The Merv Griffin figure from Madame Tassauds has some ideas about democracy it would like to share

It’s a cheap jab, and it only occurs to me because of the third party, but what strikes me about Mark Green is that his name is something voters never do.

If you have an election where the winner gets four percent of the eligible electorate, is that a functioning democracy? Having just lost such a runoff contest in New York City, I congratulated the winner for running a skillful campaign according to the rules. But are there better rules?

Bitchiest. Concession. Ever.

Mark, here’s the thing. You can’t win elections anymore. Oh, sure, you could toss out a hypothetical like all the other Democrats get stuck at a sloth crossing during the primary and the Republicans nominate the Blind Sheik by accident, but in this world, in this New York, you will never again hold elected office. This is not my opinion but scientific fact. Read the groundbreaking paper “On the Effects of Monotonous Speech and Televangelist Hair on the Civic Behavior of Fruit Flies” for proof that even the most rudimentary lifeforms don’t vote for overrehearsed, flopsweaty guys with creepy grins they flash at inappropriate times. Just get your brother to buy you something else to run if you’re so bored, jeez.

I hate to break it to the guy, I do. You’ve gotta feel a pang of sympathy, I mean, imagine not having the charisma or common touch necessary to compete with other New York Democrats. It’s like they took the people who couldn’t get into one of the less discriminating nightclubs and stuck ‘em in the legislature.

I still remember how Steve Gilliard referred to him once: “the boring and despised Mark Green.” Something about putting the less damning word first, maybe, but that’s always stuck with me. No mean feat, being both. Hell, you try to make race-baiting dull—but Mark did!

Anyway, I’m not in favor of mandatory voting, but I imagine there’s a more compelling argument to be made for it than “I tried everything else and I still didn’t win”

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 10/20/09 at 09:20 PM • Permalink

Categories: New York City • News • Politics •

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Ouch.

And thank you.

I voted for Norman Siegel but when he lost I was for de Blasio for the run-off. Green totally lost me during the debate.

Comment by Kevin K. on 10/20/09 at 09:42 PM

He was campaigning at my subway stop a couple of months ago. I kind of felt sorry for the guy.

Comment by Josh E, on 10/20/09 at 10:21 PM

He forgot the part where he got totally screwed in the caucuses.

Comment by StrangeAppar8us on 10/20/09 at 10:32 PM

Just get your brother to buy you something else to run if you’re so bored, jeez.

Yeah, but this time make it something we want to see fail, unlike Air America, which really deserved a competent savior.

Comment by forked tongue on 10/20/09 at 11:27 PM

unlike Air America, which really deserved a competent savior.

To be fair, AAR was circling the drain well before the Greens showed up, not that they’ve reversed the trend. I seem to remember Danny Goldberg (who’s got a totally punk rock CV, which makes his tenure all the more baffling) killing most of the listenable programming.

Actually, Mark Green was the only guy there who seemed to understand what a gem Rachel Maddow was—he figured out she was their breakout star about an hour before MSNBC snatched her up, sure, but at least somebody on the management side eventually figured out what the audience knew from day one.

Shit, I totally forgot all this before bashing the little toad, now I feel bad.

Wait, no I don’t. I also forgot that he coined the term “progressive patriot,” and defensive framing is so douchey it washes away good deeds like a hard rain.