Tomorrow’s Shorters, Today - At the Movies

Because I Love You Phillip Morris is based on the life of Steven Russell, we’ll be treated to non-reviews from the fReichtard Primitive Cerebral Ganglia Trust.

I don’t intend to don my HAZMAT suit and wade through the sewers any more than the people who write “Ewww, gross!” 5,000 times intend to see the movie. However, I can still write their shorters without looking. (Take that, Sadly, No!)

I am able to do so, because I’m psychic.

Kidding! I’m able to do so because fRighties are so predictable it is a wonder they don’t shoot themselves to alleviate the tedium. This makes figuring out what a fRighty is going to say before his brain cell warms up remarkably easy. Observe:

v. Psychopathic pseudo-social psychologist: The fact that Steven Russell and Phillip Morris are convicts proves homosexuality should be classified as criminal behavior. (var. v. Let’s Frist again: The fact that Steven Russell turned into a homosexual after a car accident proves homosexuals suffer from serious brain damage.)

v. NSFW!!! (AKA v. Capt. Faptastic): Although I haven’t seen the movie, I am offended by all the sex scenes I know it must contain. So great is my outrage, I am forced to describe all 600 instances of the degraded filth in such lurid detail you’ll think you’re standing at Ground Zero in a bukkake video. Round up the kids, they need to see this too.

v. Humor isn’t dead, but they’re working on it: Waddaya call two gay guys in prison? A good start! Blarharhar - [chokes on a pork rind.]

v. Does this Bible make my hate look fat?: The Bible says they’re going to Hell! And so are the people who made this movie and acted in this movie and watched this movie or even looked at the posters for this movie. (var. v. Kinder, gentler hatebag: The Bible tells us homosexuality is a sin. But the Bible also tells us not to judge the sinner and a lot of other stuff I ignore unless I need to give myself a pass. Therefore I almost feel sorry for these men because they’re going to burn in Hell for eternity.)

v. War on Christmas XVI: The fact that this movie was released within 364 days of Christmas is yet another example of Liberal Socialist Atheist Hollywood’s desire to destroy America’s Judeo-Christian values.

v. Central to the point I know I had just a minute ago: While homosexuals and so-called civil rights goons, aided and abetted by activist judges agitate to allow homosexuals to marry and destroy America, no one bothers to ask what would have happened if the two main characters had gotten married. (var. Further failed attempts at relevancy: ... end DADT and destroy America, no one bothers to ask what would have happened if known con-artist Steven Russell had conned his way into the U.S. military.)

v. I assure you no one gives a fuck. Really: I have lost ALL RESPECT for John Carry and Youwon MacGyver!! I will never EVER EVER see another of there movies so long as I live!!!1

v. Think of the sprogs: What if a parent accidentally took a CHILD to see this movie and that poor child DIDN’T grow up to be a judgmental panty sniffing shit ... OR WORSE???

v. Say, could you help me drive this other nail in? (AKA v. Special Victims Unit): I will be denounced and mocked and cyber-lynched and deprived of my free speech by liberals and other mean un-American people for saying this, but as a ReaLAMErican and a Christian I must say the government should ban movies like this and arrest the people involved in its production to save America.

v. 40-year old virgin: Although I am single and so hard up for it I have forgotten about things like punctation I do not hesitate to say a relationship between two men is definetely not normal or healthy o God Im so lonely

v. I don’t know, what do you think?: On the one hand this movie has gay people in it, which is gross. On the other hand it portrays them in a less than 100% positive light, which is completely unlike what Hollywood normally does. So, do I like this movie or not?

And finally:

v. The stolen from Roy Edroso: Skreeeeeeeeee! Skreeee! Skree! Skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 12/11/10 at 05:11 PM • Permalink

Categories: LGBTMoviesMovie ReviewsPoliticsNutters

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I knew you were going to say exactly all those exact things exactly.  NOW who’s psychic?

You forgot one about how the movie was a total failure, and thus a proof that the free market doesn’t approve of homosexuality.  The fact that this movie only brought in $116M its first weekend when it cost an astounding $11M to make is proof that gay marriage is bad for business.

Thanks AG. I can’t believe I forgot v. We’re going to Ignore the Steaming Flop that was An American Christmas Carol.

Mr. W. I knew you were gonna say that.

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