Toxic Avenger: Anderson Cooper Peeved That Gulf Cleanup Is Insufficiently Hazardous and Chaotic

Look—AC has a point in that I’m sure the PTB would prefer that coverage of the containment and cleanup operations not degenerate into a 24/7 scavenger hunt to capture the most sensational images of muck-strangled wildlife or the most damning documentary evidence of CorpGov negligence and intentional crimes-against-humanity. And, as far as I’m concerned, he has every right to smear himself with fistfuls of bubbling toluene and xylene, before tossing a kitchen match into a naptha-soaked stretch of wetlands and diving in to save the burning dolphins. Hell, with any luck, his crew might be right at the scene when beach-strolling terrorists fire an AT-4 shoulder-mounted rocket at a topped-off skimmer ship or a loitering Coast Guard cutter they saw on TV. If you enjoyed the Hindenburg Disaster, you can’t help but appreciate the entertainment potential of unrestricted civilian access to a gigantic, flammable, mutagen-rich body of water choked with thousands of unprotected boats, oil rigs and squishy, blood-filled humans.

But, seriously—a 65-foot safety perimeter around maneuvering ships, terrified dying animals and piles of transdermally absorbable toxins isn’t really the same thing as being batoned to the ground while your field camera is crushed by pneumatic vice-grips and thrown into a Bulk Degausser.

I’m sure there are lots of things down there that no one wants Cooper to see. But if 65 feet of clear air is the only thing stopping him from getting the story, either he’s really not earning that paycheck, or I own better cameras than CNN.

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 07/03/10 at 01:50 PM • Permalink

Categories: News • Politics • Our Stupid Media •

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But Anderson is our Feeler-in-Chief, since the President has shamefully forfeited the position! And to really, really, Feel, you gotta get closer than 65 feet. Plus, the fumes help you tear up for the cameras, so it’s win-win.

All those energetic do-gooders who ran to Ground Zero and are presently dying of mesothelioma would have no chance to file lawsuits now if the government hadn’t recognized its laissez-faire responsibility to let them breathe toxic soup.

Comment by Mrs. Polly on 07/03/10 at 07:21 PM

Vanderbilt Jr.‘s stock portfolio demands that he distract people from the outrage of the BP oil spill and all the fuck ups leading to the oil spill by complaining about the dreadful fascists who won’t let him get underfoot while they clean up the oil spill.

Actually I made that up. It’s just that “Someone change the big baby’s shitty diaper so he stops crying,” lacked a certain je ne sais quoi.