

Coincidently, when I purse my lips just so, I am a dead ringer for Don Knotts.

*that should be an end, obvs. my fiance is doing some proofreading right next to me. shhh. don’t tell her.

how smoking hot he was in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken.

Uh-uh. “The Incredible Mr. Limpet”. Be still, my heart!

Um, if you’re a man, is there any way you CAN’T make an error?
I keep legal pads around the house to make lists for my husband.
Just so he can straighten up and fly right.

“The Incredible Mr. Limpet”. Be still, my heart!

You are so right, Knittingbull! I mean, the word “Limp” is even in his name! That’s hot!

I wish, I wish, I wish I were a fish!

Here’s a little something for you Don Knotts fetishists
(all others use caution);
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjZGMGAu2xA

Comment by Lancelot Link on 12/17/11 at 05:22 AM

This Dr. Carin Perilloux must be a very young woman to believe men are so limited in their capacity for error. We’ll excuse her on account of her youth.

But I find it more difficult to excuse her ignorance about women’s capacity for conflicting emotions. Perilloux posits that the woman either is or is not interested—as if those are the only two possibilities. Perilloux’s imagination should apply for public assistance; it is poverty-stricken.

Lance, I thought you were going to link to this.

Comment by MikeJ on 12/17/11 at 01:47 PM

Mike, I have to respond with this.

Comment by Oblomova on 12/17/11 at 03:02 PM

Ok, fine, I didn’t get an accurate conversion from stone to pounds; the offer of sex prizes gave me monovision.

String, when I lived in London I was always more interested in converting pounds to sex.  Perhaps convert a few pounds to getting stoned.

MikeJ, I bet it worked best when it was a dual conversion!

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