The Belligerentest Loser

By Gil Mann, Men’s Health Editor (would prefer to be just “Health Editor,” but lady parts, amirite, guys? God knows what’s goin’ on down there)

So after three months you’ve decided it’s time to make good on one of your New Year’s resolutions: a thinner you! That’s great, but in today’s fast-paced world we’re all looking for shortcuts, and it can be tempting to go for a short-term victory instead of doing what’s best for you in the long run.

The key to losing weight is to do so gradually. A precipitous drop in body-mass can result in heart disease and other organ failure; even if such drastic results don’t occur, there are other negative ramifications to consider. By starving yourself you’re putting your entire being into “fight or flight” mode, basically teaching your body to stockpile calories, making it all the more likely that you’ll put the pounds back on, and quickly. This is fairly common knowledge; less well-known are the adverse psychological effects of rapid weight loss.

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L-R: Huckabee in 2003, Kevin Spacey in 2010 “Huckabonkers!” SNL skit

Negative Mood Profile

Psychological disposition is tightly linked to hormone levels; rapid weight loss often affects a person’s endocrine system. An obese, sedentary man who effects a lifestyle change that features frequent aerobic activity and low-calorie dieting will experience extreme weight loss, but also a flood of testosterone that will affect his mood, concentration and aggressiveness.

Sadly, this was just the latest in a series of episodes of vacillation, beginning with President Obama’s naive campaign pledge to negotiate with Iran without preconditions. It continued with his 2009 videotaped New Year’s “greeting” to the Iranian people (a failed attempt at diplomacy by YouTube) and his slow response to the regime’s repression of the Green movement, whose leaders now languish in the Iranian gulag.

The entire op-ed linked above is a showcase of thinly-veiled aggression masquerading as “foreign policy realism,” but imagine how out-of-whack your hormones would have to be for you to bitch about a harmless YouTube clip. Yep, Huckabee’s a raging possessor of a negative mood profile.

Anxiety and Depression

Sometimes you don’t realize how much pleasure you get from the “little things,” such as sweets and salty snacks, until you’ve given them up.

Meanwhile, thousands of uranium centrifuges at heavily fortified nuclear sites in Natanz and Fordow continue to spin with potentially apocalyptic consequences. Some independent analysts estimate that Iran could be within 90 days of having enough enriched uranium for a nuclear weapon.

Yes, Mike, they’re gonna nuke us in three months. Jeez, have a Whatchamacallit.

Unreasonable Expectations

Wild initial success in the dieting realm can lead to skewed assumptions that spill over into other areas, leading you to completely ignore the hard-won lessons of the previous decades’s military misadventures.

Military action should be a last resort, but diplomacy can work only if the threat of military action is genuine and the Iranian mullahs believe it. For that reason, President Obama can allow no daylight between the U.S. and Israel. When Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visits the White House today, President Obama should publicly make it clear that Israel has every right to protect itself against the Iranian threat. He should further boldly state that the U.S. will take military action on its own if necessary to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon.

In other words, “I willed myself thin, ergo this will go the way Middle East interventions always go: swimmingly!”

Delusions of Grandeur

Sometimes a successful physical transformation gives one a “God complex,” marked by oversimplifying complex issues so much that everybody’s like “God, you’re an idiot.” It can also convince an individual that others view him with utmost respect, rather than the truth, which is that as soon as he’s out of the room they’re laughing themselves silly at this useful idiot.

During my recent trip to Israel, I spoke with people ranging from the prime minister to street market vendors in Jerusalem. From the halls of the Knesset to the streets of the Old City, there is a clear realization that Iran’s nuclear program poses an existential threat. There are Israelis who still wear the tattooed numbers of a death camp on their bodies and take quite seriously a threat to turn them into dust.

Seriously, dude, it’s not like they don’t know about Israel’s place in the rapture mythos. Just because you’ve been on Jon Stewart a couple times doesn’t mean your name’s no longer synonymous with “fundamentalist kook.”

Being Generally Full of Shit

Ticking time-bomb scenario? Invocation of Nazism? Reference to supernatural forces? Check, check and check!

The window of opportunity for diplomacy is closing. Seventy years after the Holocaust, the U.S. cannot turn a blind eye to Iran, which is the focus of evil in the modern world. We must act soon or face the withering verdict of history.

So in conclusion, for a sustainable weight-loss regimen and slightly less blood on your hands, eat less, exercise, and for Christ’s sake, read one of Thomas Ricks’s books. You can trust him to be clear-eyed on the issue of force, he’s a chubster.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 03/05/12 at 09:03 PM • Permalink

Categories: PoliticsBushCoEditorialsNuttersOur Stupid MediaWar In ErrorRelijun

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... the U.S. cannot turn a blind eye to Iran, which is the focus of evil in the modern world ...

Dear oh dear. It’s Axis of Ebil, a finely crafted phrase for which Frum is now doing deep, and possibly mortal, atonement.

Besides, The Donald thinks an election-year war is just the ticket. Whose side are you on, Hucky?

Well, may I be the first to point out that the sidebar ads now contain someone hawking a “poop-free chicken waterer”.

Speaks volumes.

What I like about Huckabee, where by “like” I mean, “appreciate as a writer appreciates a complex and occasionally surprising character someone else has developed” whereby “write” I mean me and “someone else” I mean Providence, its that he comes off as the “likeable bastard” type, but deep down, if you listen really hard, you know he only seems likeable.

I’ve been considering his odds as a possible Romney running mate as being good, as he’s complimentary. Romney might have likeable qualities (I find his priveleged cluelessness mildly endearing in a “He tries, though—not hard, but visibly” kind of way) but comes off as unlikeable. In the event of an inadvertant apocalypse they caused together by being equally clueless, they’d surely be an amiable Laurel and Hardy style Odd Couple, giving us hours or minutes of comedic relief depending upon how horribly quickly things had gone wrong.

I’m an unreformed zaftig wench myself, which should make my judgement relatively trustworthy.

I find his priveleged cluelessness mildly endearing in a “He tries, though—not hard, but visibly” kind of way

It was famously said of Romney’s father (whom he idolized) that “Watching George Romney run for the presidency was like watching a duck try to make love to a football.”

Dear oh dear. It’s Axis of Ebil

Wasn’t “focus of evil” a Reagan thing wrt Soviet Union? - Indeed, it was, even with the “in the modern world” on there. I guess if you’re going to plagiarize you should plagiarize from the zombies your basetards most abjectly cringe worshipfully toward.

Comment by Xecky Gilchrist on 03/06/12 at 12:03 AM

Oops, that link goes to a conservabot site, but I don’t think my machine caught any cooties from it.

Shoot, watching Mitt run for president is like watching a platypus make love to a football bat. There isn’t a thing right about it.

Oi. What have you got against innocent monotremes, Ms Odd Fox?

Fine—whatever a platypus gets up to on its own time is ok by me, but I’m pretty sure the rules of football involve no “bats” (by which I mean a club or other whacking device, and not the delightful flying rodent.)

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