Thou Shalt Covet Thy Neighbor’s Hookers & Meth

[Warning: Massive wankery (mine) about matters religious below the fold]

Phyllis Schlafly’s morally degenerate son is at it again [via Balloon Juice]:

Conservative Bible Project From Conservapedia

Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations. There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning:

  • lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts of Christianity
  • lack of precision in modern language
  • translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.

Of these three sources of errors, the last introduces the largest error, and the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.

 

They have a long list of objectives, of which this is my second favourite:

Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.

Because Jesus was a big old capitalist. And blond haired, blue eyed and white as a bucket of fresh milk. Also.

My favourite:

Not Dumbed Down: not dumbing down the reading level, or diluting the intellectual force and logic of Christianity; the NIV is written at only the 7th grade level.

Good luck finding someone among your merry crew of hom skoold fuck ups who can write above the 7th grade level!

Here is an example of the sort of icky liberal influence Andrew S. and pals plan to stamp out between bouts of owl molesting and dildo whittling:

The earliest, most authentic manuscripts lack this verse set forth at Luke 23:34:

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing.  This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.

OK, back up a bit.

I’ll give them a head start and take it as a given that the earliest versions of Luke don’t have this passage. I’ll even allow that icky liberals created a time machine went back in time and added the passage. The ConserSquad asks: IS this a liberal addition to the Bible? This is a yes or no question. I’m sure you’ll be shocked to learn they never give an answer.

(Look, I don’t know what the fuck they mean by liberal, I’ve actually read the fucking thing* and liberal is not a word that springs to mind unless it is “Liberal smiting” or “Liberal weird shit” or even “Liberal amounts of feeling pissed off when you realize how much self-righteous pricks distort what’s in there.”)

Then they note that this passage isn’t in any other Gospel. Here again reading the Bible is a huge help. The Gospels are not identical. That would be a bit stupid, wouldn’t it?

F’rinstance, two of the four don’t mention the circumstances of Christ’s birth at all. He pops into being around the time he becomes an adult. Only one mentions mentions his presentation at the temple and ... Your eyes are glazing over. You get the idea. (That’s right. LIBERALS STOLE THOSE PORTIONS OF THE GOSPELS.)

The third point illustrates why TalEvangicals need to be watched closely. With a nail-studded 2x4 close at hand for when they decide God wants them to bite a chunk out of your ass. “...the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing.”

OK. See. I don’t want to get into who Jesus was and did he really exist and was he really the Son of God. They believe this (or say they do) along with walking on water, feeding the multitudes, healing lepers, raising the dead and rising from the dead.

I’m just a dirty Islahomocommie, but if I knew guy who took a dirt nap for three days, got up, said Yo to some friends and then took a standing jump to the Pearly Gates, when that guy suggested he could look into people’s hearts and see they don’t know what the fuck they were doing, I sure as hell wouldn’t argue.

However, I am just a DFH. Perhaps if I were a toilet lurking hooker humping wet suit enthusiast I’d see things differently.

And then they hurry up with some Distract-o-Vision: It is a favorite quote of liberals! It’s gotta go! The end.

Bet you didn’t know that. I didn’t know that. I’ve only said that ironically, usually of the damn cats. Liberals I know (ie, real liberals, not the poorly assembled boogies Andy and his ilk use to scare the masses) will use the one about casting stones. And judging not lest ye be judged.

I suspect those won’t make the cut either.

*Except for the Psalms, because YAWN.

[xp 300]

Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 10/05/09 at 09:58 PM • Permalink

Categories: PoliticsNuttersRelijun

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The part in Matthew about how if you don’t visit people in prison or feed the hungry or clothe the naked or take care of the sick you will burn forever in hell?  You know, the whole, what you did for the least of them, you did for me?  Gone.

Replaced with excerpts from Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead.

Is this a liberal corruption of the original?

Which original? The one with no Jesus? The one where Jesus was a woman? The one where Jesus was named “Mithras”? Or the one where Jesus fights Gamera?

Gotta love people who actually believe there was an “original” New Testament, as opposed to a politically-expedient Whitman Sampler of Crazy-Cult Wonder-Stories, slapped together by a Roman editorial board that settled on the name “Jesus Christ” because the Gnostics had such a giant NIH ass-hair over the first-round favorite, “Capt. Shlomo.”

With a few exceptions, Religion has never been anything more than Politics + Silk Scarves, Flash-Powder and a Levitation Trick. And, anyway, the “liberal bias” of Biblical interpretation has already been corrected by Al Franken and my good pal Don Simpson here.

As a long time atheist and general misanthrope, I think this is a great idea.  Most of the rightwing churched folks I know would puke blood at the sheer hubris of this undertaking, especially considering that its being done by world-class numbnuts Andy Schlafly. 
War amongst the rightard bible-humpers will please me.  And C’thulu!

This would certainly clear up the confusion caused by the question, “Who Would Jesus Bomb?”

Strange, I hadn’t read this Franken/Simpson passage before, but someone I know mentioned it just hours ago! Coincidence? Or divine miracle?!?!?

[Fixed—The Masked Fixer ;)]

If somebody could fix my bold tag, I’d consider that “doing unto the least of your sisters.”

WOW, a NEW, improved Bible with 50% more CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Can’t wait!

It is not the first ten minutes that worries me. It is the years to follow as this is taught to an ever more intollerant group of people that it is the true Bible. History seems to show that the least tolerant group wins most of the time. If they have a text that supports their intolerance we will see some very interesting times.

This is very scary in the long term.

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