Schmidt for Brains

How desperate is the GOP to find friends, any friends?

They’re making a play for teh ghey. Nope, be quiet. I don’t mean in a Larry Craig/Bob Allen tea room way. Cut it out. I mean, Steve Schmidt and Meghan and Cindy McCain are all hanging out with the Log Cabin Republicans this weekend.

Now, I ... Well. Look, I just don’t get the LCRs.* Once upon a time I guess they shut their eyes and put their fingers in their ears and chant LALALALA and pretend the GOP was about fiscal responsibility and even real conservatism but surely they must have noticed certain things. Like nine million years of Ronald St. Reagan. Now, watching the LCRs is like watching a guy who is highly allergic to bee stings trying to keep bees. “Uh ... Hey. Maybe you shouldn’t, you know, keep bees,” everyone cries, their voices trembling with concern. “Shut up, I know what I’m doing!” shouts the Log Cabin Republicaner.

And everyone mutters “Fine, screw you,” and goes off for drink.

Anyway, they finally got fed up when Bush ran on the Bomb an Iraqi and Smear a Queer for Jesus platform and relations have been strained ever since. Or to be completely accurate, the GOP has spent several years waving both middle fingers at anyone who isn’t straight. So now I’m really confused.

I’m sure at LCR HQ they’re feeling really psyched that some big shots are coming to them and acknowledging them and being nice to them and ... not spitting on them and calling them dog humping destroyers of civilization. Fine, great. Hooray, progress. But I’m wondering about the aftermath. When Bill and Rush and Glenn and Michael and Rick and, well, every Republican neo-con whack job who spends his time screeching that every time two people with matching genitals hold hands the sun gets a little dimmer** find out that Steve “Rhymes With” Schmidt (Rove disciple and McCain lackey) spent his Friday uttering such vile blasphemies as this:

“There is a sound conservative argument to be made for same-sex marriage,” Schmidt plans to say. “I believe conservatives, more than liberals, insist that rights come with responsibilities. No other exercise of one’s liberty comes with greater responsibilities than marriage.”

OK, you know and I know and everyone knows what is supposed to happen. The stupid ~~darki3s~~ kw33rs hear ~~“We’re the party of Lincoln”~~ “We want you to get married right in our big tent!” and they nod and vote Republican. But how Schmidt thinks it will possible to get the LCRs in the tent with the God-loving, homo-hating deadenders who make up the rest of the party is what has me scratching my head. We’re talking about a political party that has turned into one of those cymbal playing monkeys. You know CRASH, CRASH, CRASH! and every half-minute it stops, peels back its lips and shrieks.*** They’re too far gone to tolerate anyone who pops up and says “Hey, guys, whaddya say we all just get along?” and Schmidt is one of the reasons why.

I wonder if he’ll ever realize ... Nah.

*Someone is going to use the term “self-loathing.” Let’s just say I don’t buy it.
**99.995% of them.
***I’d like to take a moment to say fuck you very much to the person who got me one of those when I was seven. Nightmares for MONTHS.

Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 04/17/09 at 09:01 PM • Permalink

Categories: Skull Hampers •

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I’ve always thought the LCR’s were the ultimate ratfuck (until PUMA came along). Honestly, there can’t be more than a half dozen, and it’s all some weird PR stunt by the RNC to look more inclusive.

Comment by Tom65 on 04/17/09 at 10:49 PM

Steve Schmidts’s sister is lesbian. So once again, a Republican figures out compassion only when he’s personally affected.

As for the L.C.R.s’ relationship with the G.O.P., it reminds me of a boyfriend I had who wouldn’t let me use the word “we”, because he said it was inaccurate.

Comment by Mrs. Polly on 04/17/09 at 11:25 PM

There’s a lot of fucked-up, damaged people in the gay community, but few give me a bigger sad than the LCRs.

Think Stockholm Syndrome.

They think that if they just keep trying to be better Republicans maybe the Party will accept them. Look at me, Party! See me make racist jokes about Obama? See me speak negatively about the liberal homos and their slutty immoral behavior? See me hate immigrants?

Now can I come in and play in your He Man Faggot Haters Club? Please?

Ow!

I guess I deserved that kick in the groin. I must not be doing it right.

I’ll come back tomorrow and see if I’m good enough to join then…

Comment by Allan on 04/18/09 at 02:46 AM

i never figured cindy mccain to be a fag hag.

i wonder if any of the LCRs attending are jewish - maybe they could join the nazi party too.

Comment by distributorcap on 04/18/09 at 01:04 PM

The dirty secret of the Republican Party is that a silent majority of them don’t really hate the homos personally. They just silently acquiesce to the Evangeliban base.

A survey of delegates to the 2008 Rep Convention found that a slight majority of attendees favored either civil unions or marriage rights for gays.

Delegates are the most hard-core party faithful, and even they are not unified behind the “throw another faggot on the fire” bandwagon.

They’re simply willing to traffic in homophobia for political expedience, which is actually more disgusting.

Comment by Allan on 04/18/09 at 01:56 PM

Allan you’re right on point with Stockholm Syndrome, but the other part of the equation is Battered Wife Syndrome as well. No matter how many times they slap them down, pull the football away from them before they kick it, or toe tap with them, and pretend it never happened (lol). Those self-hating bastards keep coming back for more.